1. Welcome! Understanding parenting styles and its impact on behaviour management
Nadia Breese
Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided

2. What are Parenting Styles?
How you:
Typically broken into 4 groups:
Respond to your child's needs (warmth and nurture)
Authoritarian
Authoritative
Demand or control behaviour (how you manage behaviour)
Indulgent/Permissive
Neglectful/Rejecting
Demand/Control
Low
High
Indulgent/
Permissive
High
Authoritative
Response (warmth)
Authoritarian
Neglectful/
Rejecting
Low

3. Where does your style come from?
Cultural Norms
Societal Norms (often influenced by Parenting Books)
Internal Working Models (IWM)

4. What are IWM’s? How you were parented affects your parenting
Parent the way you were parented
Parent extreme opposite (Authoritarian-Permissive)

5. Lets explore!

6. AUTHORITARIAN AKA THE BRICKWALL
Do as I say!
What it looks like:
Controlling, bossy, rigid rules, all decisions are made for the child.
may use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation
Child’s feelings are typically ignored.
Little verbal exchange
Affection and praise are rarely given
Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it.
Warmth
Feelings
Control and Unquestioned Obedience
Punctuality, Cleanliness & Order
Competition
Rules
Respect for Authority
I’ll give you something to cry about!
Why aren’t you more like your brother?
Don’t be such a baby!
Because I said so!
That’s it! No Birthday for you!
Not as long as you’re under my roof!

7. “Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Outcomes
“Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do.
Obedient
Distrustful
High Achievers
Discontent
Withdrawn
Unhappy
Hostile/Agressive
Often Rebel
Higher levels of depression.
Tend to be “sneaky”
Fear or resent parent
Reliant on External Motivators (e.g. payment for good grades/behaviour. “What do I get?”)
Tend to “Follow the pack”
Low Self Esteem
High risk of drug abuse, sexual promiscuity

8. Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)”
I’m the “Cool Mom. There are no rules in this house!”
What it looks like:
Discipline is lax or non-existent
No guidelines or structure
Few demands
Emotions rule
Avoid confrontation
Often giving into emotional pressure (e.g. whining, tantrums)
Parents will “bail children out” of learning opportunities
Chaotic Environment
Parents allow their children to do their own thing
Little respect for order and routine.
Parents make few demands on children.
Rarely punish
Non controlling, non-demanding
Response
Warmth/
Freedom
Nurture
Feelings
Attention
Control/
Limits
Structure
Rules
I had so many rules on me as a child, I don’t want to do that to my children.
I don’t like to say “No” to my child.
The kids go to bed when ever they’re tired, I don’t believe in bedtimes.
The teacher is overreacting, he wasn’t being rude, he was just expressing himself.
I’m sorry, of course you can go to the party, I don’t like to see you upset.

9. Outcomes
Children from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the right thing.
Act “Spoiled”
Low persistence to challenging tasks
Rarely learn respect for others
Have difficulty controlling their behaviour.
Typically poor performers in school
Inflated sense of self
Have difficulty with authority
Difficulty accepting “failure”
Antisocial behaviours
High Anxiety
Aggressive
May be aggressive, domineering, and non-compliant
Low Self Esteem
Self-hatred
Act impulsively
Repressed anger and rage
Poor emotion regulation (under regulated)
Extrinsic Locus of Control
Risk of sexual promiscuity, drinking and drug abuse
Rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged.

10. Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)”
What it looks like:
Parents who neither nurture nor
discipline their children.
Reject or neglect child-rearing responsibilities
Spend minimal time and effort with their child.
They may suffer from drug use, mental health issues, or immaturity
Are unavailable to the child, may not have the time or energy for children because of their own life problems and stresses
Latch-key children
Response/Warmth
Control/Demand
LOW
I’m too tired to make dinner, fend for yourself
Do whatever you want.
I won’t be coming to your school play, I have a baseball game that night.

11. Outcomes of the uninvolved parent
Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around others. They can be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children show little sign of internal control because they lack adults who model these behaviours.
Have poor relationships with others.
the children tend to grow up to be hostile
lack social and academic skills
Impulsive
Aggressive
most engage in delinquent behavior
Low achievement motivation.
Easily conform to peers (peer pressure)
Antisocial
At risk for sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, suicide
Immature
Psychological problems

12. SO WHAT THEN???

13. Authoritative AKA “The Backbone”
You have a choice, you can brush your hair first or your teeth first
“You know you should not have done that. Let's talk about how you can handle the situation better next time.”
What it looks like
The Middle ground:
High in Nurture and Discipline
Show pleasure and support of children's constructive behaviour (high in love & affection)
Value freedom along with structure, support and responsibilities
Parents set age appropriate expectations of behaviour, set limits and enforce rules
Appreciation of rights of others
Give & Take Communication: willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions; children contribute to discussion and make some of their own decisions
Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it.
Lots of smiles, hugs and humour
Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities.
Consistent
Response/Warmth
Control/Demand
High Expectations
Positive Guidance
Discipline & Limits
Affection
Nurture
Respect
I believe in you
You can go to the party, but you need to be home by…
You’re grades are down, lets talk about how to solve this.
If you want to ride your bike, you must wear a helmet.

14. Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent
“Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success.
Achievement-oriented
Task persistent
Tend to be the happiest, most self-reliant, self-controlled.
Academic achievement
Intrinsically motivated
Well developed social skills(maintain friendly relations with peers, cooperate with adults, cope well with stress)
Take responsibility for
actions/choices (don’t blame others)
Good problem solvers and at resolving conflicts
Content, friendly, generous
Cooperative
Respect for others
Less likely to be seriously disruptive or delinquent
Respect for choices
Often cheerful
Self Confident
Self-reliant
Well developed emotion regulation

15. What’s your style? Parenting Style Quiz
Authoritative 3 7 9 10
Authoritarian 2 8 12 14
Indulgent/Permissive 1 11 13 15
Neglectful 4 5 6
Most parents find they have characteristics of more than one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to achieve the best outcomes for your child.

16. How to adopt a “backbone” approach
**Important choosing not to PUNISH does not mean choosing not to discipline or set limits**
How to adopt a “backbone” approach

17. “Children need boundaries.
They won't thrive or survive without limits;
neither will their parents.”- Dr. Sears

18. You don’t need to hurt me, to teach me”- Unknown

19. Punishment V.S. Discipline

20. Punishment Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back”
Used to bully or coerce children into behaving
Behaviours include:
Spanking, shaking, yanking an arm
Hair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to others!)
Withdraw affection, ignore, not speaking
Humiliating the child, ridiculing
Positive Child Guidance 2012 p207
“Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso

21. Punishment…implications
Promotes fear, aggression and resentment
Makes children dependent on adults while increasing adult control and authority
Develops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act constructively
Promotes compliance and conformity
External “I don’t want to get in trouble”
Has a negative effect on self-esteem
makes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directed
Addresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s long-term needs
Child doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishment
focuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action

22. Discipline Separates the behavior from the child
Helps the child understand and change behavior
Adult and child identify appropriate behavior
Child understands consequences of behavior
Adult encourages problem solving
Adult helps child assume responsibility for behavior
Explain limits and consequences of misbehavior
Considers ability level of child (age appropriate)
Models acceptable behavior
Accepts child’s need to assert self
Sets reasonable limits

23. Discipline…implications
Builds self esteem and keeps it intact
Respects the child, and models respect
Empowers children to understand their behaviour
Gives confidence
Encourages problem solving
Emotionally supports
Fosters healthy relationships
Builds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I want to do the right thing.”
Creates social competence

24. Discipline; Positive child guidance
Strategies
Discipline; Positive child guidance

25. Positive Guidance Used to nurture and shape behaviour
Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful manner) to behave appropriately
Behaviours include:
focusing child’s attention on logical and natural consequences
Acknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to follow
Interrupting behaviour that is dangerous
Accept negative feelings but stop negative action (e.g. “I understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)

26. “Word your directions to the children in a positive manner.
Tell them what you would like them to do,
rather than what not to do.
This helps them learn appropriate ways of behaving.”
Read, Gardner, Mahlu; 1987

27. Positive Child Guidance
Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that”
Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling the child what to do
Focus’ on positive alternatives
Suggests socially acceptable behaviours
Helps to develop self confidence and self control
E.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try “You can draw on paper, but not on walls.”
LET’S TRY!

28. Change these statements into positive guidance statements.
Don’t run… Don’t yell… Don’t stand on the table… Don’t talk while I am talking… Don’t paint on Mary’s paper… Don’t climb up the slide… Don’t take your shoes off… Don’t go that way…
Please, walk.
Please use a quiet voice.
Your feet need to be on the floor.
Please wait until I’m finished talking
(and then you can have your turn).
You can paint on your own paper
You climb up the stairs and go down the slide.
Please keep your shoes on.
Come this way.

29. Language That Sets Limits
Describe the action
State limits
Give reasons
Offer choices

30. Examples
“Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (action and limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your choices are to go into the backyard to run or to walk inside.” (choices).
“Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the wall or net or choose another activity. Which will you do? (choices)”

31. Natural And Logical CONSEQUENCES

32. Punitive = restricts or controls behaviour without addressing the conflict or issue
Natural = a spontaneous outcome of a problem or conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's own action.
Logical = consequence imposed by an adult but linked to the child’s actions

33. LET’S TRY! Natural Consequence Logical Consequence
Automatically results from the child’s behaviour
No intervention from an adult.
Children learn from natural consequences because the consequence is immediate and directly related to the action.
Example: If a child puts their shoes on the wrong feet, then their feet hurt (natural)
If a situation is neither life threatening,
morally threatening, nor unhealthy, let
The natural consequence give life to
the child’s learning. Parents are often
uncomfortable with natural
Consequences.
The results of the child’s actions that are imposed by the adult.
Closely connected to the conflict or issue being processed
Purpose is to resolve the problem in a way which teaches the child to take responsibility for their behaviour/action rather than to punish the child
Example: A boy accidentally broke something on display while on a school field trip. Instead of being punished, he was asked to write an apology letter and replace the broken item
LET’S TRY!

34. Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and which are logical consequences (L).
Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use.
“When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.”
If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with.
Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck.
James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold.
It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts.
Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My feet are really cold.”
Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up.
Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to sit in time out and think about what they did. N N L N N L N L
Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to get the tape and repair the book. P

35. Thank you & Questions

36. Recommended Resource: Barbara Coloroso
Parent, teacher, and author
International speaker recognized around the world
Areas of specialty are parenting, teaching, school discipline, and non-violent conflict resolution
Has written three best sellers, including :
“Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline,”
“Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of Loss, Grief, and Change,”
“The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”