1. Building Resilience for Stress Mastery
Building Resilience for Stress Mastery Roslyn Poole MA (Staff Counsellor) University Staff Counselling Service
Roslyn Poole
Give out stress dots
Who has experienced a little amount of stress this year? Moderate? A lot?

2. Aims and Objectives
Understand the difference between pressure and stress
Explore the connection between emotional health and resilience, and consider why we need resilience.
Assess our resilience traits.
Recognise the indicators of stress and identify sources of support.
Introduce the knowledge, behaviours and skills which can enhance our resilience.
Identify practical steps we can take to build resilience.
20 delegates. Build a personalised action plan

3. What is pressure? Positive reactions Negative reactions:
Research shows type of people respond well to pressure are those who look after their physical health by exercising regularly, eating healthily, varied hobbies, strong family support, high level of self-awareness

4. WHAT IS STRESS?
Risk vs Resilience

5. STRESS AND THE WAY WE THINK
Is it threatening?
Do we have the resources?
Is it threatening?First, we decide whether the situation is threatening – this could be a threat to our social standing, values, time, or reputation, as well as to our survival. This can then trigger the fight or flight response, and the alarm phase of GAS. Next, we judge whether we have the resources to meet the perceived threat. These resources can include time, knowledge, emotional capabilities, energy, strength, and much more. How stressed we feel then depends on how far out of control we feel, and how well we can meet the threat with the resources we have available. Stress is an inhibitor to performance.
People feeling stressed are thinking more about the cause of their feeling than about their work. When this happens at work, they under perform.
When we practise and repeat the composed route (use our skills), the new neural pathway becomes stronger, and the composed route and responses become more dominant and automatic.
SIGNS OF STRESS: Everyone reacts to stress differently. However, some common signs and symptoms of the fight or flight response include:
•Frequent headaches.
•Cold or sweaty hands and feet.
•Frequent heartburn, stomach pain, or nausea.
•Panic attacks.
•Excessive sleeping, or insomnia.
•Persistent difficulty concentrating.
•Obsessive or compulsive behaviours.
•Social withdrawal or isolation.
Everyone reacts to stress differently. However, some common signs and symptoms of the fight or flight response include:
•Obsessive or compulsive behaviors.
What are your stressors?
A lot of stress comes from overly-negative thinking- (EMOTION ORIENTED STRESS!). The way we perceive a situation. How do we change how we think about a situation?

6. LIFE BALANCE WHEEL DIET EXERCISE STRESS MASTERY RELATIONSHIPS FINANCES
WORK
PLAY
HEALTH CARE
ENVIRONMENT
LIFE PURPOSE
SELF ESTEEM
SPIRIT

7. Definition of Resilience
The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties: toughness
Resilience is an individual’s ability to generate biological, psychological and social factors to resist, adapt and strengthen itself, when faced with an environment of risk, generating individual, social and moral success” Oscar Chapital C (2011)

8. What is Resilience?
Resilience is the dynamic, ongoing process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences and linked to flexibility. Associated with survivor mentality (rather than victim mentality).
Resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary.
Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress.
Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviours, thoughts and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone. Ability to ‘bounce back’ from or overcome adversity.
Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People commonly demonstrate resilience, e.g communities rally together and the efforts of people rebuilding their lives. Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress. The ability to manage emotions (not suppress them).
Formally defined by researchers: “positive adaptation in the context of significant challenges, variously referring to the capacity for, processes of, our outcomes of successful life-course development during or following exposure to potentially life-altering experiences. (Masten, Cutuli, Herbers & Reed, 2009), i.e the ability to cope with stress.
Ability to cope with stress
Ability to manage emotions (not suppress them)
Mental toughness or ‘hardiness’-remaining resilient despite difficult circumstances
Ability to ‘bounce back’ from or overcome adversity
Related to the meaning (attitude) people attach to adverse events (perspective is important)
Recent research shifted focus from protective factors to protective processes
Resilience comprises a set of flexible, cognitive, behavioural and emotional responses to acute or chronic adversities which can be unusual or commonplace. These responses can be learned and are within the grasp of everyone; resilience is not a rare quality given to a chosen few. While many factors affect the development of resilience, the most important one is the attitude you adopt to deal with adversity. Therefore, attitude (meaning) is the heart of resilience (Neenan & Dryden, 2009)
A combination of factors contributes to resilience. Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person's resilience.
The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
A positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities.
Skills in communication and problem solving.
The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses. Resilience is the consequence of how we think and feel about an event. It involves formulating an attitude towards an event.
Life is about not knowing –taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Optimism-focusing on your strengths-attitude to life, focus on action ‘can do’ -> emotional awareness key to good communication -> control (of self) your response to circumstances/organisational ability -> social support network of friends or family-> sense of humour can laugh at life’s frustrations -> self-belief confident and have high self esteem-> abilikty to problem solve. Willing to adapt and be flexible.
Building emotional resilience: emotional self awareness, brain body connects, impacts behaviour, connections between heart and brain,, effects of stress on brain functioning, understanding your perceptions, belief systems, focus on success, not failure, being aware of others, understanding choice, dealing with conflict
Provide opportunities of meaningful participation, involvement and activity, increase bonding and connection, positive relationships and constructive support, set clear, consistent, assertive boundaries, create the framework for useful, goal oriented performance, coach, mentor, counsel and train, teach, nurture, and improve coping and life skills, develop and sustain external consideration, provide care and support, set and communicate high and realistic expectations: develop strong motivation, engagement and empowerment tools for positive emotions.
Stay calm under pressure, absorb high levels of adversity, bounce back from setbacks, recover quickly from problem, maintain job performance, manage work and home demands effectively.

9. PERSPECTIVE
How you think about stress matters. Not to get rid of stress but to make you better at it. This is my body helping me to rise to my stress. The body believes you and stress response becomes healthier.
Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
I have plenty of support from other people in life
I am able to accept myself for who I really am
I am confident in my ability to cope with adversity
I am good at communicating and interacting with others in times of stress
I am good at facing challenging problems in life and solving them systematically
I cope well with my emotions in the face of adversity out of 10

10. CHARACTERISTICS OF A RESILIENT INDIVIDUAL
Spiritual
Emotional
Intellectual
Physical
Social
Environmental
financial
Healthy self-esteem, self-worth, or self-acceptance, and awareness of personal strengths and resources.
Self-confidence, belief in your ability to perform competently in face of adversity.
Good problem solving ability, ability to make decisions and put plans into effect
Social skills, e.g assertiveness, empathy, communication skills
Good emotional self-regulation: ability to appropriately handle your thoughts, feelings and impulses to action
Enthusiasm for life and work
Capacity to see the future and “go for it”.
Capacity to cope with threatening events with experiencing disabling distress.
Attitude towards life and work that is positive, full of energy and determination.
Capacity to see the options, and to adapt effectively to meet and overcome challenges
Self determination – interaction-relationships-problem solving-organisation-self confidence-vision

11. STRATEGIES FOR BUILDING RESILIENCE
Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.
Developing resilience is a personal journey. People do not all react the same to traumatic and stressful life events. An approach to building resilience that works for one person might not work for another. People use varying strategies.
Some variation may reflect cultural differences. A person's culture might have an impact on how he or she communicates feelings and deals with adversity — for example, whether and how a person connects with significant others, including extended family members and community resources. With growing cultural diversity, the public has greater access to a number of different approaches to building resilience.
Some or many of the ways to build resilience in the following pages may be appropriate to consider in developing your personal strategy.
KEY ATTRIBUTES FOR SUCCESSFUL INTERACTIONS
Attentiveness
Trustworthiness
Wisdom
Assertiveness
Intelligence with humour
Passion
Direction with committed ambition
Address individual needs
Nurturing

12. PROTECTIVE PROCESSES IN RESILIENCE
Penn’s protective processes in resilience:
Self – awareness (the ability to pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, behaviours and physiological reactions
Sekf-regulation- the ability to change one’s thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physiology in the service of a desired outcome
Mental agility: the ability to look at situations from multiple perspectives and to think creatively and flexibly
Strengths of character; the ability to use one’s top strengths to engage authentically, overcome challenges, and create a life aligned with one’s values
Connection: the ability to build and maintain strong, trusting relationships
Optimism: the ability to notice and expect the positive, to focus on what you can control and to take purposeful action

13. THINKING STYLE
Your thinking style is what causes you to respond emotionally to events, so it’s your thinking style that determines your level of resilience-your ability to overcome, steer strength, and bounce back when adversity strikes (Reivich & Shatte, 2002). e.g
LFT-LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE “I can’t stand it!”- one of key attitudes that undermines resilience.
HFT is willingness to endure short term-pain and discomfort for long-term gain.
Close your eyes and imagine that you have an ‘effort to relax’ dial that goes from 0-10, and is currently set in the middle, at the number 5. Gradually turn your dial up to 6 or 7, and imagine what it would be like to feel a stronger desire to control your body and relax the muscles. Notice how your body reacts to this increased concern about relaxation. If you like, turn the dial all the way up to 10, one number at a time, and notice what you experience in response to extremely intense desire to relax actually makes you feel more tense, ironically, or creates other internal reactions.)
Now slowly turn your dial back down to 5, and notice what changes. If you like, slowly turn your dial, one number at a time, all the way down to 1 or even 0, and imagine letting go completely of any effort, or even desire, to relax. Notice how your body responds to this radical letting-go. An alternative is to focus on increasing and decreasing the desire specifically to relax your breathing. Experimenting in this way should help you learn from experience what it means to radically let go of any effort to control your feelings.
Think of ways you currently try to, tolerate, avoid, control, cope with or escape from unpleasant thoughts or feelings.
The more you try to suppress, control or avoid painful feelings in these ways the more you’re likely to experience their presence over the long term, because these strategies tend to backfire in many cases as well as absence of vitality and personal meaning that comes from them getting in the way of valued activities.
Ways you currently try to tolerate, avoid, control, cope with or escape from unpleasant thoughts or feelings.
• Drinking alcohol or using illegal or prescription drugs
• Comfort-eating to quell negative feelings
• Avoiding certain situations, people or activities
• Procrastinating or putting things off
• Escaping or trying to leave certain situations quickly
• Becoming withdrawn from life or sleeping too much
• Watching television, browsing the internet, etc. As forms of distraction
• Trying to suppress or block upsetting feelings
• Trying to argue with yourself or think positively
• Trying to force yourself to relax or using other therapy or self-help techniques excessively if they aren’t working for you in the long-term
• Venting anger, complaining, crying, apologising
• Performing ritualistic, repetitive or superstitious behaviours as a way of neutralising anxiety or warding off danger.
• Prolonged worrying, unproductive problem-solving or planning over-analysing things, or ruminating about the past, ie thinking-too-much as a way of avoiding your feelings
• Seeking reassurance or support excessively from other people
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. Think of ways you currently try to tolerate, avoid, control, cope with or escape from unpleasant thoughts or feelings.

14. CHANGING YOUR CRITICAL SELF-TALK
Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones
Shift from passive to active
Shift from negative feeling to positive feeling
Shift from past to future
Shift from future to past
Shift from victimisation to empowerment
Caring
Lifestyle choice: chasing meaning is better for health than avoiding discomfort.
Exercise 1: How would you treat a friend?
This exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone (like me) who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.
The first step towards changing the way to treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. It may be that – like many of us — your self-critical voice is so common for you that you don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you actually use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of any one in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreo’s, does your inner voice say something like “you’re so disgusting,” “you make me sick,” and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself.
Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”
Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy.) For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no one’s looking). Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your bio-chemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.
Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:
1.First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
2.Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
3.Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
4.Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
•This hurts.
•Ouch.
•This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
•Other people feel this way.
•I’m not alone.
•We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.
Say to yourself:
3. May I be kind to myself
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
•May I give myself the compassion that I need
•May I learn to accept myself as I am
•May I forgive myself
•May I be strong.
•May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

15. PASSIVE-ACTIVE LANGUAGE
CREATIVE HOPELESSNESS: Alternative. more psychologically flexible way of responding , through mindfulness and willing acceptance of unpleasant experiences in the service of sense of commitment to valued action. Willingness to completely let go of the whole unworkable agenda of avoidance and control. It requires letting go of certain efforts that have probably become deeply habitual. Context is everything – it influences our understanding of events and how we should react to them
Activating events take place within a context.
Our interpretation of the event and behaviour towards includes understanding the context for the event. Our interpretation is designed for us to gain some meaning from both the context and the event for us to form an attitude about the event.
Our consequential attitude is formulated from our thoughts and feelings about the event and its context.
The decision/outcome triggers whether we take action, take no action, or experienced enforced action by the event itself.

16. RESOURCES TO BUILD UP RESILIENCE
Resilience involves flexibility and balance
Path of least resistance: Robert Fritz. Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including: Letting yourself experience strong emotions, sometimes avoiding in order to continue functioning.
Stepping forward and taking action to deal with your problems and meet the demands of daily living, and also stepping back to rest and reenergize yourself.
Time with loved ones and self-care
Relying on others, and also relying on yourself..
Changing attitudes to strengthen resilience
Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realising when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning.
Spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement, and also nurturing yourself.
Relying on others, and also relying on yourself. Strengthening resilience requires us to modify our thinking about ourselves, events and others. This depends on our approach to reinforcing any changes we wish to make to our thinking.
Strengthening resilience - Changing attitudes
Strengthening resilience requires us to modify our thinking about ourselves, events and others. This depends on our approach to reinforcing any changes we wish to make to our thinking.
FLEXIBILITY IS A SKILL
FLEXIBILITY MEANS LETTING GO
FORGET ABOUT “BEING RIGHT”
WHEN NOT TO BE FLEXIBLE
For many of us, how flexible we are in a situation depends on what kind of mood we are in, how attached we are to a certain belief or idea, or what fears we may feel about letting go of that belief or idea. But how many times have you seen that being inflexible has led to even greater stress or created more conflict in your relationship? And how many times have you seen that being flexible can help bring more peace, comfort and love?
That’s why being flexible is a conscious decision, and it is a skill that you must practice repeatedly in your relationships if you want to see the benefits. Often, individuals choose the path of resistance and refusal to change, because they equate being flexible with settling or weakness. But it is actually the opposite. You can still remain steadfast in your values and beliefs, you are just choosing to be open to your partner’s feelings and wishes and willing to make significant changes for the betterment of your relationship. That’s powerful and proactive, and it’s something that your partner will undoubtedly respect and admire.
Our attachment to things, to ideas and to certain views can make us rigid and unrelenting. By letting go of these attachments, we are not denying our beliefs and values, we are simply giving up the mandate that we must control every aspect of them. This practice is known as “non-attachment.” Non-attachment doesn’t mean being cold and callous. It is not the same as being detached. Rather, it simply means you are not holding on, you are not grasping. When you become non-attached, expectations and emotions will no longer control your life. And you will have a new sense of clarity that allows you to see the truth that lies at the heart of the matter, which ultimately helps you be more flexible with your partner.
When we are right, we feel good about ourselves. We feel validated and we feel that we have sound judgment. Granted, those are all positive things. But what do we get out of being right when we are in a relationship?
The need to be right leads to the need to win an argument. And the need to win an argument means your partner has to lose. And if you really care about your partner, why would you want them to lose?
When you let go of your need to be right, you open yourself up to a generative and exciting environment where both you and your partner can learn and grow together. This also creates a safe space in the relationship where both you and your partner can trust the other to engage in compassionate listening and effective communication techniques.
Many of us have been conditioned to place emphasis on having the same interests and hobbies as our partner. But what we really should be focusing on is ensuring our partner shares our same values.
Values are those principles and ‘rules of life’ that you hold in your heart. They’re the personal beliefs that are a critical, fundamental part of who you are as a person. And they play a role in most aspects of your life — the choices you make, how you interpret scenarios, the reactions you have, who you choose to spend time with, the expectations you make. (Read more about how values drive your decisions.)
When someone respects and honors your values, you feel safe and secure. But when someone denies those values, it can make you feel uneasy, or perhaps even cause you suffering. And a lack of shared values with your partner will only lead to continuous arguments and ongoing frustrations that can ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship.
While any close relationship requires compromise, it is quite another thing when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. If you are on different pages, you will feel that you are sacrificing your core beliefs, and it won’t be long before the relationship becomes strained.
Resilience involves maintaining flexibility and balance in your life as you deal with stressful circumstances and traumatic events. This happens in several ways, including:
Letting yourself experience strong emotions, and also realizing when you may need to avoid experiencing them at times in order to continue functioning.
Relying on others, and also relying on yourself.

17. PAST PRESENT & FUTURE
Focusing on past experiences and sources of personal strength can help you learn about what strategies for building resilience might work for you. By exploring answers to the following questions about yourself and your reactions to challenging life events, you may discover how you can respond effectively to difficult situations in your life.
Consider the following:
What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?
How have those events typically affected me?
Have I found it helpful to think of important people in my life when I am distressed?
To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?
What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during difficult times?
Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?
Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?
What has helped make me feel more hopeful about the future?
PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE AND NOT BE ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOMES. SHOW FLEXIBILITY
MOVE AWAY FROM LEARNED HELPLESSNESSOptimists and pessimists react very differently to these turbulent times. Optimists are more likely to embrace the changes, see the opportunities the future holds, and focus on capitalizing on those opportunities…. Pessimists, on the other hand, will likely dwell on incidences of failure or poor performance and stunt their own growth opportunities as they continue to seek their lost structure and certainty in their work lives.

18. BUILDING AFFIRMATIVE SELF TALK
Make a list of 10 affirmations
I am strong
I have strength
I am determined and successful
I am a good and worthwhile person
I am a unique and special person
I have inner strength and resources
I am confident and competent
I hold my head up high
I look good because I am good
People like me – I am a likeable person and I like myself
Make a list of 10
I care about others, I am needed and worthwhile
I am a loving person
I have a lot to be proud of
I have all that I need
I am in control of my life
I can achieve anything I want to achieve
I make wise decisions based on what I know
I’m moving towards my goals
I accept myself as a unique and worthwhile person
My life has meaning and purpose
I am in control of my choices
I am strong and healthy
I am calm and confident
I have many options and can make wise decisions
Everything is getting better every day
I am calm and relaxed
I am healthy and have all that I need
Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will take notice of the many positive things this day has to offer
I live a healthy and positive lifestyle
I know I can master anything if I practice it continually
I have my wise mind – I can seek inner guidance whenever I need to
My life purpose can be whatever I choose it to be
All is well, right here, right now
IDENTIFYING WHAT WE REALLY WANT
Think about the ways that you use self-criticism as a motivator. Is there any personal trait that you criticize yourself for having (too overweight, too lazy, too impulsive, etc.) because you think being hard on yourself will help you change? If so, first try to get in touch with the emotional pain that your self-criticism causes, giving yourself compassion for the experience of feeling so judged.
Next, see if you can think of a kinder, more caring way to motivate yourself to make a change if needed. What language would a wise and nurturing friend, parent, teacher, or mentor use to gently point out how your behavior is unproductive, while simultaneously encouraging you to do something different. What is the most supportive message you can think of that’s in line with your underlying wish to be healthy and happy?
Every time you catch yourself being judgmental about your unwanted trait in the future, first notice the pain of your self-judgment and give yourself compassion. Then try to reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive. Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear

19. HEALTHY DETACHMENT
Healthy Detachment means being able to maintain perspective

20. REFRAMING Description
A frame, or frame of reference is a complex schema of unquestioned beliefs, values and so on that we use when inferring meaning. If any part of that frame is changed (hence 'reframing'), then the meaning that is inferred may change.
To reframe, step back from what is being said and done and consider the frame, or 'lens' through which this reality is being created. Understand the unspoken assumptions, including beliefs and schema that are being used.
Then consider alternative lenses, effectively saying 'Let's look at it another way.' Challenge the beliefs or other aspects of the frame. Stand in another frame and describe what you see. Change attributes of the frame to reverse meaning. Select and ignore aspects of words, actions and frame to emphasise and downplay various elements.
A problem as an opportunity
A weakness as a strength
An impossibility as a distant possibility
A distant possibility as a near possibility
Oppression ('against me') as neutral ('doesn't care about me')
Unkindness as lack of understanding

21. VISUALISATION TO FOCUS ON GOALS AND DESIRES
If you don’t know where you’re going you will probably end up somewhere else’, Laurence J Peter
It activates your creative subconscious which will start generating creative ideas to achieve your goal.
It programs your brain to more readily perceive and recognize the resources you will need to achieve your dreams.
It activates the law of attraction, thereby drawing into your life the people, resources, and circumstances you will need to achieve your goals.
It builds your internal motivation to take the necessary actions to achieve your dreams.
Visualization is really quite simple. You sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and imagine — in as vivid detail as you can — what you would be looking at if the dream you have were already realized. Imagine being inside of yourself, looking out through your eyes at the ideal result.
Visualize with the 'Mental Rehearsal' Technique
Athletes call this visualization process “mental rehearsal,” and they have been using it since the 1960s when we learned about it from the Russians.
ROSY GLOW EXPERIENCE
All you have to do is set aside a few minutes a day. The best times are when you first wake up, after meditation or prayer, and right before you go to bed. These are the times you are most relaxed.
Please reflect for a moment on all the things that give you a ‘rosy glow’. These are the feel-good things that when you reflect on them give you feelings of happiness, enjoyment, contentment, satisfaction and/or a sense of wellbeing.
What are they? They could be related to: people, places, pets, works of art, music, memories, activities, achievements, nature, spirituality,... whatever is meaningful to you and gives you a sense of wellbeing
Please write down all the things that come to mind...

22. 5 STEPS TO VISUALISATION
Choosing your goal
Making the picture clear
Focusing on the images of everyday life
Energising your goal
Appreciating whatever happens
The Basics
Powerful though your mind may be, you can’t just think your way from running a nine-minute mile to a five-minute one. “Imagery can’t make you perform beyond your capabilities, but it can help you reach your potential,” says Tom Seabourne, Ph.D., an athlete and imagery expert and the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Quick Total Body Workouts ($15, amazon.com). So imagery can be a handy tool the next time you have set your sights on a goal. Here’s how to put it into effect.
Use all your senses. Mental imagery is often referred to as visualization, but it’s not limited to the visual. “The most effective imagery involves all five senses,” says Michael Gervais, Ph.D., a performance psychologist in Los Angeles who has worked with numerous professional athletes and teams. What are you smelling, hearing, feeling? “You should be so immersed in a mental image that it seems as if it is actually happening,” he says.
Be the star, not the audience. To engage in your practice fully, “imagine performing the activity from your own perspective,” says Seabourne. Don’t watch yourself as if you’re viewing a movie.
Practice. “Effective mental imagery is not wishful thinking, nor is it brief moments of ‘seeing’ success,” says Gervais. Just as you can’t become a better speaker simply by reading a book on the subject, “the only way we get better at mental imagery is by practicing it,” says Tammy Miller, a speech coach in State College, Pennsylvania, and a speaker for Toastmasters International, a communication- and leadership-development nonprofit. The imagery should be so detailed that it takes almost as long to execute in your mind as it would take in real life. (Of course, if you’re getting ready for a marathon, you’ll probably want to work your way through just the tough spots.)
Write it down. If you really want to hone your efforts, put the story of how your feat will unfold in writing, says Kay Porter, Ph.D., a sports-psychology consultant and the author of The Mental Athlete ($20, amazon.com

23. BRAIN REHEARSAL. For best preparation
Identify the stressor and the emotion it raises in you
Best preparation to meet it.
Thorough rehearsal of words and action you will take to confront it.

24. Anchoring 4 STEPS:
To stack anchors elicit several instances of states and anchor them in the same place. The state chosen for a particular stacked anchor can be the same or different. (In collapse anchors, the states stacked should be different and in chaining anchors the states used for each stacked anchor should be the same).
A time when you felt totally powerful.
A time when you felt totally loved.
A time when you really felt you could have whatever you wanted, a time when you felt you couldn’t fail, when you could have it all.
A time when you felt really energetic, when you had a ton of energy.
A time when you fell down laughing.
A time when you felt totally confident.
Have the person recall a past vivid experience.
Provide a specific stimulus at the peak (see chart below)
Change the person’s state
Set off the anchor to test.
TheTo stack anchors elicit several instances of states and anchor them in the same place. The state chosen for a particular stacked anchor can be the same or different. (In collapse anchors, the states stacked should be different and in chaining anchors the states used for each stacked anchor should be the same).
A time when you felt totally powerful.
A time when you felt totally loved.
A time when you really felt you could have whatever you wanted, a time
when you felt you couldn’t fail, when you could have it all.
A time when you felt really energetic, when you had a ton of energy.
A time when you fell down laughing.
A time when you felt totally confident.
Five Keys to Anchoring:
Intensity of the Experience I
Timing of the Anchor T
Uniqueness of the Anchor U
Replication of the Stimulus R
Number of times N
APPLICATION OF AN ANCHOR:
State Elicitation Script
The best states to anchor are naturally occurring states. Next best are past, vivid, highly-associated states. Least preferable are constructed states.
Can you remember a time when you were totally ______X’d______?
Can you remember a specific time?
As you go back to that time now … go right back to that time, float down into your body and see what you saw, hear what you heard, and really feel the feelings of being totally _______X’d______.

25. The most important resilience resource is yourself. Make connections
Resources and Tools...
The most important resilience resource is yourself.
Make connections
Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems
Accept that change is a part of living
Assertiveness, self-empowermnet and conflict management training
Key learning areas:
• Recognise the simple steps to being assertive – whatever the circumstances
• Why you aren't yet as assertive and empowered as you want to be
• Apply the self-talk principles that can change everything
• Realise why you might be self-sabotaging – and how to stop it
• Learn to choose and use the words that can bring about amazing change
• Learn the value of rehearsing important conversations
• Learn to choose your battles
• Learn why it's good to sound your own trumpet
• Recognise the distinction between 'difficult' and 'different'
• Understand the intrinsic 4 D's of relationships
• Learn how to find a way forward – using a simple model
• Apply the appropriate tools for managing conflict
• Know whether you are an active or passive risk-taker
• Spot whether you are a Victim or Volunteer
• Learn about the 4 choices you have when dealing with difficult people
• Learn what you can do about resentments
• Find the huge difference that empowerment can make to you
• Avoid falling into the traps of 'guilt' and 'fear'
• Spot the passive-aggressive behaviour in others - and how to handle it
• Learn how to go from powerless to powerful
• Recognise how our past affects our present – and what to do about it
• Learn about the games people play – and how to avoid them
Good relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.
You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.
Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

26. Gratitude 100 reasons for the gift of my life just as it is right now
Gratitude means thankfulness, counting your blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present. In addition, behaviorral and psychological research has shown the surprising life improvements that can stem from the practice of gratitude. Giving thanks makes people happier and more resilient, it strengthens relationships, it improves health, and it reduces stress.
SORT FOR RED

27. Helpful Workbooks/Websites