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Chapter 9 Friendship and Love.

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Presentation on theme: "Chapter 9 Friendship and Love."— Presentation transcript:

1 Chapter 9 Friendship and Love

2 Perspectives on Close Relationships
The Ingredients of close relationships Close relationships – “are those that are important, interdependent, and long lasting”. They come in many forms, including Family relationships. Friendships. Work relationships. Romantic relationships. Marriage.

3 Perspectives, continued
Close relationships arouse intense feelings that are both Positive (passion, concern, caring) and Negative (rage, jealousy, despair). This is referred to as the paradox of close relationships.

4 Attraction and Development, continued
Initial encounters Three factors underlie initial attraction between strangers: Proximity – we are more likely to become involved with people we are geographically, or spatially, close to. Familiarity – the mere exposure effect states that positive feelings toward a person are increased the more often we see them.

5 Attraction and Development, continued
Initial encounters, continued Physical attractiveness This factor plays a key role in face-to-face romantic relationships as well as friendships. However, cross-cultural research suggests it is not the most important factor, for both males and females See Figure 9.1 for a summary.

6 Figure Rank order of traits chosen by men and women as one of their most important traits in a partner. In a 2005 international Internet survey of over 200,000 participants (including heterosexuals and homosexuals, men and women), Lippa (2007) found that intelligence, humor, honesty, kindness, and good looks were ranked (in that order) as the most important traits in a partner for all participants. However, when separated by gender, good looks ranked higher.

7 Attraction and Development, continued
Initial encounters, continued What makes someone attractive? Facial features For women: “baby-faced” features, (large eyes, small nose), combined with “mature” features (prominent cheekbones). For men: a strong jaw and broad forehead.

8 Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued Physique For women: average weight, an “hourglass” figure, and medium-sized breasts. For men: broad shoulders and a slim waist.

9 Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued Expressive traits (large smile, high set eyebrows) are seen as attractive because they suggest friendliness. Grooming qualities are also desirable, including cosmetic enhancements (see Figure 9.2).

10 Figure 9. 2. Top five surgical cosmetic procedures in 2008
Figure Top five surgical cosmetic procedures in The number of cosmetic surgeries annually is on the rise. In 2008, over 10.2 million cosmetic procedures were performed. Retrieved December 23, 2009 from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2008,

11 Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued Matching up on looks The matching hypothesis – “proposes that people of similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward each other.”

12 Attraction and Development, continued
What makes people attractive, continued Attractiveness and resource exchange In contrast, the resource exchange is an evolution-based theory proposing that “in heterosexual dating, males ‘trade’ occupational status for physical attractiveness in females”.

13 Attraction and development, continued
Resource Exchange theory, continued David Buss (1988) believes mating patterns depend on what each sex has to invest in terms of survival. For men, reproductive opportunities are the most important, so they show more interest in sexual activity and physical attractiveness. Parental investment theory (see Figure 9.3) states women choose mates that will supply resources needed to support offspring for many years.

14 [INSERT FIG 9.3] Figure Parental investment theory and mating preferences. Parental investment theory suggests that basic differences between males and females in parental investment have great adaptive significance and lead to gender differences in mating propensities and preferences, as outlined here.

15 Attraction and Development, continued
Getting acquainted Three factors affect viability of relationships: Reciprocal liking – “refers to liking those who show that they like you”. Similarity – we are drawn to those with similar qualities. This is true in friendships and romantic relationships, regardless of sexual orientation. Similar attitudes play a key role.

16 Attraction and Development, continued
Getting acquainted, continued Desirable personality characteristics For future spouses or life partners, personal qualities are more important than physical traits. Most desirable personality traits were warmth, good sense of humor, and social assertiveness.

17 Attraction and Development, continued
Established relationships Maintenance of ongoing relationships Relationship maintenance – involves “the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship” (see Figure 9.5).

18 Figure 9. 5. Relationship maintenance strategies
Figure Relationship maintenance strategies. College students were asked to describe how they maintained three different personal relationships over a college term. Their responses were grouped into 11 categories. You can see that, ironically, some people behave negatively in an attempt to enhance relationships. Openness was the most commonly nominated strategy. (Adapted from Canary & Stafford, 1994)

19 Attraction and Development, continued
Established relationships, continued The process of minding relationships is an active process that involves Using good listening skills. Knowing your partner’s opinions. Making positive attributions about your partner’s behavior.

20 Attraction and Development, continued
Established relationships, continued Expressing feelings of trust and commitment. Recognizing your partner’s support and effort. Being optimistic about the future of the relationship.

21 Attraction and Development, continued
Relationship satisfaction and commitment What determines whether you will stay in the relationship or get out? Interdependence or social exchange theory states that the decision is based on a “cost-benefit” analysis of the relationship’s outcome. If the rewards outweigh the costs, we stay.

22 Attraction and Development, continued
Interdependence theory, continued Relationship satisfaction is gauged by our comparison level – or “personal standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance of rewards and costs”. It is based on outcomes experienced in previous relationships and on outcomes seen in other people’s relationships.

23 Attraction and Development, continued
Interdependence theory, continued Relationship commitment is determined by two factors: The comparison level for alternatives, or “one’s estimation of the available outcomes from alternative relationships”. We tend to stay in unsatisfying relationships until a better one comes along.

24 Attraction and Development, continued
Interdependence theory, continued The investments, or “things that people contribute to a relationship that they can’t get back if the relationship ends”. Thus, putting investments into a relationship strengthens our commitment to it (see Figure 9.6).

25 Figure The key elements of social exchange theory and their effects on a relationship. According to social exchange theory, relationship outcome is determined by the rewards minus the costs of a relationship. Relationship satisfaction is based on the outcome matched against comparison level (expectations). Commitment to a relationship is determined by one’s satisfaction minus one’s comparison level for alternatives plus one’s investments in the relationship. Adapted from Brehm, S.S., & Kassin, S.M. (1993). Social psychology. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Copyright © 1993 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Adapted with permission.

26 Friendship, continued What makes a good friend? Many factors are important (see Figure 9.7), but a common theme is that good friends provide emotional and social support. Gender and sexual orientation issues Women’s friendships are more emotionally-based; men’s are more activity-based. Women discuss relationships and feelings; men discuss work, sports, and other activities.

27 Figure 9. 7. Vital behaviors in friendship
Figure Vital behaviors in friendship. A cross-cultural inquiry into the behaviors that are vital to friendship identified these six rules of friendship. (Adapted from Argyle & Henderson, 1984).

28 Friendship, continued Gender and sexual orientation issues, continued In other countries, men have more intimate relationships, but this is not true in America: Men are socialized to be self-sufficient, which limits self-disclosure. Fear of homosexuality is a concern. Men see each other as competitors.

29 Friendship, continued Gender and sexual orientation issues, continued Boundaries between friendship and love relationships are more complex in gay relationships. Lesbians and gay men are more likely to maintain social contact with former sex partners. There is also less support from families and society.

30 Friendship, continued Conflict in friendships The 3 steps of repair after conflict in friendship: Reproach – the offended party confronts the offender and asks for an explanation. Remedy - the offender takes responsibility and offers an apology. Acknowledgement – the offended party accepts the apology and the friendship continues.

31 Romantic Love, continued
Sexual orientation and love Sexual orientation – “refers to a person’s preference for emotional and sexual relationships with individuals of the same gender, the other gender, or either gender”. Most studies of romantic love suffer from heterosexism, “or the assumption that all individuals and relationships are heterosexual”.

32 Romantic Love, continued
Sexual orientation and love, continued Thus, less is known about homosexual relationships. However, homosexual romance and relationships seem to be basically the same as those of heterosexuals.

33 Romantic Love, continued
Gender differences Counter to stereotype, men are actually more romantic than women and fall in love more easily than do women. Women are also more selective when choosing a partner, a tendency that supports the “parental investment theory” of attraction.

34 Romantic Love, continued
Theories of love Sternberg’s triangular theory of love states that all loving relationships are comprised of some combination of three components: Intimacy – warmth, closeness, and sharing. Passion – intense feelings (both positive and negative), including sexual desire. Commitment – “the decision and intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arise”.

35 Romantic Love, continued
Sternberg’s triangular theory, continued Eight types of relationships can result from the presence, or absence, of each of the three components. The ultimate type of love is consummate love, in which each of the three components is present (see Figure 9.8).

36 Figure 9. 8. Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
Figure Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. According to Robert Sternberg (1986), love includes three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These components are portrayed here as points on a triangle. The possible combinations of these three components yield the seven types of relationships mapped out here. The absence of all three components is called nonlove, which is not shown in the diagram. From Sternberg, R.J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, Copyright © 1986 by the American Psychological Association. Reprinted by permission of the author.

37 Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment Hazen and Shaver (1987) draw a connection between attachment patterns early in life and three adult attachment types: (see Figure 9.9). Secure adults (55% of participants). Avoidant adults (25% of participants). Anxious-ambivalent adults (20% of participants).

38 Figure 9. 9. Infant attachment and romantic relationships
Figure Infant attachment and romantic relationships. According to Hazan and Shaver (1987), romantic relationships in adulthood are similar in form to attachment patterns in infancy, which are determined in part by parental caregiving styles. The theorized relations between parental styles, attachment patterns, and intimate relations are outlined here. Hazan and Shaver’s (1987) study sparked a flurry of follow-up research, which has largely supported the basic premises of their groundbreaking theory, although the links between infant experience and close relationships in adulthood appear to be somewhat more complex than those portrayed here. (Based on Hazan and Shaver, 1986, 1987; Shaffer, 1989)

39 Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment, continued Bartholomew and Horowitz’s (1991) model of adult attachment styles is based on two factors: Attachment anxiety, or “how much a person worries that a partner will not be available when needed”, and Attachment avoidant – “the degree to which a person distrusts a partner’s good will and their tendencies to maintain emotional and behavioral distance from a partner”. See Figure 9.10 for the four styles this yields.

40 Figure 9. 10. Attachment styles and their underlying dimensions
Figure Attachment styles and their underlying dimensions. Attachment styles are determined by where people fall along two continuous dimensions that range from low to high: attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety (about abandonment). This system yields four attachment styles, which are described here. (Adapted from Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998; Fraley & Shaver, 2000).

41 Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment, continued Correlates of attachment styles Securely attached people have more committed, satisfying, interdependent, and well-adjusted relationships. Securely attached people seek and provide support when under stress. Securely attached people have better mental health.

42 Romantic Love, continued
Romantic love as attachment, continued Stability of attachment styles Longitudinal studies show moderate stability over the first 19 years of life and later in adulthood. However, attachment styles can be altered by life events (both in a positive and negative direction).

43 Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love Sternberg’s theory predicts that the strength of each of the three components of love varies across time (see Figure 9.11). Passion peaks early in a relationship and then decreases in intensity. However, both intimacy and commitment increase as time progresses.

44 Figure 9. 11. The course of love over time
Figure The course of love over time. According to Sternberg (1986), the three components of love typically progress differently over time. He theorizes that passion peaks early in a relationship and then declines. In contrast, intimacy and commitment are thought to build gradually.

45 Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love, continued Why relationships end Premature commitment. Ineffective communication and conflict management skills. Becoming bored with the relationship. Availability of a more attractive relationship. Low levels of satisfaction.

46 Romantic Love, continued
The course of romantic of love, continued Helping relationships last Take plenty of time to get to know the other person before making a long-term commitment. Emphasize the positive qualities in your partner and relationship. Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships. Develop effective conflict management skills.

47 Perspectives on Close Relationships
LEARNING OBJECTIVES Contrast how people from individualistic cultures and collectivist cultures view love and marriage. Clarify how differences between Internet and face-to-face interactions affect relationship development.

48 Close Relationships, continued
Culture and close relationships Views of love and marriage are linked to a country’s values and economic health. In general: Individualistic cultures are more likely to marry for love. Collectivistic cultures are more likely to have arranged marriages. See Figure 9.13 for further information.

49 Figure 9. 13. Culture and views of love
Figure Culture and views of love. College students in 10 countries and Hong Kong responded to the following question: “If a man (woman) had all the other qualities you desired, would you marry this person if you were not in love with him (her)?” Generally, students in countries with higher standards of living and more individualistic values were significantly less likely to answer “yes” to the question than those in countries with lower standards of living and more collectivist values. Adapted from Levine, R., Sato, S., Hashimoto, T., & Verma, J. (1995). Love and marriage in eleven cultures. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 26(5), pp. 561, 564. Copyright © 1995 by Sage Publications, Inc. Adapted by permission of Sage Publications.

50 Close Relationships, continued
The Internet and relationships Although critics are concerned about Internet relationships, research suggests they are just as intimate as face-to-face ones. Romances that begin online seem to be just as stable over two years as traditional relationships! The Internet also helps us maintain existing long distance relationships with friends and family.

51 Internet Relationships

52 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The nature and prevalence of loneliness Loneliness – “occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desired, or when these relationships are not as satisfying as desired”. Emotional loneliness – absence of an intimate attachment figure. Social loneliness – lack of friendship network.

53 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The nature and prevalence of loneliness, continued Loneliness is most prevalent among The young (especially homosexual teens). Single, divorced, and widowed adults. The elderly. Individuals whose parents have divorced.

54 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
The roots of loneliness Early experiences – inappropriate behavior (aggressiveness, aloofness, competitiveness, or overdependence) in children can lead to rejection by peers. Social trends – busy schedules and time spent watching television and using computers in our homes decreases potential interaction with others.

55 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Correlates of loneliness Shyness – “discomfort, inhibition, and excessive caution in interpersonal relations”. Shy people tend to Be timid in expressing themselves. Be overly self-conscious about how others are reacting to them. Embarrass easily. Experience anxiety.

56 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Correlates of loneliness, continued Poor social skills Lonely people tend to Evaluate others negatively. Show lower responsiveness to their conversational partners. Disclose less about themselves.

57 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Correlates of loneliness, continued Self-defeating attributional style – especially thinking negatively about social situations can cause people to behave in ways that confirm their negative expectations. Lonely people also engage in more negative self-talk and foster ideas that perpetuate loneliness (see Figure 9.17).

58 Figure 9. 17. Patterns of thinking underlying loneliness
Figure Patterns of thinking underlying loneliness. According to Young (1982), negative self-talk contributes to loneliness. Six clusters of irrational thoughts are illustrated here. Each cluster of cognitions leads to certain patterns of behavior (right) that promote loneliness. From a paper presented at the annual convention of the American Psychological Association, 9/2/79. An expanded version of this paper appears in G. Emery, S.D. Hollan, & R.C. Bedrosian (Eds.) (1981). New directions in cognitive therapy. New York: Guilford Press and in L.A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.) (1982). Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy. New York: Wiley. Copyright © 1982 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and Jeffrey Young.

59 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Conquering loneliness Chronic loneliness is associated with a variety of mental and physical health problems. Fortunately, loneliness can be overcome by trying the following: Use the Internet to alleviate anxiety created by face-to-face interactions. Avoid the temptation to withdraw from social situations.

60 Application: Overcoming Loneliness, continued
Conquering loneliness, continued Break out of the habit of the self-defeating attributional style. Cultivate your social skills. Consider seeking help from a counselor.

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