1. Revising Business Messages

2. Introduction
The final phase of the 3-x-3 writing
revising,
proofreading, and
evaluating.
Revising means improving the content and sentence structure of your message.
Proofreading involves correcting its grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.
Evaluating is the process of analyzing whether your message achieved its purpose.

3. Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and Readability
Revise for Clarity (Keep it simple).
Keep it conversational.
Remove opening fillers.
Eliminate redundancies.
Reduce compound prepositions.
Purge empty words.
Kick the noun habit.
Dump trite “business” phrases.
Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Apply graphic highlighting.
Measure readability. 2

4. Revising for Clarity: Keep it simple.
A clear message is one that is immediately understood.
To achieve clarity (açıklık, berraklık, vuzuh);
Resist the urge to show off or be fancy.
Write is to express, not impress.
Keep it simple and conversational.

5. Keep it simple.
Why do some people fail to craft simple, direct messages?
Untrained executives and professionals worry that plain messages don't sound important.
Subordinates fear that plain talk won't impress the boss.
Unskilled writers create foggy messages because they haven’t learned how to communicate clearly.
Unethical writers intentionally obscure a message to hide the truth.

6. Keep it simple. Whatever the cause, you can eliminate the fog by;
KISS formula: Keep It Short and Simple!
using active-voice sentences
avoiding foggy, indirect, and pompous (görkemli) language.
Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time.
Improved: You may sign now.

7. Keep it simple. Foggy Clear
Employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the potentially adverse consequences involved regarding these chemicals.
Clear
Warn your employees about these chemicals.

8. Keep it simple. Foggy Clear
Employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the potentially adverse consequences involved regarding these chemicals.
Clear
Warn your employees about these chemicals.

9. Revising for Conversational Tone: Keep it conversational
To sound conversational, avoid;
legal terminology,
technical words, and
third-person constructions (the undersigned, the writer).
Business messages should sound warm and friendly.
This warmth is appropriate in all but the most formal business reports.

10. Revising for Conversational Tone: Keep it conversational
Formal: Our Accounting Department takes this opportunity to inform you that we have credited your account for the aforementioned sum.
Conversational: We have credited your account for $100.

11. Revising for Conciseness: Remove opening fillers.
Make certain that a message makes its point in the fewest possible words.
Messages without flabby phrases and redundancies are
easier to comprehend and
more emphatic
because main points stand out.
Efficient messages also save the reader valuable time.

12. Revising for Conciseness: Remove opening fillers.
Take time in the revision stage to “trim the fat.”
Before you can do that, you must learn to recognize it.
Locating and excising wordiness involves eliminating
(a) fillers,
(b) long lead-ins,
(c) redundancies,
(d) compound prepositions, and
(e) empty words.

13. Remove opening fillers.
Wordy: There are four new menu items we must promote.
Improved: We must promote four new menu items.
Wordy: It is the client who should make application for a license.
Improved: The client should apply for a license.

14. Deleting Long Lead-Ins
Wordy: I am sending this announcement to let you all know that the office will be closed Monday.
Concise: The office will be closed Monday.
Wordy: This is to inform you that you can redeem travel awards at our Web site.
Concise: You can redeem travel awards at our Web site.

15. Eliminating Redundancies
Expressions that repeat meaning or include unnecessary words are redundant.
To say unexpected surprise is like saying "surprise surprise" because unexpected carries the same meaning as surprise.
Excessive adjectives, adverbs, and phrases often create redundancies and wordiness.
Redundancies to Avoid
advance warning - exactly identical - perfectly clear
alter or change - few in number- personal opinion

16. Eliminating Redundancies
Redundancies to Avoid
advance warning
exactly identical
perfectly clear
alter or change
few in number
personal opinion

17. Eliminate redundancies.
Wordy Compound Preposition Shorter Form
as to whether or not whether
at a later date later
at this point in time now
at such time, at which time when
by means of, in accordance with by
despite the fact that although
due to the fact that, inasmuch as,
in view of the fact that because
for the amount of for
in advance of, prior to before
subsequent to after

18. Reduce compound prepositions.
at such time
at which time
due to the fact that
inasmuch as
Reduce to when.
Reduce to because.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

19. Purge empty words.
As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.
Not all students who are registered will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

20. Purge empty words.
As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll-free service line.
Not all students who are [registered] will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

21. Purge empty words. As for athletic shoes, profits sagged.
We have a toll-free service line.
Not all [registered] students will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

22. Revising for Vigor and Directness: Kick the noun habit.
Much business writing has been criticized as lifeless, cautious, and just plain boring.
This boredom results not so much from content as from wordiness and dull, trite expressions.
You can also reduce wordiness and improve vigor by
(a) kicking the noun habit and
(b) dumping trite business phrases.

23. Revising for Vigor and Directness: Kick the noun habit.
Some writers become addicted to nouns, needlessly transforming verbs into nouns
(we make a recommendation of instead of we recommend).
This bad habit
increases sentence length,
drains verb strength,
slows the reader,
and muddies the thought.

24. Revising for Vigor and Directness: Kick the noun habit.
Wordy Noun Phrase Verb
conduct a discussion of discuss
create a reduction in reduce
engage in the preparation of prepare
give consideration to consider
make an assumption of assume
make a discovery of discover
perform an analysis of analyze
reach a conclusion about conclude
take action on act

25. Revising for Vigor and Directness: Kick the noun habit.
Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.
Improved: We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.

26. Dump trite "business" phrases.
To sound "businesslike," many writers repeat the same stale expressions that other writers have used over the years.
Train yourself not to use these trite (basmakalıp, klişe, bayat) business expressions.
Trite :Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a job application.
Improved: As requested, we have enclosed a job application.

27. Dump trite "business" phrases.
Trite Phrase
Improved Version
as per your request
pursuant to your request
enclosed please find
every effort will be made
in accordance with your wishes
in receipt of
please do not hesitate to
thank you in advance
under separate cover
with reference to
as you request
at your request
enclosed is
we'll try
as you wish
have received
please
thank you
separately
about

28. Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Parallelism means matching
nouns with nouns,
verbs with verbs,
phrases with phrases, and so on.
Not parallel: We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.
Parallel: We can collect, store, and update information.

29. Using Numbered and Bulleted Lists for Quick Comprehension
Ideas formerly buried within sentences or paragraphs stand out when listed.
Readers use lists to read quickly and grasp main ideas.
By breaking up complex information into smaller chunks, lists improve
readability,
comprehension, and
retention.
They also force the writer to organize ideas and write efficiently. 13

30. Using Numbered and Bulleted Lists for Quick Comprehension
Use numbered lists for items that represent a sequence, chronology; otherwise bulleted lists
Numbered List
Our recruiters follow these steps in hiring applicants:
1. Examine the application.
2. Interview the applicant.
3. Check the applicant's references.
Bulleted List
To attract upscale customers, we feature
Quality fashions
Personalized service
A generous return policy 13

31. Apply graphic highlighting.
Headings and print options
CAPITAL LETTERS
underscores
boldface
italics
font sizes 13

32. Measure readability.
Formulas can measure how easy or difficult a message is to read.
Two well-known formulas are
Robert Gunning's Fog Index and
Flesch-Kincaid Index.
Both measure word and sentence length to determine readability.
The longer a sentence is, the more difficult it is to read. 8

33. Measure readability. Readability formulas cannot measure;
complexity of the content is,
topic’s appropriateness for the audience,
right level of vocabulary for the audience
attractive design of message
meaningfulness of text
Interest and prior reader knowledge are important in determining whether a document is readable and understandable. 8

34. Applying the Fog Index to Determine Readability
Select the passage.
Count the total words.
Count the sentences.
Find the average sentence length.
Count the number of long words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 2

35. Applying the Fog Index to Determine Readability
Find the percentage of long words.
Add the results.
Multiply.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 2

36. Select the passage.*
Choose a continuous passage of between 100 and 130 words.
*See “Sample Letter,” slides 7-27 to 7-29.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

37. Count the total words.
Count numbers, dates, and abbreviations separately.
(Our sample letter has 110 words.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

38. Count the sentences. Count all independent clauses separately.
For example, He applied and he was hired counts as two sentences.
(Our sample letter has seven sentences, marked with superscript numbers.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

39. Find the average sentence length.
Divide the total number of words by the number of sentences.
110 ¸ 7 = 16 words
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

40. Count the number of long words.
A word is long if it has three or more syllables.
Exclude:
Capitalized words
Compound words formed from short words (nevertheless)
Verbs made into three syllables by the addition of -ed or -es (located, finances)
(In our sample letter the long words are underlined.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

41. Find the percentage of long words.
Divide the number of long words by the number of total words.
10 ¸110 = .09 or 9 percent
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 21

42. Add the results.
Add the average sentence length (16) and the percentage of long words (9).
The result is 25.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 21

43. Multiply. Multiply by 0.4 25 x 0.4 = 10
(The reading level of our sample letter is 10.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 21

44. Sample Letter
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 24

45. 1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m.
Sample Letter
Dear Mrs. Lawrence:
1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m.
to discuss possible ways to finance the purchase of a new
home in San Diego. 2Before we meet, though, you might
like to consider two possible plans.
3The first plan finances your purchase with a swing loan,
which has a fixed interest rate for a short period of time.
4A second plan requires you to refinance your present
residence. 5We have located five programs from three
different institutions that would do this. 6Enclosed is a
summary of these five plans.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

46. 7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for
Sample Letter
7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for
you to own a home in San Diego.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

47. THE 3 x 3 WRITING PROCESS
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

48. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting Analyze Anticipate Adapt
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

49. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting 2. Writing Analyze Research
Anticipate
Adapt
2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

50. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting Analyze Anticipate Adapt 2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
3. Revising
Revise
Proofread
Evaluate
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

51. 1. Prewriting
Analyze: Define your purpose. Select the most appropriate form (channel). Visualize the audience.
Anticipate: Put yourself in the reader’s position and predict his or her reaction to this message.
Adapt: Consider ways to shape the message to benefit the reader, using his or her language.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 32

52. 2. Writing
Research: Collect data formally and informally. Generate ideas by brainstorming and clustering.
Organize: Group ideas into a list or an outline. Select the direct or indirect strategy.
Compose: Write first draft, preferably on a computer.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 33

53. 3. Revising
Revise: Revise for clarity, tone, conciseness, and vigor. Revise to improve readability.
Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance.
Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its purpose.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 34

54. What to Watch for When Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 35

55. Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Delete
Capitalize
Lowercase (don’t capitalize)
Transpose
Close up
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

56. Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Insert
Insert space
Insert punctuation
Insert period
Start paragraph
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

57. Unmarked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning september 1 the doors leading to the Westside of the building will have alarms. Because of the fact that these exits also function as fire exits they can not actually be locked consequently we are instaling alrams. Please utilize the east side exists to avoid setting off the ear piercing alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

58. Marked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning september 1 the doors leading to the Westside of the building will have alarms. Because of the fact that these exits also function as fire exits they can not actually be locked consequently we are instaling alrams. Please utilize the east side exists to avoid setting off the ear piercing alarms.
use l
doors
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

59. Revised Copy
Beginning September 1 the doors leading to the west side of the building will have alarms. Because these doors also function as fire exits, they cannot be locked; consequently, we are installing alarms. Please use the east side exits to avoid setting off the ear-piercing alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

60. How to Proofread Routine Documents
For computer messages, read on the screen in WYSIWYG mode (what you see is what you get) or, better yet, print a rough copy to read.
For handwritten or printed messages, read carefully and use proofreading marks to indicate changes.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 40

61. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Set it aside for a breather.
Allow adequate time for careful proofreading.
Be prepared to find errors.
Congratulate, not criticize, yourself each time you find an error!
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 41

62. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Read the message at least twice – for meaning and for grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed. Focus on individual words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 41

63. Evaluating the Outcome
How successful will this communication be?
Does the message say what you want it to say?
Will it achieve its purpose?
Did you encourage feedback so that you will know whether it succeeded?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 42

64. Wordy Memo–Poor Document for Analysis 7.1 “Before” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 43

65. Activity 7.1: “Before”
To: All Management This memo is addressed to all members to advise you that once a year we like to remind management of our policy in relation to the matter of business attire. In this policy there is a recommendation that all employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets requirements of safety. Employees who work in offices and who, as part of their jobs, meet the public and other outsiders should dress in a professional manner, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In areas of industrial applications, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in machinery that moves.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

66. Activity 7.1: “Before”
Where it is necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at the level of the floor. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: shoes that are open toe, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, spiked heels higher than 1 1/2 inches. Each and every manager has the responsibility for the determination of suitable business attire, and employees should be informed of what is required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

67. Wordy Memo–Improved Document for Analysis 7.1 “After” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 46

68. Activity 7.1: “After”
To: All Management Once a year we like to remind you of our policy regarding business attire. All employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets safety requirements. Office employees who meet the public should dress professionally, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In industrial areas, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in moving machinery.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

69. Activity 7.1: “After”
Where necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at floor level. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: open-toe shoes, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, and heels higher than 1 1/2 inches. Every manager is responsible for determining suitable business attire and for informing employees of what is required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

70. Copy With Proofreading Marks Document for Analysis 7.2
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 49

71. Document for Analysis 7.2
Dear Ms. Willis,
We appreciate you interest in employe leasing through U.S. Staff Network. Our programs and our service has proved to be powerful management tools for business owners, like you.
Our seventeen year history, Ms. Williams, provide the local service and national strength neccesary to offer the best employee leasing programs available, . we save business owners time, and money, employee hassles and employer liability. : r e ve = s ,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 50

72. Document for Analysis 7.2
Your employees' will receive health care benifits, retirement plan choices and a national credit union. As a small business owner you can eliminate personel administration. Which involves alot of goverment paperwork today.
Whether you have one or 1,000 employees and offer no benefits to a full-benefits package employee leasing will get you back to the basics of running your business more profitably. I will call you to arrange a time to meet, and talk about your specific needs.
Cordially, e , n # 1
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 50

73. Revision of Letter–Poor Activity 7.3 “Before” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 52

74. Activity 7.3: “Before”
Dear Mr. Sato: Pursuant to your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you herewith the attached materials and documents with regard to the improvement of security in your business. To insure the improvement of security of your after-hours security, you should initially make a decision with regard to exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are, in all probability, apprehensive not only about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your company records, information, and data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

75. Activity 7.3: “Before”
Inasmuch as we feel you will want to obtain protection for both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and foremost, we recommend that you install defensive lighting. A consultant for lighting, currently on our staff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my second point. Exhibit security signs, due to the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted signs on windows and doors. As my last and final recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are sensors that look down over the areas that are to receive protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring off intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

76. Activity 7.3: “Before”
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss the protection of your business. Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

77. Computing the Fog Index
Activity 7.3: “Before”
Computing the Fog Index
The “Before” version has a reading level of Here's how it was computed:
Total words in passage
Number of sentences
Number of long words
Average sentence length (208 ¸ 9 = 23) 23
Percentage of long words (41 ¸ 208 = .20) 20
Add the results
Multiply by (0.4 x 43 = 17.2) 17.2
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 56

78. Revision of Letter–Improved Activity 7.3 “After” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 52

79. Activity 7.3: “After”
Dear Mr. Sato: At your request, I am sending you the attached materials regarding improving security in your business. To improve your after-hours security, you should first decide what must be protected. You are probably concerned about your electronic equipment and about company data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

80. Activity 7.3: “After”
Because we feel you will want to protect both equipment and data, we can suggest a number of prudent steps to deter crime. First, install defensive lighting. Our lighting expert can design both outside and inside lighting. Second, post security signs. Amateur thieves are often deterred by signs on windows and doors. Finally, install space alarms. These sensors look down over the areas that are being protected. The sensors can activate bells or lights, thus scaring off intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

81. Activity 7.3: “After”
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss protecting your business. Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

82. Computing the Fog Index of the Improved Version
Activity 7.3: “After”
Computing the Fog Index of the Improved Version
Total words in passage
Number of sentences
Number of long words
Average sentence length (134 ¸ 12 = 11) 11
Percentage of long words (19 ¸ 134 = .14) 14
Add the results
Multiply by (0.4 x 25 = 17.2) 10
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 56

83. End
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e