1. SCHOOL FOR PARENTS The Complex of Secondary Schools of Energy
Reja Street 25 Gdansk

2. SCHOOL FOR PARENTS
The workshops have been conducted by the school pedagogist for parents and teachers since March 2011 in Secondary School of Energy.
There are eight people taking part in classes.
The aim of the workshops is to find the answer for the question: how to love and demand?
The workshops are conducted on the basis of the programme „School for parents and for teachers”.

3. How to define limits to the child?
In bringing up everyday there are situations in which both parents and form teachers deal with children’s desire and whims, their good and burdensome or even unbearable behaviour.
Child’s life is like the road. If this road is signed well, the child will achieve the aim safely.

4. How to define limits to the child?
Rules provide the feeling of safety. If there are some limits we know what we can expect. Rules can also help in communication among people so as not to hurt each other.

5. How to define limits to the child?
Children need clearly defined limits in order to learn to choose between good and evil. 1. Talk about child’s behaviour and not about his/her attitude, feelings or values: „I’m talking. Rapping is disturbing me” 2. Be direct and concrete: „Come back for the supper at 7.30 p.m.” 3. Clearly define the consequences: „You can ride a bike on the pavement or at the yard”. 4. Support your words by acting: „There is no fun if you don’t go out with a dog”. 5. Speak firmly but don’t raise your voice. Don’t be rough.

6. How to help a child to deal with feelings?
All emotional states we can accept – some actions we should limit.
When we let ourselves for the existence of feelings we can take decision what we should do with them at this particular situation.

7. To help a child so as to deal with his/her own feelings:
LISTEN TO THE CHILD VERY CAREFULLY
a) Good listening requires eye-contact with the speaker. It means stopping your activities, putting down the newspaper or turning off the TV.

8. To help a child so as to deal with his/her own feelings:
b) Good listening never assumes the fact that we know what another person will say. One of the reasons of closure of the second person is attributing him/her something that he/she really didn’t mean.

9. To help a child so as to deal with his/her own feelings:
c) Good listening requires asking explanatory questions and repeating in other words this what we have understood:„I can hear that you are concerned about tomorrow meeting, am I right?

10. To help a child so as to deal with his/her own feelings:
d) Good listening involves lack of over-reaction and immediate action. It is better to finish the whole conversation, and later, after rethinking, take action with the consent of the child. An immediate, impulsive reaction causes that children are afraid of what might happen in the future, and this leads to strand break agreement.
Patience is crucial in building trust and openness between the parent and child.

11. To help a child so as to deal with his/her own feelings:
e) Good listening means accepting and not making fun of what the child says. The child cannot be understood by us, but making fun of him/her and criticizing - lowers the sense of its value and can effectively interrupt common understanding.

12. Active listening works if:
you have the desire and the time to listen;
you are really ready to accept your child's emotional states;
have confidence in the capabilities of the child.

13. Active listening does not work if:
you manipulate a child so you want to lead to such a situation that the child does what you mean
you don’t take into account his/her needs and opinion;
you "open the door" to just "close" them giving evaluation;
you try to listen when you have no time;
you use active listening when the child simply needs information

14. 2. ACCEPT HIS/HER FEELINGS (e.g. short, "ooh, " "mmm", „I understand”
The child like an adult needs just understanding when he/she experiences strong emotions. Then, he/she is not able to listen to anybody. The child does not accept advice, consolation or constructive criticism. Mostly, the child can help himself/herself if he/she receives empathic response.
One must learn the language of acceptance and empathy, because what people expect most is understanding!

15. Difficulties in accepting the child's feelings:
we cannot accept the child's feelings when we don’t accept our feelings;
it seems to us that the child’s behaviour is more important rather than what he/she experiences
we struggle with the child, so as not to make him/her feel what he/she really feels, instead of helping him/her to deal with emotions.
we really deny uncomfortable feelings of the child so as to get rid ourselves of them.

16. SPECIFY THESE FEELINGS
When we want to help our child to recognize and identify emotions, it is worth remembering that:
we shouldn’t interfe by force if the child doesn’t want to talk;
to get to the heart of a child, it is not enough to master technically the language of communication;
You cannot ask why the child feels what he/she feels.
Don’t respond to a greater commitment than the situation demands, you can not repeat the epithets on which the child is determined.
you have to consider the choice of words - when defining the feelings it is better to use the message: "It seems that ..." "It seems to me ..." "I feel ..."rather than "I know how you feel. "
you shouldn’t be afraid of the situation that when you specify the child's emotional state improperly or break contact with him/her – he/she will correct it by himself/herself (if you don’t state authoritatively that you know what he/she feels or what he/she should feel).
you can always return to the case when you respond incorrectly for the first time (deny feelings, ignore them.)

17. If the adult is determined to repeat the specific behaviour, the child will adopt it as an obligatory pattern. Through repeated observations of his/her reflection in the mirror, the child begins to build his/her own image about himself/herself. From these visible images ,day by day, month by month the ego forms at the same time. (T. Hellsten)

18. How to encourage your child to cooperate?
Describe what you see, or present a problem - "The floor in the kitchen is dirty."
give the shortest of information - "Dirt from the floor, sticks to slippers and carries around the house."
express it with a single word or gesture - the "floor."
describe what you feel, but don’t speak on the nature of the child - "I don’t like it when the dirt sticks to my slippers."
give your child a choice - "Do you prefer to wipe the floor with a wet wash cloth or mop?"
write a note - "I'm dirty and all in the glue. I would like water and cloth - The floor in the kitchen. "
Avoid not clear, imprecise formulation of expectations for the child, such as "getting ready to sleep." "Be a good boy" "Get a grip" "Stop" "Calm down”
properly formulated messages are important, we want to encourage our child to cooperate with us. Here are the key words:
I care ... I need ... I expect ...

19. The most common mistakes made by parents:
paying attention during the argument or anger,
chaotic, abusive and inappropriate restrictions
forgetting about the fact that at the time of experiencing strong feelings the child is not able to listen,
using the words that reinforce more the resistance than inclined to agreement

20. To be listened to by children or if you want them to speak to you, it is worth remembering a few rules:
Say what you feel because of the other person's behavior. Start from the statement about their feelings, such as "I'm bleeding ..."," It annoys me ... "
talk about the specific behaviour of another person, and not about what he/she is like "I'm bleeding when you don’t throw papers in the trash„ instead of "You're a muddler."
don’t judge and don’t give advice,
avoid generalizations like "always", "everyone", "all"
speak only about matters over which the speaker has an influence,
speak firmly, but gently, in the indicative and not imperative
never lose your patience - this is the last key that opens the door.

21. Should children be punished?
Children need clear, defined rules - what behaviour we accept and what we don’t like. This clarity creates a sense of security: "I love you and I disagree on what you're doing." "I love you and I don’t allow you for such behaviour" „I accept you, without any reservations, but I won’t accept inappropriate behaviour.".

22. Warn your child about the existence of rules (contracts)
In every family there should be rules that both sides will follow. Breaking the rules involves certain consequences. However, before you execute them:
Warn your child about the existence of rules (contracts)
be firm in its maintenance and enforcement,
remember the rule: minimum words, maximum actions.

23. What to avoid when setting the consequences?
looking for revenge,
punish yourselves,
rewarding inappropriate behaviour,
delivering threats and promises
shaming,
paying too much attention to the consequences.

24. The reasons of difficulties in respecting the rules given to children are:
child's fear of exposure to the consequences
inability to define your expectations clearly and the required rules of behaviour
frivolous treatment of a child by a parent posing requirements, or putting too high and too many of them.

25. PENALTIES HURT CONSEQUENCES BRING UP

26. Instead of punishment :
express your feelings without attacking the child's character - "I'm angry, when in the morning I cannot find my silver jewelery!"
define your expectations - "I expect I'll be informed about borrowing my jewelery."
point to the child, how he/she can fix his/her mistake - "The place of a jewelery is in the box."
give the choice to your child (by informing him/her about the consequences) - "You can wear your jewelery, or borrow mine and put it back into the place. Decide yourself. „
take action - Child: "Why can’t I find your jewelery?" Parent: "You tell me why."

27. Solve the problem 6 steps for solving problems and conflicts:
solve the conflict and call it,
• understand the child's feelings and needs,
• find possible solutions together
• critically assess proposed solutions,
• decide about the best solution,
• put into practice taken decision .

28. How to encourage your child to be independent?
let your child make a choice: "Do you prefer to go to the playground or ride a bike?"
give respect to the children's struggles: "To cook noodles, throw it in the boiling water.„
don’t ask too many questions: "Hello, darling. It’s good you are already here. "
don’t hurry with giving the answers: "I ​​was also wondering about it, and what is your opinion?"
encourage your child to take benefits from others' experiences: "Maybe the lady in the art shop will advise you on something"
don’t take hope away: "So you think you'll be a good pilot. It's great to see the ground from above. ".

29. Important notes about the preparation for independence:
to love a child is to help him/her to live independently,
parents’ obligation is to educate children in such a way that they are able to start their own life in the right moment. A growing up child is becoming more and more responsible.
raising a child means to help him/her become a master of himself/herself,
educate means not to addict,
as soon as the child was given life, parents should give him/her the right to live it in a natural way

30. Important notes about the preparation for independence:
Love can’t be timid. Parents often have a habit of keeping the child "sheltered„. It isn’t love but possessiveness and suspending normal development. Will such a limited child know how to cope with life if he/she hasn’t learned to overcome difficulties? The child won’t do this if everything has always been decided by others. Every time when we do something for the child, we take him/her some part of his/her life. True love must be strong, modest, requiring from ourselves and from others, self-sacrificing, and even sometimes with pain. Only such love makes our life human.
child’s independence can be developed or suppressed. It’s everything about parents - either we deal with twenty years old person who doesn’t know how to solve the simplest case or with a young man who can responsibly take decisions alone to deal with many problems.

31. How to release the child from the roles imposed on him?
use the opportunity to show your child that he/she isn’t who he/she is believed to be: "This week was probably very difficult for you. Despite having a lot of job and responsibilities you realized what you had planned. "
create an opportunity in which a child looks at himself differently: "Kate, I will be very busy today, so your task is to make an evening dinner for our family.. "
let the child to listen to when you talk about him/her positively: "Magda puts so much effort to learn to read fluently. Ask her, maybe she will read something to you."
demonstrate the behaviour which is worth emulating: "Now I'm so upset I could scream, but I don’t want to do it. When I calm down, I will come to your room and we talk. "
in special moments try to be a repository of knowledge for a child: Child: „My Arts teacher isn’t satisfied with my drawings. He was never impressed with any of them. "Parent:"I think you have put much effort into your art work since an early age. When you went to the kindergarten you did lots of drawings. They were well-prepared and showed your vivid imagination. If you want I can show them to you because most of them I still keep in remembrance. „
when the child is making a progress according to his/her old habits, express your feelings or expectations: "I'm not satisfied when you don’t come on time. I expect that you'll be on time. ".

32. How to praise children smartly?
Praise and encouragement:
help a child in shaping self-esteem,
add self-confidence,
help you to cope with problems
give a sense of security.

33. To praise without judging:
describe what you see (hear): "I see a vacuumed carpet, clean furniture and made ​​clothes."
describe what you feel: "It’s nice to enter such a clean room."
summarize the child's behaviour: „You lay back books and notebooks on one shelf, divide the CDs, videos and games. This is called the order”

34. Pitfalls and opportunities of good praise:
our children and we ourselves are accustomed to the ratings and "labels",
we should avoid such praise in which reminders of the earlier failure is hidden ,
the word "but" can ruin even the best praise,
it’s better to avoid the statements in which we give an expression of self-confidence more rather than when we praise a child
when we assess a teenager we should be careful because of the unpredictability of his emotional state