Presentation on theme: "Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management Nadia Breese Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection."— Presentation transcript:
1 Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management Nadia BreesePlease take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided
2 What are Parenting Styles? How you:Typically broken into 4 groups:Respond to your child's needs (warmth and nurture)AuthoritarianAuthoritativeDemand or control behaviour (how you manage behaviour)Indulgent/PermissiveNeglectful/RejectingDemand/ControlLowHighIndulgent/PermissiveHighAuthoritativeResponse (warmth)AuthoritarianNeglectful/RejectingLow
3 Where does your style come from? Cultural NormsSocietal Norms (often influenced by Parenting Books)Internal Working Models (IWM)
4 What are IWM’s? How you were parented affects your parenting Parent the way you were parentedParent extreme opposite (Authoritarian-Permissive)
6 AUTHORITARIAN AKA THE BRICKWALL Do as I say!What it looks like:Controlling, bossy, rigid rules, all decisions are made for the child.may use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperationChild’s feelings are typically ignored.Little verbal exchangeAffection and praise are rarely givenChildren are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it.WarmthFeelingsControl and Unquestioned ObediencePunctuality, Cleanliness & OrderCompetitionRulesRespect for AuthorityI’ll give you something to cry about!Why aren’t you more like your brother?Don’t be such a baby!Because I said so!That’s it! No Birthday for you!Not as long as you’re under my roof!
7 “Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso Outcomes“Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara ColorosoChildren from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do.ObedientDistrustfulHigh AchieversDiscontentWithdrawnUnhappyHostile/AgressiveOften RebelHigher levels of depression.Tend to be “sneaky”Fear or resent parentReliant on External Motivators (e.g. payment for good grades/behaviour. “What do I get?”)Tend to “Follow the pack”Low Self EsteemHigh risk of drug abuse, sexual promiscuity
8 Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)” I’m the “Cool Mom. There are no rules in this house!”What it looks like:Discipline is lax or non-existentNo guidelines or structureFew demandsEmotions ruleAvoid confrontationOften giving into emotional pressure (e.g. whining, tantrums)Parents will “bail children out” of learning opportunitiesChaotic EnvironmentParents allow their children to do their own thingLittle respect for order and routine.Parents make few demands on children.Rarely punishNon controlling, non-demandingResponseWarmth/FreedomNurtureFeelingsAttentionControl/LimitsStructureRulesI had so many rules on me as a child, I don’t want to do that to my children.I don’t like to say “No” to my child.The kids go to bed when ever they’re tired, I don’t believe in bedtimes.The teacher is overreacting, he wasn’t being rude, he was just expressing himself.I’m sorry, of course you can go to the party, I don’t like to see you upset.
9 OutcomesChildren from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing.Act “Spoiled”Low persistence to challenging tasksRarely learn respect for othersHave difficulty controlling their behaviour.Typically poor performers in schoolInflated sense of selfHave difficulty with authorityDifficulty accepting “failure”Antisocial behavioursHigh AnxietyAggressiveMay be aggressive, domineering, and non-compliantLow Self EsteemSelf-hatredAct impulsivelyRepressed anger and ragePoor emotion regulation (under regulated)Extrinsic Locus of ControlRisk of sexual promiscuity, drinking and drug abuseRebellious and defiant when desires are challenged.
10 Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)” What it looks like:Parents who neither nurture nordiscipline their children.Reject or neglect child-rearing responsibilitiesSpend minimal time and effort with their child.They may suffer from drug use, mental health issues, or immaturityAre unavailable to the child, may not have the time or energy for children because of their own life problems and stressesLatch-key childrenResponse/WarmthControl/DemandLOWI’m too tired to make dinner, fend for yourselfDo whatever you want.I won’t be coming to your school play, I have a baseball game that night.
11 Outcomes of the uninvolved parent Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around others. They can be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children show little sign of internal control because they lack adults who model these behaviours.Have poor relationships with others.the children tend to grow up to be hostilelack social and academic skillsImpulsiveAggressivemost engage in delinquent behaviorLow achievement motivation.Easily conform to peers (peer pressure)AntisocialAt risk for sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, suicideImmaturePsychological problems
13 Authoritative AKA “The Backbone” You have a choice, you can brush your hair first or your teeth first“You know you should not have done that. Let's talk about how you can handle the situation better next time.”What it looks likeThe Middle ground:High in Nurture and DisciplineShow pleasure and support of children's constructive behaviour (high in love & affection)Value freedom along with structure, support and responsibilitiesParents set age appropriate expectations of behaviour, set limits and enforce rulesAppreciation of rights of othersGive & Take Communication: willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions; children contribute to discussion and make some of their own decisionsExert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it.Lots of smiles, hugs and humourRespect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities.ConsistentResponse/WarmthControl/DemandHigh ExpectationsPositive GuidanceDiscipline & LimitsAffectionNurtureRespectI believe in youYou can go to the party, but you need to be home by…You’re grades are down, lets talk about how to solve this.If you want to ride your bike, you must wear a helmet.
14 Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent “Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara ColorosoChildren whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success.Achievement-orientedTask persistentTend to be the happiest, most self-reliant, self-controlled.Academic achievementIntrinsically motivatedWell developed social skills(maintain friendly relations with peers, cooperate with adults, cope well with stress)Take responsibility foractions/choices (don’t blame others)Good problem solvers and at resolving conflictsContent, friendly, generousCooperativeRespect for othersLess likely to be seriously disruptive or delinquentRespect for choicesOften cheerfulSelf ConfidentSelf-reliantWell developed emotion regulation
15 What’s your style? Parenting Style Quiz Authoritative37910Authoritarian281214Indulgent/Permissive1111315Neglectful456Most parents find they have characteristics of more than one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to achieve the best outcomes for your child.
16 How to adopt a “backbone” approach **Important choosing not to PUNISH does not mean choosing not to discipline or set limits**How to adopt a “backbone” approach
17 “Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits;neither will their parents.”- Dr. Sears
18 You don’t need to hurt me, to teach me”- Unknown
20 Punishment Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back” Used to bully or coerce children into behavingBehaviours include:Spanking, shaking, yanking an armHair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to others!)Withdraw affection, ignore, not speakingHumiliating the child, ridiculingPositive Child Guidance 2012 p207“Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso
21 Punishment…implications Promotes fear, aggression and resentmentMakes children dependent on adults while increasing adult control and authorityDevelops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act constructivelyPromotes compliance and conformityExternal “I don’t want to get in trouble”Has a negative effect on self-esteemmakes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directedAddresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s long-term needsChild doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishmentfocuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action
22 Discipline Separates the behavior from the child Helps the child understand and change behaviorAdult and child identify appropriate behaviorChild understands consequences of behaviorAdult encourages problem solvingAdult helps child assume responsibility for behaviorExplain limits and consequences of misbehaviorConsiders ability level of child (age appropriate)Models acceptable behaviorAccepts child’s need to assert selfSets reasonable limits
23 Discipline…implications Builds self esteem and keeps it intactRespects the child, and models respectEmpowers children to understand their behaviourGives confidenceEncourages problem solvingEmotionally supportsFosters healthy relationshipsBuilds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I want to do the right thing.”Creates social competence
25 Positive Guidance Used to nurture and shape behaviour Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful manner) to behave appropriatelyBehaviours include:focusing child’s attention on logical and natural consequencesAcknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to followInterrupting behaviour that is dangerousAccept negative feelings but stop negative action (e.g. “I understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)
26 “Word your directions to the children in a positive manner. Tell them what you would like them to do,rather than what not to do.This helps them learn appropriate ways of behaving.”Read, Gardner, Mahlu; 1987
27 Positive Child Guidance Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that”Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling the child what to doFocus’ on positive alternativesSuggests socially acceptable behavioursHelps to develop self confidence and self controlE.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try “You can draw on paper, but not on walls.”LET’S TRY!
28 Change these statements into positive guidance statements. Don’t run… Don’t yell… Don’t stand on the table… Don’t talk while I am talking… Don’t paint on Mary’s paper… Don’t climb up the slide… Don’t take your shoes off… Don’t go that way…Please, walk.Please use a quiet voice.Your feet need to be on the floor.Please wait until I’m finished talking(and then you can have your turn).You can paint on your own paperYou climb up the stairs and go down the slide.Please keep your shoes on.Come this way.
29 Language That Sets Limits Describe the actionState limitsGive reasonsOffer choices
30 Examples“Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (action and limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your choices are to go into the backyard to run or to walk inside.” (choices).“Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the wall or net or choose another activity. Which will you do? (choices)”
32 Punitive = restricts or controls behaviour without addressing the conflict or issue Natural = a spontaneous outcome of a problem or conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's own action.Logical = consequence imposed by an adult but linked to the child’s actions
33 LET’S TRY! Natural Consequence Logical Consequence Automatically results from the child’s behaviourNo intervention from an adult.Children learn from natural consequences because the consequence is immediate and directly related to the action.Example: If a child puts their shoes on the wrong feet, then their feet hurt (natural)If a situation is neither life threatening,morally threatening, nor unhealthy, letThe natural consequence give life tothe child’s learning. Parents are oftenuncomfortable with naturalConsequences.The results of the child’s actions that are imposed by the adult.Closely connected to the conflict or issue being processedPurpose is to resolve the problem in a way which teaches the child to take responsibility for their behaviour/action rather than to punish the childExample: A boy accidentally broke something on display while on a school field trip. Instead of being punished, he was asked to write an apology letter and replace the broken itemLET’S TRY!
34 Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and which are logical consequences (L). Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use.“When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.”If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with.Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck.James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold.It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts.Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My feet are really cold.”Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up.Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to sit in time out and think about what they did.NNLNNLNLTwo children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to get the tape and repair the book.P
36 Recommended Resource: Barbara Coloroso Parent, teacher, and authorInternational speaker recognized around the worldAreas of specialty are parenting, teaching, school discipline, and non-violent conflict resolutionHas written three best sellers, including :“Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline,”“Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change,”“The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”