1. Chapter 9 Friendship and Love

2. The Ingredients of Close Relationships
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Describe typical characteristics of close relationships.
Explain the paradox of close relationships.
All of the material in this chapter regarding relationships relates to the APA goal 1.2: Knowledge Base in Psychology.
In particular, the Subgoals 1.1 (Describe key concepts, principles, and overarching themes in psychology), and 1.2 (Develop a working knowledge of Psychology’s content domains), are most pertinent here.

3. Perspectives on Close Relationships
The Ingredients of close relationships
Close relationships – “are those that are important, interdependent, and long lasting."
They come in many forms, including:
Family relationships
Friendships
Work relationships
Romantic relationships
Marriage

4. Perspectives, continued
Close relationships arouse intense feelings that are both
Positive (passion, concern, caring) and
Negative (rage, jealousy, despair)
This is referred to as the paradox of close relationships.

5. Relationship Development
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Discuss the roles of proximity, familiarity, and physical attraction in initial attraction.
Understand the roles of reciprocal liking and similarity in getting acquainted.
Outline some commonly used relationship maintenance strategies, and explain what is meant by “minding” relationships.
Summarize interdependence theory and explain how rewards, costs, and investments influence relationship satisfaction and commitment.
The material in this section (slides 9-25) relates to APA Goal 7.4: Demonstrate effective interpersonal communication skills.
In particular, section F: Attend to nonverbal behavior and evaluate its meaning in the communications context, is relevant here.

6. Attraction and Development, continued
Initial encounters
Three factors underlie initial attraction between strangers:
Proximity – we are more likely to become involved with people we are geographically, or spatially, close to.
Familiarity – the mere exposure effect states that positive feelings toward a person are increased the more often we see them.

7. Attraction and Development, continued
Physical attractiveness
This factor plays a key role in face-to-face romantic relationships as well as friendships.
However, cross-cultural research suggests it is not the most important factor, for both males and females.
Kindness and intelligence were ranked higher for both genders.

8. Attraction and Development, continued
What makes someone attractive?
Facial features
For women: “baby-faced” features, (large eyes, small nose), combined with “mature” features (prominent cheekbones)
For men: a strong jaw and broad forehead
Physique
For women: average weight, an “hourglass” figure, and medium-sized breasts
For men: broad shoulders and a slim waist
Expressive traits (large smile, high set eyebrows) are seen as attractive because they suggest friendliness
Grooming qualities are also desirable, including cosmetic enhancements (see Figure 9.2)

9. Source: Retrieved from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (2011),
Figure Top five surgical cosmetic procedures in The number of cosmetic surgeries annually is on the rise. In 2008, over 9 million cosmetic procedures were performed.

10. Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued
Matching up on looks
The matching hypothesis – “proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward each other.”

11. According to the matching hypothesis, people tend to wind up with someone similar to themselves in attractiveness. However, other factors, such as personality, intelligence, and social status, also influence attraction.

12. Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued
Attractiveness and resource exchange
In contrast, the resource exchange is an evolution-based theory proposing that “in heterosexual dating, males ‘trade’ occupational status for physical attractiveness in females."

14. Attraction and development, continued
Resource Exchange theory, continued
David Buss (1988) believes mating patterns depend on what each sex has to invest in terms of survival.
For men, reproductive opportunities are the most important, so they show more interest in sexual activity and physical attractiveness.
Parental investment theory (see Figure 9.3) states women choose mates that will supply resources needed to support offspring for many years.

15. Figure 9. 3. Parental investment theory and mating preferences
Figure Parental investment theory and mating preferences. Parental investment theory suggests that basic differences between males and females in parental investment have great adaptive significance and lead to gender differences in mating propensities and preferences, as outlined here.

16. Attraction and Development, continued
Getting acquainted
Two factors affect viability of relationships:
Reciprocal liking – “refers to liking those who show that they like you”
Similarity – we are drawn to those with similar qualities
This is true in friendships and romantic relationships, regardless of sexual orientation.
Similar attitudes play a key role

17. Attraction and Development, continued
Established relationships
Maintenance of ongoing relationships
Relationship maintenance – involves “the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship” (see Figure 9.4).

18. Adapted from Canary & Stafford, 1994
Figure Relationship maintenance strategies. College students were asked to describe how they maintained three different personal relationships over a college term. Their responses were grouped into eleven categories. You can see that, ironically, some people behave negatively in an attempt to enhance relationships. Openness was the most commonly nominated strategy. (Adapted from Canary & Stafford, 1994)

19. Attraction and Development, continued
Established relationships, continued
The process of minding relationships is an active process that involves
Using good listening skills
Knowing your partner’s opinions
Making positive attributions about your partner’s behavior
Expressing feelings of trust and commitment
Recognizing your partner’s support and effort
Being optimistic about the future of the relationship

20. Attraction and Development, continued
Relationship satisfaction and commitment
What determines whether you will stay in the relationship or get out?
Interdependence or social exchange theory states that the decision is based on a “cost-benefit” analysis of the relationship’s outcome. If the rewards outweigh the costs, we stay.
Commitment is determined by two factors:
Relationship satisfaction is gauged by our comparison level – or “personal standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance of rewards and costs”
It is based on outcomes experienced in one’s own and others’ previous relationships

21. Attraction and Development, continued
Interdependence theory, continued
The investments, or “things that people contribute to a relationship that they can’t get back if the relationship ends."
Thus, putting investments into a relationship strengthens our commitment to it (see Figure 9.5).

22. Figure The key elements of social exchange theory and their effects on a relationship. According to social exchange theory, relationship outcome is determined by the rewards minus the costs of a relationship. Relationship satisfaction is based on the outcome matched against comparison level (expectations). Commitment to a relationship is determined by one’s satisfaction minus one’s comparison level for alternatives plus one’s investments in the relationship.
Source: Adapted from Brehm, S.S., & Kassin, S.M. (1993). Social psychology. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Copyright © 1993 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Adapted with permission.

23. Friendship
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Summarize the research on what makes a good friend.
Describe some key gender and sexual orientation differences in friendships.
Explain the friendship repair ritual as a way of dealing with conflict in friendships.

24. Friendship, continued
What makes a good friend?
Many factors are important, but a common theme is that good friends provide emotional and social support.
Gender and sexual orientation issues
Women’s friendships are more emotionally-based; men’s are more activity-based.
Women discuss relationships and feelings; men discuss work, sports, and other activities.

25. Friendship, continued
In other countries, men have more intimate relationships, but this is not true in America:
Men are socialized to be self-sufficient, which limits self-disclosure
Fear of homosexuality is a concern
Men see each other as competitors
Boundaries between friendship and love relationships are more complex in gay relationships.
Lesbians and gay men are more likely to maintain social contact with former sex partners.
There is also less support from families and society.

26. Friendship, continued
Conflict in friendships
The 3 steps of repair after conflict in friendship:
Reproach – the offended party confronts the offender and asks for an explanation.
Remedy - the offender takes responsibility and offers an apology.
Acknowledgement – the offended party accepts the apology and the friendship continues.

27. Romantic Love
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Clarify the research findings on the experience of love in gay and straight couples, and identify some gender differences regarding love.
Compare Sternberg’s triangular theory of love with the theory of adult attachment styles.
Discuss the course of romantic love over time, including what couples go through as they dissolve a relationship.
Explain why relationships fail and what couples can do to help relationships last.

28. Romantic Love, continued
Sexual orientation and love
Sexual orientation – “refers to a person’s preference for emotional and sexual relationships with individuals of the same gender, the other gender, or either gender."
Most studies of romantic love suffer from heterosexism, “or the assumption that all individuals and relationships are heterosexual."
Thus, less is known about homosexual relationships.
However, homosexual romance and relationships seem to be basically the same as those of heterosexuals.

29. Romantic Love, continued
Gender differences
Counter to stereotype, men are actually more romantic than women and fall in love more easily than do women.
Women are also more selective when choosing a partner, a tendency that supports the “parental investment theory” of attraction.

30. Romantic Love, continued
Theories of love
Sternberg’s triangular theory of love states that all loving relationships are comprised of some combination of three components:
Intimacy – warmth, closeness, and sharing
Passion – intense feelings (both positive and negative), including sexual desire
Commitment – “the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise”
Eight types of relationships can result from the presence, or absence, of each of the three components.
The ultimate type of love is consummate love, in which each of the three components is present (see Figure 9.7).

31. Source: From Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love
Source: From Sternberg, R.J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, Copyright © 1986 by the American Psychological Association. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Figure Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. According to Robert Sternberg (1986), love includes three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These components are portrayed here as points on a triangle. The possible combinations of these three components yield the seven types of relationships mapped out here. The absence of all three components is called nonlove, which is not shown in the diagram.

32. Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment
Hazen and Shaver (1987) draw a connection between attachment patterns early in life and three adult attachment types.
Secure adults (55% of participants)
Avoidant adults (25% of participants)
Anxious-ambivalent adults (20% of participants)

33. Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment, continued
Bartholomew and Horowitz’s (1991) model of adult attachment styles is based on two factors:
Attachment anxiety, or “how much a person worries that a partner will not be available when needed”, and
Attachment avoidant – “the degree to which a person distrusts a partner’s good will and their tendencies to maintain emotional and behavioral distance from a partner."
See Figure 9.9 for the four styles this yields.

34. (Adapted from Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998; Fraley & Shaver, 2000)
Figure Attachment styles and their underlying dimensions. Attachment styles are determined by where people fall along two continuous dimensions that range from low to high: attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety (about abandonment). This system yields four attachment styles, which are described here. (Adapted from Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998; Fraley & Shaver, 2000)

35. Romantic Love, continued
Correlates of attachment styles
Securely attached people have more committed, satisfying, interdependent, and well-adjusted relationships.
Securely attached people seek and provide support when under stress.
Securely attached people have better mental health.
Stability of attachment styles
Longitudinal studies show moderate stability over the first 19 years of life and later in adulthood.
However, attachment styles can be altered by life events (both in a positive and negative direction).

36. Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love
Sternberg’s theory predicts that the strength of each of the three components of love varies across time (see Figure 9.10).
Passion peaks early in a relationship and then decreases in intensity.
However, both intimacy and commitment increase as time progresses.

37. Figure 9. 10. The course of love over time
Figure The course of love over time. According to Sternberg (1986), the three components of love typically progress differently over time. He theorizes that passion peaks early in a relationship and then declines. In contrast, intimacy and commitment are thought to build gradually.

38. Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love, continued
Why relationships end:
Premature commitment
Ineffective communication and conflict management skills
Becoming bored with the relationship
Availability of a more attractive relationship
Low levels of satisfaction

39. Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love, continued
Helping relationships last:
Take plenty of time to get to know the other person before making a long-term commitment.
Emphasize the positive qualities in your partner and relationship.
Develop effective conflict management skills.
Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships.

40. The Internet and Relationships
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Clarify how differences between Internet and face-to-face interactions affect relationship development.
Describe the pros and cons of building intimacy online.
Discuss the role of the Internet in face-to-face interactions.

41. The Internet and Relationships, continued
Developing close relationships online.
Online venues offer an attractive communication platform for individuals who might not otherwise comfortably interact face-to-face.
Internet groups can offer support for stigmatized individuals.
Internet groups can provide support for shy individuals.
Among people using online dating sites, the majority (52%) report positive experiences.
Similarity of interests and values are more important.
Enhanced self-disclosure through s and instant messaging increases feelings of closeness.

42. The Internet and Relationships, continued
Building Online Intimacy.
Research suggests that virtual relationships can be just as intimate as face-to-face ones, or even closer (Bargh, McKenna, & Fitzsimons, 2002).
However, problems include:
People misrepresenting themselves online (e.g., regarding income, age, height or weight).
People post profiles that reflect their “ideal”, rather than their “actual” selves.

43. The Internet and Relationships, continued
Moving Beyond Online Relationships.
Research shows that virtual relationships are just as stable as traditional ones.
While online communication is linked with closeness with existing friendships.
However, it is negatively associated with best-friendships and excessive use can foster loneliness.

44. Application: Overcoming Loneliness
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Describe loneliness, and discuss its prevalence.
Explain how early experiences and current social trends contribute to loneliness.
Understand how shyness, poor social skills, and self-defeating attributions contribute to loneliness.
Summarize the suggestions for conquering loneliness.
All of the material in the “Overcoming Loneliness” section (slides 44-51) relates to APA Subgoal 1.3: Describe applications of psychology.

45. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The nature and prevalence of loneliness
Loneliness – “occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desired, or when these relationships are not as satisfying as desired."
Transient loneliness – temporary loneliness after experiencing a disruption in one’s social network.
Chronic loneliness – ongoing loneliness affecting those unable to establish relationships.

46. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The nature and prevalence of loneliness, continued
Loneliness is most prevalent among:
The young (especially homosexual teens)
Single, divorced, and widowed adults
The elderly
Individuals whose parents have divorced

47. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The roots of loneliness
Early experiences – inappropriate behavior (aggressiveness, aloofness, competitiveness, or overdependence) in children can lead to rejection by peers.
Social trends – busy schedules and time spent watching television and using computers in our homes decreases potential interaction with others.

48. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Correlates of loneliness
Shyness – “discomfort, inhibition, and excessive caution in interpersonal relations”
Shy people tend to:
Be timid in expressing themselves
Be overly self-conscious about how others are reacting to them
Embarrass easily
Experience physiological symptoms of anxiety

49. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Poor social skills
Lonely people tend to:
Evaluate others negatively
Show lower responsiveness to their conversational partners
Disclose less about themselves
Self-defeating attributional style – especially thinking negatively about social situations can cause people to behave in ways that confirm their negative expectations.
Lonely people also engage in more negative self-talk and foster ideas that perpetuate loneliness (see Figure 9.15).

50. Source: From a paper presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association, 9/2/79. An expanded version of this paper appears in G. Emery, S.D. Hollan, & R.C. Bedrosian (Eds.) (1981). New directions in cognitive therapy. New York: Guilford Press and in L.A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.) (1982). Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy. New York: Wiley. Copyright © 1982 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and Jeffrey Young.
Figure Patterns of thinking underlying loneliness. According to Young (1982), negative self-talk contributes to loneliness. Six clusters of irrational thoughts are illustrated here. Each cluster of cognitions leads to certain patterns of behavior (right) that promote loneliness.

51. Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Conquering loneliness
Chronic loneliness is associated with a variety of mental and physical health problems.
Fortunately, loneliness can be overcome by trying the following:
Use the Internet to alleviate anxiety created by face-to-face interactions.
Avoid the temptation to withdraw from social situations.
Break out of the habit of the self-defeating attributional style.
Cultivate your social skills.
Consider seeking help from a counselor.