1. Revising Part 1 Expanding your paper!

2. Standard ELACC8W5: With some guidance and support from peers and adults, develop and strengthen writing as needed by planning, revising, editing, rewriting, or trying a new approach, focusing on how well purpose and audience have been addressed. (Editing for conventions should demonstrate command of

3. Revising means changing the writing To Make ideas perfectly clear – Add ideas and details – Take words out and ideas that don’t fit – Rearrange sentences and paragraphs – Change the wording of a sentence – Add/change/rearrange transitions – Make sure each sentence makes sense by, itself outside of the context of the paper

4. Before you do anything else… Did you: 1.Use 3 Vocabulary words? 2.Use a semi colon? THESE ARE WORTH 40 POINTS!

5. Adding more to your paper If body paragraphs feel too short (Fewer than 7 sentences), expand them through adding ideas!

6. Expanding ideas: Listing Check your paper for lists of ideas. Often, when you find a list in your paper, it is better to break up the list and explain each individual idea.

7. Example First of all, the cooking class will have a special curriculum. Students will need to learn how to measure, chop, mix, bake, fry, and grill.

8. Example First of all, the cooking class will have a special curriculum. Students will need to learn how to measure the ingredients before they do anything else. Learning to chop the food correctly is important because no one wants to lose a finger. Next, student will learn to mix ingredients without spilling. Finally, students will learn how to cook the ingredients by using a variety of methods such as baking, frying, and grilling.

9. Expanding: Who is “They” Make sure that “they” is clearly defined.

10. Example First they will need to learn about cooking safely. They will need to know how to chop food safely without cutting their fingers. They will need to be able to put things in the oven without burning themselves. They will need to learn to be careful around a stove. They will need to learn to clean up after working with eggs or meat so that germs do not spread and infect people.

11. Revised First the students will need to learn about cooking safely. For one thing, they will need to know how to chop food safely without cutting their fingers. Participants will also need to be able to put things in the oven without burning themselves, and they will need to learn to be careful around a stove. Finally, each aspiring chef will need to learn to clean up after working with eggs or meat so that germs do not spread and infect people.

12. Expanding: Better Descriptions Words to replace: Good Bad Nice Cool Great Instead of using these dull words, replace them with interesting adjectives or descriptions.

13. Example All students will learn how to read and follow a recipe during the class. That would be good because then they will have the skill to use later in life. They need to be able to cook for themselves eventually. It would be bad if students went out into the real world without being able to feed themselves.

14. Revised All students will learn how to read and follow a recipe during the class. This lesson is essential because then they will have the skill to use later in life. After all, students need to be able to cook for themselves eventually. It would be bad If students went out into the real world without being able to feed themselves, they would lead a sorry existence where they constantly needed to depend on others. This class will combat that issue.

15. Expanding: Adding a Detail Try adding in details to your paragraphs. If you make a statement, give an example. Back up ideas with detail sentences that further explain

16. Sample First of all, a class on horse back riding would need a non traditional classroom. The class could not be inside. It would need to have a big pasture. Also, it would need to include a stable.

17. Expanded Sample First of all, a class on horse back riding would need a non traditional classroom. The class could not be inside like most classes; it would have to be in its own outdoor space. It would need to have a big pasture. This way, all of the horses would have enough room to roam and plenty of delicious grass to eat. Also, it would need to include a stable. The stable would be essential because the horses would need a place to stay the night.

18. Expanding Ideas Sample First, the food they will cook. When they come into class, they should have lots of choices. They should have things like Chinese, Mexican, Italian, or Japanese food. They should have American food too. It would all be good. They could pick what they want!

19. Effective First, the students will learn to prepare all sorts of food in the cooking class. When participants come into class, they should have plenty of choices as to what to prepare. Some students might choose to learn how to make Chinese or Japanese dishes. Others may choose to focus on Mexican dishes such as tacos, quesadillas or burritos. Pasta dishes from Italy would make another fine option. American classics like hamburgers on the grill and French fries should not be overlooked either. Students could create whatever suits their tastes!

20. Revision Check List Make sure you used a semi colon Make sure you used 3 vocabulary words Make sure EVERY sentence makes sense Expand lists Clarify “They” and start sentences in interesting ways. Only use appropriate 2 nd person. Change out boring adjectives Add descriptions.