1. Self Sabotage How to Stop Being Our Own Worst Enemy
Michael Uram, MA, LMFT, LPCC
May 15, :00 PM – 9:00 PM

2. Definition of Self Sabotage (In the context of task completion)
Having goals and expectations that are achievable with enough time, effort and planning, and then not accomplishing them due to doing other behaviors other than what you truly want and need to do, often without an understanding why, an overwhelming sense of guilt and as a result a sense of remorse, sadness and shame…

3. Tonight you will learn 5 interventions to prevent and treat Self Sabotage
Decrease inaccurate Negative Self Statements that lead to Procrastination and Self- Loathing by being Accurate
Planning more clearly to determine how to accomplish your goal.
Address avoidance behaviors and increase toleration of stress through Emotional Regulation
Learning from our mistakes rather than justifying or defending mistakes
Developing a Responsibility Pie to address personalization and blame

4. 1. Negative Self Statements
“You are only you own worst enemy if you label yourself as such”
We get stuck, give global negative labels to our behaviors, and then tell ourselves that we are not able to accomplish our own goals.
The first step is to be aware of the negative self talk/ labels/ beliefs.

5. Then identify if they are accurate
Double Standard Method
Intensity Scaling
Semantic Accuracy
Positive and Neutral Labeling
If Then statement analysis – Downward Arrow Technique

6. Shame and Self Loathing
After making an accurate assessment of who you are, shame sometimes kicks in. Often, it is driven by a perfectionistic tendency.
Be comfortable being average, making mistakes, impulsively saying something terrible, a closet that is overfilled with items of diminishing usefulness, and otherwise cringe worthy behavior.
Often, this feeling of shame is avoided due to the overwhelming feelings of disappointment, sadness and frustration.
Ask yourself if it is worth it to keep this feeling. Shame only holds us back, which then creates further situations that create additional feelings of shame because we haven’t learned from the first situation due to shame.

7. 2. Planning Skills “Slow Down to Go Faster”
First step is to ask the Miracle Question
Clearly describe the specific steps between now and the moment that the goal is accomplished.
Reject the fear, obligations, and guilt that a Crisis demands. Get Unstuck!
Assert Control over your tasks.

8. Planning Skills
Believe that with enough time, effort, delegation and flexibility, your goal has a high chance of being accomplished
Start with the smallest buy-in. Only work towards one goal, and accomplish no more than 1% of your goal per day.
This increases your chances of success and likelihood of sticking with the goal.
When stuck, use the survey method, identify the roadblock as changeable and not who you are, rather than permanent and character defining.
Let go of luck, it emphasizes an external locus of control, rather than an internal locus of control.

9. 3. Develop Emotional Self Regulation to decrease avoidance and stress
Emotional Reasoning is one of the strongest weapons that procrastination uses to stop us from accomplishing our goal.
When we feel tired when trying to work on something, tell yourself that your brain is tricking you. Get up, Walk around, sit down, do a one minute meditation exercise and then get back to work…for 10 minutes, then take a 3 minute break.
Identify each emotion as it is happening, you likely will notice quite a few emotions are occurring at any given time. With exploration, we can find the root of the emotion. Then accept it as a valid emotion and develop a plan
Be aware of your body, your muscles, your breathing, your eyes, your jaw, your cheeks, your feet, your legs, everything matters…
Then do progressive muscle relaxation, attention training and scheduling of worry. Revalue less important tasks so they can clear the way for productivity

10. The Cognitive Cycle
Behaviors
Feelings
Thoughts

11. 4. Decreasing Defensiveness and Justification
When you or someone suggests a possible cause or solution, notice if you are defensive about it.
We often feel shameful of our flaws and put a wall to self examination.
Allow yourself to sit with and tolerate the discomfort of tension, stress and frustration. They are negative emotions that can be decreased in intensity and duration.
We don’t need to be perfect. Others are not expecting us to be and if they are, their expectations are unreasonable. Have a healthy balance, you are in control of that, not them.
When a mistake occurs, uncomfortable accept the terrible feeling, sit with it, be sad, depressed, irritated and regretful…temporarily. Then forgive yourself, own it, learn from it and accept that you are not perfect and move on, blinder free

12. 5. Developing a Responsibility Pie
Own only what you are responsible for, not one percentage more or less.
Increase others awareness of how they are also involved in responsibility.
It is rarely 100% someone’s fault, there are also situations and time constraints to account for lack of success.
Attribution errors are common. Taking too much responsibility or taking too little are common mistakes.
Once the pie is drawn, develop a plan to change what you are responsible for and accept what you cannot control.

13. Responsibility Pie
Them
Situation Me

14. References David Burns – The Feeling Good handbook
Tim Urban – TED Talk and Waitbutwhy.com
Aaron Beck – Cognitive Therapy
Timothy Pychyl, Ph.D. – “Don’t Delay”
CHADD.ORG

15. For more information Marie Kondo - The Magic of Tidying Up
Charles Duhigg - The Power of Habit
Carol Dweck - Mindset
Peg Dawson and Richard Guare - Smart but Scattered
Sciencedaily.com
Russell Barkley - Executive Functioning
Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky - Mind Over Mood
Brene Brown – The Gift of Imperfection

16. About Me
Michael Uram, MA, LMFT, LPCC is a private practice therapist that specializes in ADHD, Asperger’s, Anxiety and Depression. He graduated from Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology in He has been licensed since He has two locations, Newport Beach, CA and Tustin, CA. He can be reached at or michaeluram.com