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Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management Nadia Breese Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection.

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Presentation on theme: "Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management Nadia Breese Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection."— Presentation transcript:

1 Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management
Nadia Breese Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided

2 What are Parenting Styles?
How you: Typically broken into 4 groups: Respond to your child's needs (warmth and nurture) Authoritarian Authoritative Demand or control behaviour (how you manage behaviour) Indulgent/Permissive Neglectful/Rejecting Demand/Control Low High Indulgent/ Permissive High Authoritative Response (warmth) Authoritarian Neglectful/ Rejecting Low

3 Where does your style come from?
Cultural Norms Societal Norms (often influenced by Parenting Books) Internal Working Models (IWM)

4 What are IWM’s? How you were parented affects your parenting
Parent the way you were parented Parent extreme opposite (Authoritarian-Permissive)

5 Lets explore!

Do as I say! What it looks like: Controlling, bossy, rigid rules, all decisions are made for the child. may use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation Child’s feelings are typically ignored. Little verbal exchange Affection and praise are rarely given Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it. Warmth Feelings Control and Unquestioned Obedience Punctuality, Cleanliness & Order Competition Rules Respect for Authority I’ll give you something to cry about! Why aren’t you more like your brother? Don’t be such a baby! Because I said so! That’s it! No Birthday for you! Not as long as you’re under my roof!

7 “Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Outcomes “Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso Children from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do. Obedient Distrustful High Achievers Discontent Withdrawn Unhappy Hostile/Agressive Often Rebel Higher levels of depression. Tend to be “sneaky” Fear or resent parent Reliant on External Motivators (e.g. payment for good grades/behaviour. “What do I get?”) Tend to “Follow the pack” Low Self Esteem High risk of drug abuse, sexual promiscuity

8 Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)”
I’m the “Cool Mom. There are no rules in this house!” What it looks like: Discipline is lax or non-existent No guidelines or structure Few demands Emotions rule Avoid confrontation Often giving into emotional pressure (e.g. whining, tantrums) Parents will “bail children out” of learning opportunities Chaotic Environment Parents allow their children to do their own thing Little respect for order and routine. Parents make few demands on children. Rarely punish Non controlling, non-demanding Response Warmth/ Freedom Nurture Feelings Attention Control/ Limits Structure Rules I had so many rules on me as a child, I don’t want to do that to my children. I don’t like to say “No” to my child. The kids go to bed when ever they’re tired, I don’t believe in bedtimes. The teacher is overreacting, he wasn’t being rude, he was just expressing himself. I’m sorry, of course you can go to the party, I don’t like to see you upset.

9 Outcomes Children from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing. Act “Spoiled” Low persistence to challenging tasks Rarely learn respect for others Have difficulty controlling their behaviour. Typically poor performers in school Inflated sense of self Have difficulty with authority Difficulty accepting “failure” Antisocial behaviours High Anxiety Aggressive May be aggressive, domineering, and non-compliant Low Self Esteem Self-hatred Act impulsively Repressed anger and rage Poor emotion regulation (under regulated) Extrinsic Locus of Control Risk of sexual promiscuity, drinking and drug abuse Rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged.

10 Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)”
What it looks like: Parents who neither nurture nor discipline their children. Reject or neglect child-rearing responsibilities Spend minimal time and effort with their child. They may suffer from drug use, mental health issues, or immaturity Are unavailable to the child, may not have the time or energy for children because of their own life problems and stresses Latch-key children Response/Warmth Control/Demand LOW I’m too tired to make dinner, fend for yourself Do whatever you want. I won’t be coming to your school play, I have a baseball game that night.

11 Outcomes of the uninvolved parent
Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around others. They can be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children show little sign of internal control because they lack adults who model these behaviours. Have poor relationships with others. the children tend to grow up to be hostile lack social and academic skills Impulsive Aggressive most engage in delinquent behavior Low achievement motivation. Easily conform to peers (peer pressure) Antisocial At risk for sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, suicide Immature Psychological problems


13 Authoritative AKA “The Backbone”
You have a choice, you can brush your hair first or your teeth first “You know you should not have done that. Let's talk about how you can handle the situation better next time.” What it looks like The Middle ground: High in Nurture and Discipline Show pleasure and support of children's constructive behaviour (high in love & affection) Value freedom along with structure, support and responsibilities Parents set age appropriate expectations of behaviour, set limits and enforce rules Appreciation of rights of others Give & Take Communication: willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions; children contribute to discussion and make some of their own decisions Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it. Lots of smiles, hugs and humour Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities. Consistent Response/Warmth Control/Demand High Expectations Positive Guidance Discipline & Limits Affection Nurture Respect I believe in you You can go to the party, but you need to be home by… You’re grades are down, lets talk about how to solve this. If you want to ride your bike, you must wear a helmet.

14 Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent
“Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara Coloroso Children whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success. Achievement-oriented Task persistent Tend to be the happiest, most self-reliant, self-controlled. Academic achievement Intrinsically motivated Well developed social skills(maintain friendly relations with peers, cooperate with adults, cope well with stress) Take responsibility for actions/choices (don’t blame others) Good problem solvers and at resolving conflicts Content, friendly, generous Cooperative Respect for others Less likely to be seriously disruptive or delinquent Respect for choices Often cheerful Self Confident Self-reliant Well developed emotion regulation

15 What’s your style? Parenting Style Quiz
Authoritative 3 7 9 10 Authoritarian 2 8 12 14 Indulgent/Permissive 1 11 13 15 Neglectful 4 5 6 Most parents find they have characteristics of more than one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to achieve the best outcomes for your child.

16 How to adopt a “backbone” approach
**Important choosing not to PUNISH does not mean choosing not to discipline or set limits** How to adopt a “backbone” approach

17 “Children need boundaries.
They won't thrive or survive without limits; neither will their parents.”- Dr. Sears

18 You don’t need to hurt me, to teach me”- Unknown

19 Punishment V.S. Discipline

20 Punishment Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back”
Used to bully or coerce children into behaving Behaviours include: Spanking, shaking, yanking an arm Hair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to others!) Withdraw affection, ignore, not speaking Humiliating the child, ridiculing Positive Child Guidance 2012 p207 “Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso

21 Punishment…implications
Promotes fear, aggression and resentment Makes children dependent on adults while increasing adult control and authority Develops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act constructively Promotes compliance and conformity External “I don’t want to get in trouble” Has a negative effect on self-esteem makes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directed Addresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s long-term needs Child doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishment focuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action

22 Discipline Separates the behavior from the child
Helps the child understand and change behavior Adult and child identify appropriate behavior Child understands consequences of behavior Adult encourages problem solving Adult helps child assume responsibility for behavior Explain limits and consequences of misbehavior Considers ability level of child (age appropriate) Models acceptable behavior Accepts child’s need to assert self Sets reasonable limits

23 Discipline…implications
Builds self esteem and keeps it intact Respects the child, and models respect Empowers children to understand their behaviour Gives confidence Encourages problem solving Emotionally supports Fosters healthy relationships Builds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I want to do the right thing.” Creates social competence

24 Discipline; Positive child guidance
Strategies Discipline; Positive child guidance

25 Positive Guidance Used to nurture and shape behaviour
Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful manner) to behave appropriately Behaviours include: focusing child’s attention on logical and natural consequences Acknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to follow Interrupting behaviour that is dangerous Accept negative feelings but stop negative action (e.g. “I understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)

26 “Word your directions to the children in a positive manner.
Tell them what you would like them to do, rather than what not to do. This helps them learn appropriate ways of behaving.” Read, Gardner, Mahlu; 1987

27 Positive Child Guidance
Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that” Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling the child what to do Focus’ on positive alternatives Suggests socially acceptable behaviours Helps to develop self confidence and self control E.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try “You can draw on paper, but not on walls.” LET’S TRY!

28 Change these statements into positive guidance statements.
Don’t run… Don’t yell… Don’t stand on the table… Don’t talk while I am talking… Don’t paint on Mary’s paper… Don’t climb up the slide… Don’t take your shoes off… Don’t go that way… Please, walk. Please use a quiet voice. Your feet need to be on the floor. Please wait until I’m finished talking (and then you can have your turn). You can paint on your own paper You climb up the stairs and go down the slide. Please keep your shoes on. Come this way.

29 Language That Sets Limits
Describe the action State limits Give reasons Offer choices

30 Examples “Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (action and limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your choices are to go into the backyard to run or to walk inside.” (choices). “Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the wall or net or choose another activity. Which will you do? (choices)”

31 Natural And Logical CONSEQUENCES

32 Punitive = restricts or controls behaviour without addressing the conflict or issue
Natural = a spontaneous outcome of a problem or conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's own action. Logical = consequence imposed by an adult but linked to the child’s actions

33 LET’S TRY! Natural Consequence Logical Consequence
Automatically results from the child’s behaviour No intervention from an adult. Children learn from natural consequences because the consequence is immediate and directly related to the action. Example: If a child puts their shoes on the wrong feet, then their feet hurt (natural) If a situation is neither life threatening, morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let The natural consequence give life to the child’s learning. Parents are often uncomfortable with natural Consequences. The results of the child’s actions that are imposed by the adult. Closely connected to the conflict or issue being processed Purpose is to resolve the problem in a way which teaches the child to take responsibility for their behaviour/action rather than to punish the child Example: A boy accidentally broke something on display while on a school field trip. Instead of being punished, he was asked to write an apology letter and replace the broken item LET’S TRY!

34 Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and which are logical consequences (L).
Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use. “When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.” If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with. Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck. James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold. It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts. Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My feet are really cold.” Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up. Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to sit in time out and think about what they did. N N L N N L N L Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to get the tape and repair the book. P

35 Thank you & Questions

36 Recommended Resource: Barbara Coloroso
Parent, teacher, and author International speaker recognized around the world Areas of specialty are parenting, teaching, school discipline, and non-violent conflict resolution Has written three best sellers, including : “Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline,” “Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change,” “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”

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