1. What is love? How do you define it?

2. Unconditional positive regard
Love
Unconditional positive regard
However according to Levine (2007) adult relationships are highly conditional – we are constantly being evaluated by our partners.

3. Falling in love - a grave mental disease
Plato
Falling in love is a time when the normal become psychotic
Freud
Cupid’s arrow

4. Chemistry of falling in love
What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’?
‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness
Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)]
Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicals
Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived.
Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.

5. Words to describe falling in love
Your words?
Earth shattering
Trance
Beguiling
Amazed
Exhilarated
Sudden and intense
Trepidation
Struck by Cupid’s arrow

6. Romantic love and marriage around the world
Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love).
Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures.
The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for selecting a partner
The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.

7. Romantic love is … Knee identifies five components of romantic love:
the belief that love conquers all;
the belief that each person has only one true love;
the expectation that the beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover;
love at first sight is possible; and
it is better to follow your heart than your head when choosing a partner.
Knee (1998)

8. Intimacy, passion & commitment
Stenberg’s model of love consists of
intimacy
passion
commitment.
Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix.
These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3).
Sternberg (1988)

9. Falling in love - why and with whom???
If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner?
PROXIMITY
SIMILARITY
RECIPROCITY – when we receive actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988)
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
See text p188

10. Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationship
An understanding you are not always right.
A willingness to live mainly in the present.
Promotion of the other’s well being and also your own.
Active cooperation with each other.
A willingness to accept that one’s partner is not perfect.
Coates (1999)

11. To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up Ogden Nash, 1962

12. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
9 nouns of love
- all stages may be experienced throughout adult life
- range of possibilities of meaning
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

13. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
1. Love is an idealised ambition
- to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of life
- sexual pleasure and fidelity
- a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehood
- assist us to mature and cope with life’s demands
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

14. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
2. Love is an arrangement – a deal
- what will the person bring to my life?
- carefully consider potential partner’s assets
- exchanges of hopes, expectations and deals
- young people in their first relationships usually don’t think in these terms
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

15. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
3. Love is an attachment
- after the deal comes the attachment
- weaving together
- sex facilitates this attachment
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

16. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
4. Love is a moral commitment
- eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremony
- raises the bar of expectations
- people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorce
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

17. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
5. Love is a management process
- love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner’s mind
- both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private)
- we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don’t struggle to love them
- HIS relationship/ HER relationship
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

18. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
6. Love is a force of nature
- biology – eg. reproduction
- how individuals behave
- throughout the ever changing relationship
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

19. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
7. Love is a transient emotional state
- a number of feelings
- pleasure, interest and sexual arousal
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

20. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
8. Love is an illusion
- we want to believe in the illusion
- internal processes to maintain the relationship
- society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows what love is
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

21. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love
9. Love as a stop sign
- why?
- linked to illusion – a defence against self discovery
- to end the enquiry – “I love him/her”
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

22. Stephen Levine – Demystifying love Verbs of love
- falling
- being
- staying
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
p30 Falling – the fantasy – one or both people
Being – is the deal a good one – both people sharing the emotional upheaval – often a sexual peak – the desire to be happy and to be understood – guard the wellbeing of the other and to start to share vulnerabilities

23. Staying in love - a study in adult maturation
- working through many challenges
- putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of partner
- requires competence in the relationship
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

24. Staying in love – predictors (Gottman)
- ability to repair their relationship – de-escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite problems
- women’s soft presentation of problem and men’s willingness to stay involved in the conversation
- men’s ability to accept influence from their partner
- Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE family
Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process. Annual Review of Psychology, 49.,
Their stability and happiness did not depend upon their ability to resolve their problems – the key was their ability to MAINTAIN DIALOGUE ABOUT THEM -

25. Staying in love – 3 more competencies
Genuineness – sharing our inner world with the other (Fromm)
Overcoming narcissism – putting the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own needs
Negotiation and share decision making
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
p35

26. Assisting people to stay in love - speaking
The capacity to know what one thinks and feels
The willingness to explain it to another
The skill to express the feelings and the ideas with words
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
P57

27. Assisting people to stay in love - listening
An uncritical acceptance of what is said
An awareness of the importance of the moment for the speaker
A grasp of what is being said
A sense of privilege that he/she is present to hear what the speaker has to say
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
P57

28. Fair communication No name calling
No threatening to leave, divorce or other withdrawal strategy
No needless assaults on the other person’s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each know so well)
Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.
P57

29. who would you call and what would you say? … And why are you waiting?”
“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would
you say? …
And why are you waiting?”
Stephen Levine

30. Dido – Thank you (No Angel 2000)
My tea’s gone cold,
I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can’t see at all.
And even if I could it’d all be grey
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad
It’s not so bad.
I drank too much last night,
Got bills to pay,
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus
And there’ll be hell today.
I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there
They’ll imply that I might not last the day.

31. And then you call me and it’s not so bad It’s not that bad and …
I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life.
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life.
Push the door, I’m home at last
And I’m soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel
And all I see is you.
And even if my house falls down now,
I wouldn’t have a clue
Because you’re near me and …
I just want to thank you….