Week 1: Emotional boundaries Week 2: Financial boundaries Week 3: Physical boundaries Week 4: Time and energy boundaries

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load.

We are each responsible for our own conduct.

Carry each other’s burdens. Each one should carry their own load.

I AM RESPONSIBLE FORYOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR  My thoughts  My feelings  My actions  Your thoughts  Your feelings  Your actions

 …my thoughts? “________ and I believe that….”  …my feelings?  He makes me so angry.  She makes me feel so little.  You make me happy.  It’s your fault that I’m not happy.  …my actions?  I had no choice.  “It was Eve’s fault” (or whoever we can find to blame)

 …thoughts?  “You shouldn’t think that way.”  “That’s stupid.”  “That’s wrong, and here’s why” (needing to be right and prove it)  …feelings?  “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  “Big boys don’t cry.”  “Cheer up.”  “Don’t be sad. He’s in a better place.”  …actions?  “You need to dump that no-good girlfriend of yours.”  “I’m embarrassed when you do that.”  “Sure, I’ll pay your bills again!”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

A person who does not have healthy boundaries often flips back and forth between NO BOUNDARIES and WALLS.

BOUNDARYWALL Healthy boundaries have gates that we open or close to invite people in when they are welcome. We decide when and to whom to open the gate. Walls are appropriate only when the other person is attacking us physically, verbally, emotionally, or spiritually. A restraining order is a wall that is healthy in some situations. When we put up walls any other time, it harms us and others.

1. Do I say yes to other people when I really want to say no? If so, why? (Check all that apply.)  I don’t want them to be upset with me if I say no.  There is an unspoken rule in our family that we cannot say no to one another.  I get some of my sense of significance from being seen as the one who helps other people.  I would feel guilty—like I was being selfish—if I said no.  Other: _________________________________________

2. Do I say no to other people when there is no good reason to not say yes? If so, why? (Check all that apply.)  To show that I am in charge and that the other person needs to obey or respect me.  It’s easier to say no. I don’t want to take the time and energy to think about it.  If I’m irritated with others, I don’t feel like doing them any favors.  Other: ________________________________________________

3. Do I pretend to agree with other people when I don’t? 4. When someone disagrees with me, do I feel a need to persuade him or her to change his mind? 5. Do I keep my feelings in because of fear of how others might respond? 6. Do I express my feelings in unkind ways when I am angry?

7. Do I ever say, “You shouldn’t feel that way?” 8. Do I lend or give people money or buy them things, even when it means I am unable to fulfill the financial commitments I have already made? If so, why? 9. When people have made poor decisions that affect their finances, their jobs, their living situations, or their relationships, do I step in to protect them from the consequences of their bad decisions? Am I willing to “let them go over the edge of the cliff” if that is what needs to happen for them to learn to make better decisions?

10. Are there people whom I have asked to give me loving correction when they see me making harmful choices? When they offer me loving correction, do I listen to their feedback openly and non-defensively? Do I thank them for caring enough to share their concerns? Do I follow through on changing any behaviors or patterns that are unhealthy and making amends to those I have hurt? 11. Do I offer unsolicited advice, or do I ask for permission before offering advice? 12. Do I feel embarrassed by things my family members or friends do?

Non-AssertiveAggressiveAssertive Hides, avoids, afraid of the rejection and anger of others. Goal: To play it safe and be “liked” Afraid of being yelled at or others using physical force Rude, bossy and controlling of others Goal: To be right and prove it! Uses verbal and even physical force Wise, calm and collected, more observant than reactive Goal: to express self honestly and kindly Refrains from verbal or physical force

Non-AssertiveAggressiveAssertive Allows personal rights to be violated Keeps feelings in Often feels anxious, sad, isolated, and misunderstood Violates rights of others Free to express angry feelings unkindly Feels superior, easily gets angry, hiding the insecurity inside Balances personal rights with responsibilities of others Expresses feelings tactfully Feels secure, confident and loving

The first step in developing healthy boundaries is recognizing that we lack them in some areas. Many of us grew up in homes without healthy boundaries. Many of us learned to be turtles or tigers to cope with painful realities. Those defense mechanism helped us survive as children. However, when continue to live out of those defense mechanisms as adults, it sabotages our relationships and dishonors God. To have healthy, intimate, loving relationships live out the “one anothers” of the New Testament, we must replace chaos (no boundaries) and walls (too rigid boundaries) with healthy boundaries. Look for mature believers who most of time relate to others with love and kindness, who are not bossy or controlling, who accept feedback graciously, and who don’t try to rescue others from the consequences of their choices. Look to them as your mentors.

Carry each other’s burdens. Each one should carry their own load.