1. How to Handle Conflict How to Confront Conflict in a Caring Way By Dave Batty 4-11 1T206.02

2. Three aspects of handling conflict What is your attitude toward conflict?What is your attitude toward conflict? What does the Bible say about conflict?What does the Bible say about conflict? How do you respond to conflict?How do you respond to conflict? 4-11 2T206.02

3. #1 4-11 3T206.02

4. #2 4-11 4T206.02

5. #3 4-11 5T206.02

6. #4 4-11 6T206.02

7. Key truth We are most useful in confronting conflict when we are not so much trying to change another person as we are trying to help them see themselves more accurately. 4-11 7T206.02

8. What is your attitude toward conflict? 1.Conflict is not sin. 2.When someone causes conflict, they are not necessarily sinning. 4-11 8T206.02

9. 3.Conflict is Normal Neutral Natural So Accept it! 4-11 9T206.02

10. 4.Learn how to accept conflict as a tool of God, not a trick of the devil. 4-11 10T206.02

11. 5.Conflict can be creative tension. 4-11 11T206.02

12. 6.Conflict can lead all involved to a clearer understanding of the will of God and a more effective ministry. 4-11 12T206.02

13. 7.A biblical approach to resolving conflict requires all parties involved to actively work for solutions that are filled with hope for all. 4-11 13T206.02

14. A.Three common causes of conflict 1.A struggle to understand God’s direction for the ministry. Acts 10:9-11:18 Acts 15:1-35 4-11 14T206.02

15. “I tried to tell him not to change to order of the Sunday morning service.” 4-11 15T206.02

16. 2.Differences between persons. Acts 15:36-41 1 Corinthians 1:10-12, 1 Corinthians 3:4 – 4:6 3.Sinful motives 2 Samuel 11 Matthew 21:12-16 4-11 16T206.02

17. B.Healthy areas where conflict occurs 1.Over purposes and goals. Why are we here? What will we do? 2.Over programs and methods. How will we do it? Who will do it? When? 4-11 17T206.02

18. 3.Over values and traditions. Any organization over 5 years old has traditions 4-11 18T206.02

19. Typical ways people respond to conflict 4-11 19T206.02

20. Five Options for Dealing with Conflict 1. Competing: I win—you lose 4-11 20T206.02

21. 2. Avoiding: I want out 4-11 21T206.02

22. 3. Accomodating – I will give in for good relations 4-11 22T206.02

23. 4. Compromising – I will meet you half way 4-11 23T206.02

24. 5. Collaborating —I can care and confront 4-11 24T206.02

25. Five Options for Dealing with Conflict 1.Competing: I win—you lose 2.Avoiding: I want out, I’ll withdraw 3.Accommodating: I’ll give in for good relations 4.Compromising: I’ll meet you halfway 5.Collaborating: I can care and confront 4-11 25T206.02

26. ____1.How big of a problem has conflict been in your life? 1=small problem 10=big problem ____2.Growing up as a child & teen, how often was conflict a part of your life? 1=conflict was rare 10=lots of conflict ____3.How much pain did conflict cause in your life? 1=little pain 10=lots of pain ____4.How much damage did conflict cause in your life? 1=very little damage 10=lots of damage Your past experiences with conflict 4-11 26T206.02

27. Basic tools for handling Conflict A.“I” messages vs. “You” messages 4-11 27T206.02

28. B. Ways of confronting conflict without being judgmental 1.Focus your feedback on actions, not the actor. 2.Focus your feedback on observations, not your conclusions. 4-11 28T206.02

29. B. Ways of confronting conflict without being judgmental 3.Focus your feedback on descriptions, not judgments. 4.Focus your feedback on ideas, information, and alternatives, not on advice and answers. 4-11 29T206.02

30. B. Ways of confronting conflict without being judgmental 5.Focus your feedback on what and how, not why. What did you do? How did it affect others? 4-11 30T206.02

31. Key truth We are most useful in confronting conflict when we are not so much trying to change another person as we are trying to help them see themselves more accurately. 4-11 31T206.02

32. Biblical view on blessing and cursing 1.God’s promise to Abraham --Those who bless you, I will bless --Those who curse you, I will curse 2.Teachings of Jesus on blessing and cursing --Bless those who curse you 4-11 32T206.02

33. Second look at Your attitude toward conflict 1.Embrace conflict 2.My eyes are toward growth 3.The essential need for respect 4-11 33T206.02

34. Conflict Healthy person vs. dysfunctional person 1.You-healthy vs s/he-healthy 2.You-healthy vs s/he-unhealthy 3.You-unhealthy vs s/he-healthy 4.You-unhealthy vs s/he-unhealthy 4-11 34T206.02

35. UnhealthyHealthy UnhealthyHealthy 1.Focuses on whose 1. Focuses on how we fault is it. can solve things. 2.Blames others 2. Find acceptance and love in your weaknesses and failures. 3.You need to change! 3. Take ownership of your own failures. 4-11 35T206.02

36. UnhealthyHealthy UnhealthyHealthy 4.Makes excuses 4. Takes responsibility for the situation. 5.I see myself as good 5. Give up on being perfect & work hard to improve. 6.Denial 6. Honest—not taking more or less.Only taking the truth. 4-11 36T206.02

37. UnhealthyHealthy UnhealthyHealthy 7.I care about me 7. I care about you The bully and me. 4-11 37T206.02

38. The Myth of Hidden Harmony Deep down, we all agree. There is no conflict, only poor under- standing. If only we understand each other, we’ll agree. —real cause —misunderstanding? —real cause —real disagreement? 4-11 38T206.02

39. How to confront conflict in a productive manner 1.Are you ignoring the white elephant in your living room? 4-11 39T206.02

40. 2.You get what you tolerate If you do not confront conflict, and tolerate problems—that’s what you will get—more problems.If you do not confront conflict, and tolerate problems—that’s what you will get—more problems. 4-11 40T206.02

41. 3. You can confront well or you can confront poorly. If you fail to confront, you lose.If you fail to confront, you lose. If you confront poorly, you also lose.If you confront poorly, you also lose. 4-11 41T206.02

42. 4.Confront in such a way as to preserve the relationship with the other person. 5.Stay connected with the person—conflict resolution is a process. --solve the problem --solve the problem --focus on healthy living --focus on healthy living 6.Forgiveness 4-11 42T206.02

43. How big is the conflict? Are they mountains or pebbles? 1.Examples from the Bible A. God to Abraham—sacrifice your son B. God—stop crying, and get to work C. Paul’s trials 2 Corinthians 1:8-11 2 Corinthians 4:17-19 4-11 43T206.02

44. How big is the conflict? Are they mountains or pebbles? 2.Generational problems 3.Is the conflict issue painful, but not sinful? 4.Are others failing to see God’s call on your life? 4-11 44T206.02

45. 5. Abusive situations Are they mountains or pebbles? Many times the person abused was a child and failed to see the deep damage. The abuser is often manipulative --If you tell anyone, I will kill you, or your family --”You really wanted it!” 4-11 45T206.02

46. Principles of handling an abusive situation 1.God values your life 2.God has harsh words for abusers Matthew 18:6 3.Principle of the greater value 4.Principle of safe boundaries “Tough love” 5.Can you separate the truth from the lies? 4-11 46T206.02

47. 6. When the solution creates more conflict 4-11 47T206.02

48. 7. How to respond to “Bullies” 1.Rudy Giuliani’s book Leadership has chapter on bullies 2.Some bullies are sweet and charming, but they are still bullies. 3.Only interested in what they want. 4.Issue of fear in dealing with bullies 5.Issues of revenge & forgiveness 4-11 48T206.02

49. So who has your steering wheel? 4-11 49T206.02

50. Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management 1.Learn to recognize and address conflict in its earliest stage. 2.Keep everyone focused on the issue. 4-11 50T206.02

51. Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management 3.Provide the 3 “P”s of Conflict Management. A. Permission –to disagree without feeling guilty B. Potentency –enable each party to state their position with as much strength and clarity as possible. C. Protection –do not allow judging or needless hurting 4-11 51T206.02

52. Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management 4.Enable all parties to see a way out of the conflict by suggesting options to their present positions and goals --Build on what you agree 5.Work to turn every conflict into a problem solving situation. Involve everyone in this process. 4-11 52T206.02

53. What are the basics of negotiation? 1.Willingness to listen. 2.Willingness to take sides. 3.The courage to publicly place value on issues. --How important is each issue in this conflict? 4.Willingness to discuss various solutions before deciding which one(s) I will accept. “Negotiate in good faith.” 4-11 53T206.02

54. What are the basics of negotiation? 5.Willingness to establish policies or change present procedures. 6.Willingness to disagree. “It’s okay if we don’t agree.” 7.Willingness to establish and agree on common goals and priorities. 8.Willingness to be accountable. Willingness to accept the consequences of my behavior. 4-11 54T206.02

55. What are the basics of negotiation? 9.Willingness to work to save face for everyone involved. Some conflict situations involve people who have clearly been wrong in their behavior. To resolve this does not mean we negotiate a cover-up of their sins. 4-11 55T206.02

56. Preventing Conflict 1.Your immune system. 4-11 56T206.02

57. Preventing Conflict 2.We have to be strong enough to disappoint people. Have the courage to say “No” 3.Issue of delayed gratification. 4.No pain, no gain. 5.Pay the price to get to resolution. 4-11 57T206.02

58. Getting to the place of peace 1.God’s promise, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5 2.We can have inner peace even when there are storms in our lives. John 14:1-4 John 16:33 John 14:27 2 Timothy 1:7 4-11 58T206.02

59. Where do I need to start changing the way I respond to conflict? 4-11 59T206.02