2. Levels of Touch Superficial: Does not enhance the relationship;
Is Not done as an expression of how someone feels about you.
It is Selfish!! Satisfies the need of the person touching.
Examples: hug, kiss, cuddle, sex

3. Levels of Touch
Personal: An expression of how a person feels about you.
Enhances the relationship; Un-selfish
Says: I like you, I care about you, I love you
Examples: hug, pat, high-five, kiss, back scratch, cuddle

4. Levels of Touch Validating: Reinforces the relationship; Un-selfish
Says: I care about you, I love you
Examples: Can be a simple hug up to full intimacy with-in marriage.

5. Non-Verbal Communication
What are you really saying?
Kinesics: study of non-verbal communication

6. Definitions:
Nonverbal communication: A way of sending and receiving messages without using words, such as through body movements, facial expressions and eye contact.
Body language: The expression of thoughts, feelings, and emotions through body movements, such as facial expressions, gestures and body motions.

7. Nonverbal Communication
Important forms of nonverbal communication:
Proximity
eye contact
touch

8. Nonverbal Communication
For communication to be clear, verbal and nonverbal messages must agree.
If the messages conflict, people believe the NON-verbal message
Most of all messages are sent Nonverbally!

9. Non-Verbal Communication
A. Transmits feelings Nervous, embarrassed, playful B. Serves many functions: 1. Repeats what is said verbally: pointing directions 2. Substitute for verbal messages: facial expressions 3. Accent verbal messages: pointing finger, shrug shoulders 4. Contradicts spoken word: double message: “I’m NOT angry!”

10. C. Body:
Facing someone directly: interested
Elevator: everyone looks outward, avoiding personal contact
D. Posture – slumping, straight?
E. Gestures- sometimes we hide
emotions in our face but our gestures do not
F. Eyes: meeting one’s glance. **Direct eye contact or glancing away to avoid contact.

11. Voice-tone
“This is a fantastic communication book” with different emphasis.
Touch- raise IQ, aggression, friendship, sexual interest, manage transactions (Tug or shake)
Object language – Intentional or unintentional display of material things. Clothes, sports car, books.

12. Non-verbal Clues
Shaking Hands – If the hand is limp, the person may be nervous or doesn’t like to be touched. A firm handshake indicates confidence.
Defensiveness – Cross arms on chest, keep fists closed, swing a crossed leg.

13. Suspicion and Secretiveness – not look at you when they speak, touch or rub the nose with their index finger
Honesty – placing hand over heart, having palms uplifted, looking the person in the eye when speaking, touching gestures
Frustration – Short breaths, tightly clenched fists, wringing hands, kicking the ground or an imaginary object.

14. Confidence – Steepling (arms or hands together in a steeple), Joining hands behind the back
Nervousness – clearing of the throat, whistling, fidgeting, tugging at an ear, playing with pencils, notebooks, or eyeglasses in mouth.
Boredom – Drumming on desk, tapping feet, doodling, leaning the head on the hand.

16. Personal Space and Territory

17. Intimate Zone First zone around us Skin contact to 18”
Reserved for close friends and relatives
Allowing someone to enter shows trust
When someone enters without permission we feel threatened.
Intimate Zone
Skin—18”

18. Personal Zone
18”— 4’
Contacts are reasonably close but less personal, good friends
18” is appropriate closeness for couples in public
2 ½ feet appropriate for casual conversation
Personal Zone
18”--4’

19. Social Zone 4’ – 12’ Used for parties and friendly gatherings
Used for casual acquaintances
4’ -7’ appropriate for sales people and customers and people who work together
7’ – 12’ reserved for impersonal
situations.
Social Zone
4’ – 12’

20. Public Zone Used for speakers and their audience
Classrooms/auditoriums
Begins at 12’ and beyond
Anyone who remains 25 feet away is not interested in dialog
Public Zone
12’-25’

21. Personal Space Zone Social Zone 4’-12’ Public Zone 12’ and beyond
Personal Zone 18”- 4’
Intimate Zone
Skin – 18”

22. Personal Space
The distances given for personal space are according to your culture.
Some cultures have a closer personal space than Americans do.
Women tend to stand closer together than do men
People in cities stand closer than do people from rural areas when communicating

23. Territory Space we consider to be our own Private We claim it
We mark it
How do you mark your space?
What does your bedroom look like?
How do we mark temporary space/territory?

24. Territory
We claim temporary space by marking it with coats, bags, etc.
Some examples of Temporary Space:
Theater, library, classroom
We arrange our “stuff” around us in public territory.
Some examples of Public Space:
Classroom, library, church pew, bus, subway, park

25. Visual Territory
Visual invasion is as uncomfortable as physical invasion
A glance lasting longer than 3 seconds can be as threatening or as uncomfortable as someone who “invades” your space physically.

26. The Birds

27. Constructive/Destructive Communication

28. Destructive Communication-Do you do any of these forms of destructive communication????
Blaming: Finding out who is at “fault”
Interrupting: Stops communication, disregard for others’ ideas
Endless fighting….”Bury the hatchet but leave the handle sticking out.”

29. Calling in Reinforcements: getting people on your side…
Character Assassination: Attacking the other person’s character/person. Name calling, belittling comments…
Calling in Reinforcements: getting people on your side…
Withdrawal: says you don’t care
How do we withdraw emotionally? Physically?
Need to be right : refuse to admit your part in the problem

30. Constructive Communication - Try these methods
1. I-Messages: Non-threatening way to say how you are feeling. Non-blaming, take responsibility
2. Clarity: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Avoid Sarcasm; Avoid hinting , this leads to miscommunication.
3. Timing: Select a good time to talk. Schedule a time if necessary, ask: “When is a good time to talk?” “Can we get together and visit after…” Turn off the stereo, TV, Nintendo etc. Talk when you are well rested, not hungry etc.

31. 4. Ask Questions: Shows interest, helps to clarify what is being said, collect information, Ask Who, What, Why, Where, When, How, questions.
5. Reflective Listening: Listener mirrors back what the speaker has said. Helps to clarify
“Are you saying you want to quit school?”
“You seem to be excited about that…?”

32. 6. Respect and Consideration: Avoid being critical and judgmental, show respect throughout
7. Avoid Intense Anger: Sometimes we become too emotional to communicate effectively.
If you feel you are beginning to get emotionally out of control take responsibility and tell the other person, “I am too angry to talk about this right now. I am going for a walk and we can talk when I get back.”

33. Don’t use “YOU” Messages
A statement which describes someone else’s behavior.
We do not have the right to describe someone else’s behavior, feelings, or thoughts.
We can only describe our own.

34. What Is Wrong With Using “YOU” Messages?
Place blame “You made me…”
Lack responsibility “You make me so mad! (Your choice to get mad
Attempt to control people “You need to be more kind!”
“Don’t you ever again….”
Displace anger rather than diffuse anger

35. What is wrong with these “YOU” messages
Go wash your stinky, filthy, hands, they are making me sick!!
I hate this movie, why do you always pick movies that are so violent??
You are so inconsiderate, you should have asked me to the dance days ago.

36. I Messages
I-Message: a non-threatening message which gives the listener info about the speaker
I-messages establish who owns the problem

37. Formula For A Good I-Message
Non-verbal must show love, acceptance, respect
Describe situation
When I …see, hear, observe
Tell how you feel
I feel….angry, concerned, happy
Give a reason why you feel that way
because…
Complete Questions on paper

38. You message to I message
“Get your dumb bike out of the driveway before I run it over!!!”
“When I see your bike in the driveway I feel concerned because I don’t want to run over it.
Find the three parts to the above I-message. The description of the situation, the feeling, the reasons for the feelings.

39. You message to I message
“Don’t you dare try interrupt me while I am on the phone!!!”
“When I am on the phone with my friend and keep getting interrupted, I feel frustrated because I can’t hear what she is saying.”
Find the three elements of an I-message.

40. I-messages Constructive Feedback
Focuses on:
“I” statements.
behavior rather than the person.
observations rather than judgments.
the observed incidence of behavior.
sharing ideas rather than giving advice.
its value to the recipient.
the amount the recipient can process.
an appropriate time and place.

41. Communication Role Plays
The Little Mermaid
Analyze the communication in these clips
Communication Role Plays

42. Why are good listening skills important?

43. Steps to Listening Unconditional Love: Face shows acceptance
Passive Listening: Use when the speaker is really excited or really upset.
Respond with Oh, Mmm, Really, Wow
Encourager Question: A question which gets a person to open up, use when someone is pouting, looks upset
Ask: How are you? How are things going? Is everything ok? Do you want to talk?

44. Steps to Listening
Validating statements: Acknowledge someone’s feelings and the information they share.
You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge their feelings.
Don’t discount someone’s feelings!
How do we discount someone’s feelings?

45. Three Ways To Validate
1. Make a short summary statement reflecting the meaning of the message.
You’re saying you want to break up with Susie because she works all the time.
2. Reflect back to the speaker the feelings expressed.
You’re angry with Susie because Todd invited her to Prom.

46. Three Ways To Validate
3. Reflect back the “hidden” message or the real meaning the speaker is trying to give.
So you want to break up with Susie because You are tired of having a girl friend.
You want to break up with Susie so you can take Annie to Prom.
Validating helps the speaker to clarify what they are feeling and that their feelings are ok.– even if you don’t agree

47. Four Reasons To Validate
Sends the message: I want to understand before I evaluate .
Helps the speaker feel their feelings are OK.
Helps avoid criticism

48. Four Reasons To Validate
Diffuses people’s anger and opens the way to problem solving.
“What can you do…” “What do you think should be done?” “Have you …”
Remember we can only solve our own problems.
We do not have the right to solve anyone else’s problems; we can only help them solve their own

49. Steps to good listening

50. Problem Solving options

51. Possible solutions Consensus: Agree!!!
Concession: Let the other have their way
Compromise: Each give a little
Agree to disagree:

52. Strategies People Use to Resolve Conflict
I win, You Loose.
Key Word: Power
Other Descriptive Words:
Force or coercion
“pulling rank”
Brow-beating
Outmaneuvering the opposition, aggressive, dogmatic,
Inflexible, and unreasonable
I’m in charge here.

53. Strategies People Use to Resolve Conflict
I win (a little), You lose (a little)
Key Word: Compromise
Other Descriptive Words:
Concessions
Tolerate
Manipulative conflict style
Both ends played against the middle
Let’s give a little.

54. Strategies People Use to Resolve Conflict
I lose, You lose
Key Word: Hopelessness
Other Descriptive Terms:
Withdraw and avoid strategy
Leave the conflict. Compliance without commitment.
Feelings of frustration and resentment.
Tends to be used when other styles have been tried and failed.
If I can’t, neither can you.

55. Strategies People Use to Resolve Conflict
I lose (a little), You win (a little)
Key Word: Placate or Yield
Other Descriptive Words:
Avoid conflict and appease others by ignoring, denying and avoiding conflict.
Giving in
Submitting yourself to another
You can have your way.

56. Strategies People Use to Resolve Conflict
I win, You win.
Key Word: synergistic
Other Descriptive Words:
Well-being of each other
Cooperation
Tolerance for differences
Recognition of the legitimacy of feelings are central to this strategy.
Abide by rules of negotiation and agree to solve the conflict constructively.
Any “hidden agendas” are brought out in the open so they may be effectively dealt with.
I feel great. You feel great.
Conflict Resolution Exercise

57. Reminders when solving conflicts:
Refuse to use the following Destructive conflict tactics:
criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and speaking defensively
Unhappy couples use confrontation, confrontation and defensiveness, and complaining and defensiveness.

58. Reminders when solving conflicts:
Choose to gain the skills to conflict constructively.
Happily married couples resolve conflict through paraphrasing, validation, and clarification.
Over learning these skills are the most important constructive skills we can learn initially.

59. EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING
It takes a great man to be a good listener.
  -Calvin Coolidge
EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING

60. So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. 
Jiddu Krishnamurti    

61. Active Listening Activity
The Wright Family Story
Gather in a Circle
Listen to the story
When you hear the words “Right” or “Left” you will pass your item to the right or left.

62. Wright Family Discussion
Was it hard to listen and pass the objects at the same time?
Why is it hard to concentrate on what is being said when you are busy doing something else?
Did you get frustrated when you or others couldn’t keep up with the story?
Write a 5 sentence summary of the story.

63. EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING
Effective listening: the listening to the words of the speaker and the meaning of the words.
Active listening: the process in which the listener takes active responsibility to understand the content and feeling of what is being said and then checks with the speaker to see if he/she heard what the speaker intended to communicate.

64. ELEMENTS OF EFFECTIVE AND ACTIVE LISTENING
Content
Feelings
Process
Clarification

65. ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS
Check attitude and atmosphere
Keep the channel open and avoid short circuits
Listening requires response from listener
Keep the door open

66. METHODS TO TEST UNDERSTANDING
Parroting
Paraphrasing
Clarifying

67. How do you react?
People react to what you say in the following ways: 55% facial expressions 38% voice 7% word

69. Listening Blocks:
Definition: Things that we do that stop or halt communication.

70. Listening Blocks
I must defend my position 70

71. Interrupting
Breaking into the conversation before the other person has finished speaking.

72. I’m looking for an Entrance-
Don’t be more concerned with what you have to say than what is being said. 72

73. I don’t have time to listen to you
If the current time is not convenient, simply tell the other person that another time would be better, that you are busy right now 73

74. I already know what you have to say.
You don’t know what another person is going to say until they have said it. Listen! 74

75. I know what you should do…
Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for. 75

76. Conflict Resolution and Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Behavior
I am responsible for my own feelings, but not for the feelings of others.
I am responsible for how I respond to others, but not for how they respond to me.

77. Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Activity
Go around the room to the papers that have been posted and answer the questions that are on them.
Aggressive: angry, forceful
Passive: Does what ever you tell them without question
Assertive: Stands up for their rights as well as yours.
Discuss on the following slides.

78. Aggressive Behavior What definition did you write on the paper?
Definition: When a person takes their own rights into account and not the other persons.
Who did you did you think has this Communication Behavior?
What kind of car or animals?
How do you feel when you argue with someone that is Aggressive?
Volunteer to Role Play

79. Aggressive Behavior Video Clip

80. Aggressive Characteristics
Ignore another person’s rights. Take unfair advantage of other people. Make other people look or feel stupid, small, or afraid. Become abusive when you are angry with someone or when you are criticizing someone. Make unreasonable demands on other people. Monopolize conversations. Brag obnoxiously and make unrealistic claims about your good points. Feel good at first but guilty later as a result of any of the above behaviors.

81. Passive Behavior What definition did you write on the paper?
Definition: When a person takes the other person’s rights into account, but NOT their own!
Passive Communication is the other side of the spectrum from Aggressive Communication.
Who did you did you think has this Communication Behavior?
What kind of car or animals?
How do you feel when you argue with someone that is Passive?
Volunteer to Role Play

82. Passive Behavior Video Clip
Mary Poppins: Husband/Wife relationship.
Write down two things that the wife does to make her passive.

83. Passive Characteristics
Do not stand up for your rights. Let other people take unfair advantage of you. Do not express your views and feelings. Feel guilty when you do stand up for your rights or express your feelings. Are unable to make reasonable requests of other people. Are unable to start or carry on conversations comfortably. Are unable to recognize and express your good points Feel badly about yourself after experiencing any of the above.

84. Assertive Behavior
Definition: Believing we have a right to have ideas and feelings. Standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.
Volunteer to Role Play
Could you hear the difference between the different versions of the sentences with the three different Communication behaviors?
What kind of body language was used with the different styles?

85. Assertive Characteristics
Can say “no” when you do not want to say “yes” to someone’s request.
Can express your positive feelings about other people and what they do.
Can express negative feelings about other people and what they do without being abusive or cruel.
Can receive compliments without denying them.
Can take criticism without becoming defensive.
Can start and carry on conversations.
Can recognize and express your good points.
Can ask for what is rightfully yours.
Feel good about yourself and in control of yourself after experiencing any of the above.

86. Assertive Behavior Video Clip
Monsters Inc.: Mike and Sully’s relationship.
What makes this conversation an assertive behavior?

87. Communication Style Quiz
Take the following quiz to find out your style.
Answer the questions and then count your numbers.
Then match your style with the appropriate letters and answer the following questions on your paper.

88. Communication Style Quiz Answers
A = Aggressive B = Passive C = Assertive.
When are some times that an Aggressive Style would be beneficial?
When are some times that a Passive Style would be Beneficial?
When are some times that an assertive Style would be beneficial?
What could you do to improve your assertiveness?

89. Benefits of Aggressive Communication
When a decision has to be made quickly
During emergencies
When you know you’re right and that fact is crucial

90. Benefits of Passive Communication
When an issue is minor
When the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself
When emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective
When your power is much lower than the other party’s
When the other’s position is impossible to change for all practical purposes

91. I Messages State Complaint
What are several POSITIVE communication skills that you have learned that are ASSERTIVE?
I Messages
Express concern for other
Say what you want to happen
State Complaint
“And” rather than “BUT” Statements

92. What is Conflict?
1. to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash: 2. to fight or contend; do battle. 3. a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife. 4. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties. 5. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas. 6. a striking together; collision. 92

93. Silent Treatment Pretending there isn’t a problem
What are some passive techniques that some people try to use in conflict?
Ignoring the problem
Pretending there isn’t a problem
Silent Treatment
Giving in to keep Peace
Saying “It doesn’t matter” when feeling hurt
Avoiding the problematic person

94. What Doesn’t Work? What Does Work?
Yelling, refusing to change or compromise, refusing to work out the conflict,
name calling, hitting, walking out, belittling, etc.
What Does Work?
Negotiation, Mediation, Looking at both sides, A Win-Win attitude.

95. When is Conflict Positive?
When we are able to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts,
using win-win problem solving.
Every relationship will have some conflicts at some time or other.
when we use win-win problem solving, it strengthens the relationship.
when we don’t, it destroys it.

96. Who Owns the Problem? What is the Owner’s responsibility?
The person who is negatively affected by the Problem.
What is the Owner’s responsibility?
To find a way to resolve the problem, even if he is not the
cause of it.

97. Search for Win-Win Solution
The Use of Power
Three Responses
Fight
Flight / Avoidance
Obedience/ Shutting Down
Identify Each Others Needs and Goals

98. Preparation Include only those concerned.
Give a description of the problem that respects all involved.
Explain how conflict resolution can enable all to win, and explain the steps.
Agree not to slip back to the win lose methods
Find a good time and place with no distractions.
Get something to write down ideas.

99. Identify the problem or issues
Use “I” Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals
Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals
Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs.
Don’t accept sudden promises not to cause the problem

100. Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets both people’s needs
Cake Cutting Exercise
You are in charge of a Birthday party for four Children. You have one
Cake and need to cut it in 5 equal parts. Brainstorm with your partner
How many different ways you could cut it.
Car Sharing Solution
You and your spouse have one car. You need to go to a meeting
tonight, and your spouse wants to visit a good friend. How many
solutions can you come up with?
Look at things from another’s perspective and try to see their point
of view and look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.

108. Brainstorm to Generate all possible solutions.
·         Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that everyone will have needs met.
·         Evaluate later NOT NOW
·         Do not criticize any suggestion. Feed back with reflective listening
·         Write down all ideas suggested.

109. Evaluate the alternative solutions
Ask “Will it work? Does it meet all the needs of both people? Are there any problems likely?”
Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed
Use reflective listening and I Messages

110. Decide on the best solution.
Find a solutions that is mutually acceptable to both of you. .
If agreement seems difficult, Summarize areas of agreement. Restate needs, and look for new solutions.
Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution

111. Implementing the Solutions
Get Agreement on who does what by when
Write this down and check all agree to it
Refuse to remind or police the solutions
If you want to set criteria for success, work out these now

112.      Follow-up evaluation
Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seems resolved.
If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person, and seek for a new solution.
Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you.

113. Results of Win-Win Solutions
More creative in Thinking up solutions
Take more responsibility for helping everyone
have needs met
Feeling of mutual respect
Love grows deeper with every conflict resolved.

115. Introduction Volunteer: Interview Take outside: Class questions:
At what point did the volunteer feel uncomfortable?
What was the student’s reaction to the situation?
At what distance was the student most comfortable?
When did the student begin to be uncomfortable?
At what point did the volunteer begin to back away?

116. Non-Verbal Day Get Packet and follow the instructions.
DO NOT talk with anyone during this activity.
If you must communicate, do so without talking
Last 10 minutes review Verbal/non-verbal and ask students what they thought

117. Non-Verbal Communication: Quick Facts
Gestures transmit emotions
Posture furnishes info about how people feel about themselves.
There is danger in reading many non-verbal messages
45% of communication is verbal
55% of communication is non-verbal
Kinesics: study of non-verbal communication
Women tend to stand closer together than do men
People in cities stand closer than do people from rural areas when communicating
Different cultures use different body language

118. Roadblocks to communication
Interrupting – breaking into the conversation, not giving the other a chance to finish.
Endless fighting – bring up things from the past & never resolving things.
Character assassination – name calling, belittling, insulting remarks.
Calling in reinforcements – involve outsiders to support you.
Withdrawal – leave, indifference, silent treatment.
Need to be right – refusal to admit their part in the problem.

119. Why communicate constructively?
WE COMMUNICATE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!
Rebellion
Eating Disorders
Acting out
Depression
Sickness (stress disorders, ulcers)
Repressed feelings control you (reactionary behavior)

120. Communication Loop