1. FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22a Communication in Everyday Life

2. WHY FAMILIES? PHYSICAL NEEDS AIR, FOOD, SEX SAFETY SAFETY SHELTER BELONGING INCLUSION, FUN SELF ESTEEM SELF-ACTUALIZATION TO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS

3. FAMILY: DEFINITION Family: “networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time; who are bound by ties of marriage, blood or commitment, legal or otherwise; who consider themselves as family; and who share future expectations of connected relationship” – –AR

4. FUNCTIONS OF THE FAMILY InternalInternal Provide careProvide care SocializationSocialization Intellectual developmentIntellectual development Emotional support and developmentEmotional support and development RecreationRecreation ExternalExternal Transmission of cultural values Adaptation to social change

5. STRUCTURES OF THE FAMILY POWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTUREPOWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTURE POWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTSPOWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTS CHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWERCHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWER CLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLECLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLE DECISION-MAKING STYLEDECISION-MAKING STYLE FORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISEFORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISE COLLABORATIONCOLLABORATION AD HOCAD HOC INTERACTION STRUCTUREINTERACTION STRUCTURE WHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHATWHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHAT

7. FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22b Communication in Everyday Life

8. FAMILIES AS “PEOPLE- MAKING FACTORIES” FAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPESFAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPES SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEMSELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENTCOGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY “RULES”PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY “RULES”

9. FAMILY COMMUNICATION RULES Regulative rules - guides to actionRegulative rules - guides to action Obligatory: explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit example settingObligatory: explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit example setting Appropriate: not force of obligation but deemed “good behavior”Appropriate: not force of obligation but deemed “good behavior” Constitutive rules - how certain communicative acts are to be countedConstitutive rules - how certain communicative acts are to be counted “Helping your brother means you care”“Helping your brother means you care” “Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”“Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”

10. HOW THE FAMILY COMMUNICATES ITS VIEWS OF CHILD: REVIEW Direct definitionDirect definition Labels (+ and -) and instructionLabels (+ and -) and instruction Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names)Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names) Identity scriptsIdentity scripts Who we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S ok/not ok life positionsWho we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S ok/not ok life positions Attachment stylesAttachment styles Secure, fearful, dismissive, anxiousSecure, fearful, dismissive, anxious

11. ATTACHMENTS STYLES BASED ON FIRST BOND WITH PARENT CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY LOVING AND ATTENTIVE CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY NEGATIVE, REJECTING, ABUSIVE CAREGIVER: UNINTERESTED, REJECTING CAREGIVER: INCONSISTENT - SOMETIMES LOVING THEN REJECTING

12. PARENT TALK THE MESSAGE THE MESSAGE (CONTENT) (CONTENT) VERSUS THE VERSUS THE METAMESSAGEMETAMESSAGE (RELATIONSHIP) (RELATIONSHIP) Video Example

13. PARENT TALK THE MESSAGE THE MESSAGE (CONTENT) (CONTENT) VERSUS THE VERSUS THE METAMESSAGEMETAMESSAGE (RELATIONSHIP) (RELATIONSHIP)

14. PARENTING STYLES Responsive Hi Lo Hi Demanding Authoritative Child Centered, Hi parental involvement, Active interest in child’s life, Rules and limits clear but flexible. Negotiated structure and control. Open communication, Acceptance, Trust. Know where, with whom children are. Permissive Child Centered, responsive, warm, accepting, and child-centered, but non- demanding. They lack parental control. Neglectful Neither responsive nor demanding. They do not support or encourage their child's self-regulation, and they often fail to monitor or supervise the child's behavior. Their style is adult-centered and uninvolved. Authoritarian Demanding, but not responsive. Show little trust toward their children, and their way of engagement is strictly adult- centered. Often fear losing control, and they discourage open communication.

16. FAMILY COMMUNICATION Lecture 22c Communication in Everyday Life

17. PARENTING GOALS: BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S CHARACTER (EQ)? TeachingTeaching AdvisingAdvising CoachingCoaching PlacatingPlacating LecturingLecturing Judging Derailing Mind Reading Moralizing Ineffective praising LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK: VARIABLE EFFECTIVNESS LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK: VARIABLE EFFECTIVNESS

18. PARENTING GOALS: BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S CHARACTER (EQ)? OrderingOrdering ThreateningThreatening PityingPitying ShamingShaming InterrogatingInterrogating DenyingDenying HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK : INEFFECTIVE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK : INEFFECTIVE

19. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. DESCRIPTIONDESCRIPTION Try to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possibleTry to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possible Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about how it “should be”Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about how it “should be” I-MESSAGESI-MESSAGES Start with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wantsStart with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wants ASKING QUESTIONSASKING QUESTIONS The 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defenseThe 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defense

20. ASKING QUESTIONS IN D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. DON’T JUDGE - SUPPORTDON’T JUDGE - SUPPORT ASK QUESTIONS (4W2H):ASK QUESTIONS (4W2H): WHAT -WHEREWHAT -WHERE WHEN - WHOWHEN - WHO HOW-HOW MUCHHOW-HOW MUCH MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT DIDYA?”MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT DIDYA?” CREATE SAFE PLACE FOR CHILD TO TALKCREATE SAFE PLACE FOR CHILD TO TALK CLIMATE OF TRUSTCLIMATE OF TRUST

21. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. LISTENING ACTIVELYLISTENING ACTIVELY Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story.Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story. Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding.Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.

22. OPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENTOPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT I-message to show you understand from their point of view.I-message to show you understand from their point of view. GENUINE SUPPORTGENUINE SUPPORT I-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go betterI-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go better LISTENING ACTIVELYLISTENING ACTIVELY Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story.Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story. Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding.Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked. AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

23. WHEN CHILDREN “ACT UP” Parent try various methods with no success. : – –time-outs, – –reward systems, – –Scolding - “stop being a baby” and – –spanking Why no success? Rather than addressing their children’s feelings, they are putting a “lid” on them They have failed to address the real fuel source of their behavior – their emotions M. S. Kurcinka, Parents, Kids and Power Struggles

24. TWO KINDS OF PARENTAL RESPONSES AUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTIONAUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTION SELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELF- MANAGEMENTSELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELF- MANAGEMENT TALK WITH CHILDTALK WITH CHILD HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW RULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONSHELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW RULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS THE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGETHE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGE AUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROLAUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROL EXTERNAL DISCIPLINEEXTERNAL DISCIPLINE POWER ASSERTION -ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.LPOWER ASSERTION -ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L LOVE WITHDRAWAL -PASSIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.LLOVE WITHDRAWAL -PASSIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L BOTH SHORT TERM FIXESBOTH SHORT TERM FIXES

25. EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACK FEEDBACK FOR INDUCTION Non-JudgmentalNon-Judgmental Point of view: child is good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult voice.Point of view: child is good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult voice. SpecificSpecific Focus on particular behaviour/situationFocus on particular behaviour/situation ImmediateImmediate Do it as close to occurrence as possibleDo it as close to occurrence as possible Ask QuestionsAsk Questions Get their views, understanding, feelings about what happenedGet their views, understanding, feelings about what happened

26. EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACK ConsistentConsistent Predictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promisesPredictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promises DiscloseDisclose Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings (“You –message”)Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings (“You –message”) CongruentCongruent Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to incongruency. Double-bind effect.Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to incongruency. Double-bind effect. Likely to create internal ethical standards - apply without parent thereLikely to create internal ethical standards - apply without parent there Basis for Development of Emotional IntelligenceBasis for Development of Emotional Intelligence