1. Creating Agreement Conflict Resolution Collaborative Problem Solving

2. Workshop Outcomes
Participants will acquire an increased awareness of the breadth of issues and strategies associated with Dispute Prevention/Early Resolution including:
--Gaining a better understanding of conflict and the ways that people respond
--Learning about practices and strategies that comprise the “Continuum” of conflict resolution options
--Understanding the power of listening in preventing and resolving conflicts
--Gaining an awareness of interest based problem solving strategies
--Understanding the important role of cultural issues in relation to resolving disputes
--Becoming aware of useful resources for additional information and support

3. Conflict

4. What does the word “conflict” bring to mind?
Anger
Fear
Resentment
Frustration

5. Conflict Needs Values Expressed struggle Two or more people
Interdependent
Strong emotion
Perceived blockage
Needs
Values
Definition of a conflict: (1) Conflict is an expressed struggle (2) between at least 2 interdependent parties who (3) are experiencing strong emotion resulting (4) from perceived differences in needs or values. In any meaningful relationship, there will be conflicts!
Interdependency is the primary motivating factor in resolving dispute

6. Relationship Conflicts
Spheres of Conflict
Structural Conflicts
Data Conflicts
Value Conflicts
Relationship Conflicts
Interest Conflicts

7. The Five Conflict Handling Modes
Controlling
Collaborating
Personal Goals
Compromising
Study of conflict – various theories give us a sense of why conflict occurs and how it can be measured. It is valuable for each of us to understand where our “natural” conflict handling mode lies – how do we typically respond to conflict? May be different in personal situations vs. work situations, in family relationships vs. professional relationships.
Avoiding: low concern for personal and relationship goals, high ratings for avoiding conflict probably because we feel we don’t have tools to deal with them.
Accommodating: sacrifice personal goals to accommodate relationship goals. When do we typically engage in accommodating behavior? With significant others. It’s the relationship we care about.
Controlling: Very high concern for personal goals, low for relationship goals. A “power” approach to addressing disputes. You see this in the for profit world where everything is driven by the bottom line. Also in the parent-child relationship – it doesn’t work very well with adolescents!
Compromising: If you would just give up something, we could get it resolved. Be careful about using this word. A less optimal approach to addressing disputes. If you go into a conflict ready to compromise, you are going to compromise.
Collaborating: High concern for both personal and relationship goals. Takes a lot of time, commitment, facilitation and negotiation skills, a set of skills most of us never learn until late in life. When an agreement is worked out here, it usually lasts a long time, is durable, etc.
There is a time and a place for each of these conflict handling modes. The important things are to understand where your natural comfort level lies, and to learn how to use other modes when they are more appropriate.
Avoiding
Accommodating
Relationship Goals
Source: Thomas Killmann

8. Think about it…
Your son, who is in the sixth grade, wants to grow his hair long and pierce his nose.

9. Think about it…
You are meeting with a parent whose child has just been diagnosed with a significant healthcare need. When you introduce yourself, the parent becomes belligerent and defensive and raises her voice in a way you perceive as potentially threatening.

10. Positions & Interests
At the heart of many conflicts is a focus on the different participants’ positions as opposed to their interests. We are used to stating our positions. We are used to going into meetings with our position – our demand or our offer – and our back up position, what we are willing to settle for or compromise on. We are not used to going into meetings ready to express – or even necessarily be clear about – our underlying interests. This contributes to the likelihood of disputes.

11. Positions & Interests Position: Interest: Depositioning:
Specific solution proposed to resolve problem – the “What”
Interest:
Underlying real need/ desire that gives position its life (beliefs, values, expectations, fears, priorities, hopes, concerns) – the “Why”
Depositioning:
Why is that solution so important to you?
In any type of discussion about important issues, the position that you take, “I want daily OT services for my son” reflects what you say you want or are willing to offer. Your underlying interest, “need to improve writing skills’ – is the motivating force behind your position. Depositioning is a strategy to discover or uncover the underlying interest in a conversation that is caught up in competing positions.

12. Top of the iceberg represents positions
Interests run deeply under the surface
We could resolve everything that sits on top of the water and still have a relationship shipwreck if we don’t address the real interests that lie underneath and that can not easily be seen.

14. Sample Positions:
Education: “If a child disobeys the rules, they will be suspended.”
Child welfare: “Family visitation for a child in foster care cannot be at the family’s home.”
In many negotiations, the problem appears to be a conflict of positions; if the goal is to agree on a position, they naturally tend to think and talk just about the stated positions... in the process often reach impasse.
Can’t come up with real solution if only focus on positions. Looking to the underlying interests related to communication makes it more possible to develop a solution.

15. Finding the Interests
What need is the person taking this position attempting to satisfy?
What is motivating the person?
What is the person trying to accomplish?
What is the person afraid will happen if a demand is not fulfilled?

16. Finding the Interests Question, question, question…
"Why is that solution so important for you?“
Why are you suggesting…?
"What would you accomplish in getting what you want?"
"What if that did/didn't happen?”
“How will you be affected by…?”
“Imagine that you got ___________; what would be taken care of?”
Needs must be identified by asking questions that identify underlying interests: Why is that solution so important for you?
In any type of negotiation people state solutions that are position-based (i.e., I want daily OT services for my son). Important to find the interests/needs (father needs toileting help at home, more time with spouse)
Here are some sample questions to ask to help identify the silent movers behind the positions. You can use these questions yourself in trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes & thinking what their interests might be for their stated position. You can ask the person directly why they are taking a particular position.
When you actually use these WHY questions in an IEP meeting or a mediation session, you will be amazed that you might find rich information about the other person’s interests. If you are trying to change someone’s mind, you really have to figure out where their minds are now. Most of the time, there are many interests, not just one. The most powerful interests are the basic human needs – security, economic well-being, sense of belonging, recognition, and control over one’s life. When you take care of basic needs, you increase the chance of reaching agreement. Also, when you focus on interests, you often find that parties who disagree on positions have very strong shared or common interests. Realizing that you share those interests – positive outcomes for a child with a disability – can help reframe the conversation and create agreement.

17. Explain your interests
Communicate and explain your interests.
Make your interests come alive.
Acknowledge the other party’s interests.
Share your interests and reasoning first and proposals later.
People listen better when they feel that the others have listened to their interests.
Communicate and explain your interests
The other side may not know what your interests are – and you may not know theirs, or you may not even be listening to each other. If you want the other side to take your interests into account, explain to them what those interests are
Make your interests come alive.
It is your job to have the other side understand exactly how important and legitimate your interests are..
Be Specific. (Hand Writing example: Each year the info written by the teacher on the board gets more complex. My son’s handwritings skills will fall further an d further behind…). Part of the task of impressing the other with your interests lies in establishing the legitimacy of those interests. You want them to feel not that you attack them personally, but rather that the problem you face is very serious – and if they were in your shoes – they might feel the same way.
(LD/Placement example:): Be specific – “I received 1 notes, 0 phone calls from the teacher since Sept. She came home with 3Ds on her report card.” “How would you feel if that were your daughter & if you had known she was struggling, you maybe could have helped her at home?”)
Acknowledge the other party’s interests.
We are usually so concerned w/our own interests that we don’t pay enough attention to the interests of others. People listen better if they feel that you have understood them. They tend to think that those who understand them are intelligent and sympathetic people whose own opinions may be worth listening to. So, if you want the other side to appreciate your interests, begin by demonstrating that you appreciate theirs.
(LD/Placement example: Director could say, “As I understand it, your interests as a parent are to be able to support your daughter related to things happening at school, to make sure that she doesn’t get behind in her schoolwork, etc. Have I understood you correctly? Do you have any other impt. interests?”
Share your interests and reasoning first and proposals later
Put the problem before the solution. If you say: “…You really should provide 5 day per week OT services, because…”. By the time you come to the “because”, he/she may already be preparing arguments against it, and may not be hearing your interests. Start by describing your concerns with your child’s falling behind in written language – in not keeping up with the classroom’s demands - and asking how can the school district help?
(LD/Placement Example: Tell the Director, for ex, first about how much you worry and lose sleep over your daughter’s challenges, how impt her successful school experience and learning is to you, how much you were able to support her when you knew what her assignments were, etc & she was getting A’s & B’s. Then, when the Director is listening carefully, then when you explain that your proposed solution - an 3x/week & list of homework assignments & any outstanding assignments, they will understand why.)
Adapted from Roger Fisher and William Ury (1981), Getting to Yes, Negotiation Agreement without Giving In .

18. Summary: Interest-based Negotiation
Aims not to change the other person, but to change negotiation behavior
Shifts from ”your position versus mine” to “you and I versus the problem”
Involves a mutual exploration of interests to yield more creative options.
Uses objective criteria
Separates the people from the problem
Soft on people, hard on problem
When you put into practice the process of working out an agreement in an interest-based way, you are changing negotiation behavior (not trying to change the other person).
Interest-based negotiation recognizes that it is important to to deal with people as human beings, with emotions, deeply held values, different backgrounds, etc. Keep in mind face-saving, etc. Separate the people from the problem. “Be soft on people, hard on problem”
Interest-based negotiation is like Aikido – yours vs my position; shifts to you & me Vs the problem
Finding a way together to explore each others’ interests, to be able to find create options to meet the interests of each other to resolve the issues.
Adapted from Highnam, K. (2001). Interest-based negotiation,
CSSEA 2001 Fall Conference and AGM. Surry B.C, Canada. CSSEA; Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes.

19. Listening
It is only possible to reveal the underlying interests in any conversation if you truly listen.

20. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Stephen Covey, “Habit 5”
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
If I don’t feel like you are listening to me, I might spend my time on responding. Seek first to understand, someone has to go first, or you are stuck. The focus needs to be on the other.
Listening is 1st about the other person or:
” seek first to understand (someone has to go first) or we are stuck” A person is most able to understand you when they feel understood. Unless I feel you are making a genuine effort to understand me my time may be spent on my next response to you or I may be tuning you out. To understand you must listen.

21. Listening Think of a time when someone listened to you.
What did he/she do that made you feel s/he was listening?
What was his/her attitude toward you?
Do call outs from the audience,( Optional)put responses on a flip chart. Ask for examples for each Q. Do a couple of NOT examples. ex. While someone is talking stand close to them and cross your arms while they speak. Ask for feedback for the audience,.
Characteristics of good listening: eye contact, nodding, responding when asked a question, reflecting back.
Characteristics: our body and face needs to look like we are listening, whether in an audience or in a pair where one person is the parent and the other is teacher.

22. Listening Dignity and Respect
Following the thoughts and feelings of others to understand what they are saying from their perspective, frame of reference, or point of view.
Listening is the most cost effective skill you could use to avoid a disagreement or in preventing one from escalating. One of the most common reasons parents tell parent centers that they are filing for due process is because the school or district “just won’t listen to me,” “it’s useless to keep talking to them because they don’t hear a word I’m saying.” The savings from active and reflective listening comes from decrease in disagreements, promoting team work and saving time…so if listening is cost effective NOT listening can be costly. It can lead to mistakes, poor team work, and wasted time.
Dignity and Respect

23. Chinese character for “to listen:”
Ears, because we use our ears to hear.
Eyes, because we can see what someone is saying, even if they aren’t saying it in words, through their body language.
Undivided attention, because we know that paying attention is key to listening.
But why is the heart there? Because to truly listen to someone we must listen with our heart, for the heart of what they are trying to express to us.
Why do we have two ears and one mouth? Because listening is much harder than speaking.
The Chinese characters that make up the verb “to listen” tell us something about this skill.

24. Reflective Listening The HEART of listening is: Main rule:
EMPATHY, CARING & RESPECT
Main rule:
KEEP THE FOCUS ON THE OTHER
Basic skill clusters for reflective listening:
Attending skills
Following skills
Responding skills
Attending Skills- Posture, Eye Contact, Gestures, Environment, Interested Silence
Following Skills- Door-Openers, Acknowledgement Responses, Open-ended Questions
Responding Skills- Reflecting content, feeling and meaning; summarizing

25. Listening You can’t do two things at once if one of them is listening.
You can’t listen if you are trying to figure out what to say.
You can’t listen if you are assuming.

26. Listening Listening for the heart… with the heart…
It is only with the heart that one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint Exupery

27. To See (or Hear) Clearly
It is only with the heart that one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint Exupery

28. What stands in the way?
5 minute activity: What stands in the way of listening with the heart…for the heart? Pair up; 2 minutes in the pair; 3 minutes report out.

29. What can we do?
5 minute activity: How can we get past those walls to listen with our heart…for the heart? (Pair up: 2 minute sin pairs, 3 minute report out).

30. Communication

31. Communication Essentials
Addressing Power Imbalances
Cultural Reciprocity
These are 3 important considerations that set the stage for successful relationship building and collaborative problem solving between educators and parents.

32. Power Imbalances Inherent in Conflict
Actual and perceived power may differ
Participants may not be equipped/supported to participate effectively
Cultural differences may contribute
Recognize there are formal and informal forms of power
A thorough discussion related to power imbalances is challenging due to the complexity of the topic. One slide is not going to cover it all. We carry a lot of “baggage” due to our own personal experiences.
Actual and perceived power may differ
Power imbalance may be actual and/or perceived (either party may in fact or by perception have more or less power).
In some cases, both parties perceive the other as having more power.
Schools often have more people at the table than parents which can contribute to an imbalance (numbers can, in reality, or by perception, matter). Two parents and 10 school people on the other “side” could be problematic – though one powerful/intimidating parent might offset.
The behavior (intentional or unintentional) of a party (high emotion, refusing to cooperate, filibustering, threatening, etc) can alter the power dynamics.
Participants may not be equipped/supported to participate effectively
Participants may not have information about, or experience with, the skills necessary to positively and productively engage others.
The management of personal power and skillful responses to the power of others may require training/practice.
Support systems and resources may not be in place to assist parties in balanced participation.
Cultural differences may contribute
Cultural differences impact balance/imbalance of power (will address in next slide)
Recognize there are formal and informal forms of power
Examples of formal power include: access to resources, legal counsel, etc.
Examples of informal power include: communication skills, experience with procedural safeguards, etc.
Well-facilitated processes and trained participants support power balance
Creating balance does not disempower the more powerful. It builds the capacities of all at the table to more equitably engage each other.
Address power balance issues early and throughout (have “antennas” to search for and respond to imbalances).
Training (PTI, pre-service, in-service, etc) builds capacity for all to participate more powerfully.
Preparation = Power (for all participants); Lack of preparation empowers the other
Power Imbal.– inherent in conflict; person leadg mtg. must try recognize power issues &
address.
PI may be Actual or Perceived (Parents - on the face, may seem to have <power/status)
but, can influence by crying, eliciting sympathy or guilt;
parent has power to not coop. thus destrying chance for successful outcome
partic. may have cultural diffs or dis. themselves & not enuf spprt to partic
Impt. that steps be taken to make sure PI doesn’t distort the process
Environment: #’s matter –as # people at mt – 1/2 parent “side”; 10 on the other “side”
- where sit can change way people feel (size of chairs; close to the water;
- everyone gets a drink (not just staff bringing their coffee cups)
- how address each other (1st names, Mr/Ms. …. vs “mom”/”dad”)
Strategies for dealing w/PI: - assume no one is powerless…
- encourage & welcome All voices; support both parties…
never argue with the powerful;
be sure the meeting is well-facilitated
participants trained (as, incl staff & parents; work w/PTI advance; or during mtg – coaching parties… as, talk to partic. in private about the way they are approaching the other person.
Show them how to use “I” messages when talkg about their feelings; discuss their need to convince the other party to negotiate with them)
not permit intimidation/threats/put-downs
use caucus
get to the interests/ignore the positions - be patient/let silence work for you
In really extreme cases, a medtr/facilitator may have to end a session
The arrangement of the room, the number of people on one side vs. the parents; real power, perceived power. What’s the power of the parent when she bursts into tears. Parent has power not to cooperate. Both parents and schools may not be equipped to participate effectively.
Cultural barriers, parents may have disabilities themselves.
Addressing imbalances: making environment welcoming, training parents and staff to use “I” messages.

33. Power Imbalances Addressing Power Imbalances
Well-facilitated processes and trained participants
Well-built relationships
Unbiased third party/facilitator
What else?
Strategies for dealing with power imbalance:
Create a welcoming environment that communicates mutual respect – consider where people sit (how many on which side(s) of the table/room, who has drinks/food, size of chairs, clothing, etc).
Encourage the presence and expression of all voices. Soliciting input from all stake-holders is critical to establishing well-balanced communication (this increases the likelihood of a well-built and durable educational plan).
Agree about how people will be introduced and address each other (1st names, Mr./Ms. vs. “mom”/”dad”).
Have everyone arrive at the same time so that some people don’t have the experience of being outsiders.
Balance participation across all parties
Set ground-rules/guidelines – do not permit intimidation/threats/put-downs/demonizing
Use caucus as needed
Keep the focus on the child (perhaps bring the child’s picture)
Prepare parties ahead of time for capable expression of issues, needs, potential solutions, perspectives – don’t let people participate unprepared to engage each other.
Consider providing informal opportunity to vent any frustration/feelings. Raw emotion can have impact on power dynamics in a formal setting.
Relationships well-built help overcome imbalance and address cultural differences
Encourage mutually respectful communication in all manner and form; model this
Power Imbalances may be so extreme that the insertion of a third party may be necessary
Facilitators, mediators, and IEP team leaders are typically trained in understanding and responding to power imbalances.
The mere insertion of a third-party will change the power dynamics.
Bring the child’s picture on the table, keep a focus on the child.
Parents bring and share food.
Help prepare the parent ahead of time, give them an opportunity to vent their anger and frustration, help them identify the problem that they are concerned about. When emotions are raw, are powerless and vulnerable.
Have the parent come in with a written agenda, come in like the professionals, well dressed, bring in a book and pencil.
As you’re preparing for a meeting, ask parents well in advance

34. Cultural Reciprocity
Cultures have different ways of responding to conflict
Culture shapes status, relationships and social behaviors with regard to conflict resolution
Recognize that many people communicate and process information differently
Cultures have different ways of responding to conflict
Some cultures engage in conflict resolution collaboratively, others are more avoidance oriented.
Culture shapes status, relationships and social behaviors with regard to conflict resolution
Some cultures don’t question educators and other professionals.
Some cultures sacrifice justice for harmony.
Recognize that many people communicate and process information differently
Rational vs. intuitive; linear vs. circular; abstract vs. concrete.
Be flexible in communication style to reflect cultural and linguistic differences (eye contact, shaking of hands).

35. Cultural Reciprocity
Strategies to address cultural reciprocity range from the policy to the program to the personal level
Cultural reciprocity is a process, not an outcome
Strategies to address cultural competency range from the policy to the program to the personal level
An example of policy would be availability of qualified interpreters; commitment to diverse cadre of neutrals
An example of program would be inclusion of cultural liaison; materials in alternate languages
An example of personal would be learning more about family or school cultures involved in the situation
Cultural competence is a process, not an outcome
Culturally relevant understanding should be continually reached for and woven throughout everything you do

36. Moving from Cultural Competence to Cultural Reciprocity
Cultural competence presupposes that one of the partners in a relationship is going to be developing cultural competence “about” the other in the relationship; usually, it is the professional who is assumed to need to develop cultural competence. Cultural reciprocity is about building relationships – it’s not just about learning about the other, but also about sharing about oneself.
Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.
You can only practice cultural reciprocity if you listen with the heart…for the heart…and share your heart.

37. Creating Agreement ~ Establish rapport and trust
~ Uninterrupted time for each participant
~ Identify, clarify, summarize issues
~ Discuss issues & listen for common ground
~ Generate & evaluate possible solutions
~ Build agreements along the way

38. Commitment People say, what is the sense of our small effort.
They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time.
A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that…
-Dorothy Day
Each of us can be the pebble cast into the pond causing ripples of effective listening, focus on interests, cultural reciprocity, and thoughtful use of appropriate conflict resolution approaches that spread in all directions, creating agreement on behalf of children and youth with disabilities and their families.

39. For more Information Contact:
SharedWork.org CADRE, the National Center on Dispute Resolution in Special Education The IDEA Partnership Region 1 Parent TA SPAN   

40. Thank You for joining us for this presentation.
SPAN
35 Halsey Street, 4th Floor
Newark, NJ
Phone:
Toll Free: SPAN
Fax:
Empowered Families: Educated, Engaged, Effective!
Thank the group for their time, ask if there are any questions. Be sure to ask participants to complete evaluation forms.