Chapter 4 Interpersonal communication skills Mohammad R. Rawashdeh

Interpersonal Elements: 1.How to build positive workplace relations 2.Define conflict types. 3.Recognize conflict styles. 4.Conflict Strategies.

Positive workplace relations People do not express themselves clearly because: Relate to message structure Sending the most appreciate message for the situation and relation.

Four specific qualities will improve workplace relations & are necessary for create positive communication climate in the workplace 1.Clarity (verbal and nonverbal): Unclear messages are due to: 1. Intentionally hide feeling & experiences for fear of rejection. 2. Inability to express our thoughts & feelings into words. Sometimes words say something, while voice tone & body posture say other thing confusing the receivers of our message. Positive workplace relations

2. Respect: Sending respectful messages that do not create defensive response. Communicate mutual respect. Show care of other. Respect is shared by listening with understanding to others & speaking in way that show a feeling of equality & caring. 3. Assertiveness: We often react in two ways when we feel that someone is violating our rights: 1. Passively; letting others “walk all” over them. 2. Aggressively; putting the other in the defensive. Positive workplace relations

4. Flexibility: Cope with circumstances in a constructive way. Rather than defining your faults, listen to words that correct and improve mistakes. Positive workplace relations

Some skills to solve conflict problems: Use specific and tentative language. Give direct, honest and appropriate messages. Criticism can be handled by analyzing, acknowledging, assertion or inquiry Positive workplace relations

 Despite our best efforts to build positive workplace relations, conflict is inevitable & is bound to occur in all work environments  Conflicts implies disagreement, discord, and friction among members of a group.  Interaction where words, emotions, and actions "strike together" to produce disruptive effects.  Poor performance of an employee is seldom the cause of conflict Conflict types

The five leading causes of conflicts are: 1.Misunderstanding-Miscommunication. 2.Disrespect or disregard of other people. 3.Conflict egos (self or personality) 4.Impatience. 5.Fear and insecurity over loss of control. Conflict types

There are main types of conflict: Interpersonal Conflict Intrapersonal Conflict Intergroup Conflict. Conflict types

Define interpersonal conflict types: 1.Pseudo conflicts 2.Fact conflicts 3.Ego conflicts 4.Value conflicts 5.Need conflicts Conflict types

Pseudo-Conflict (not real):- This type of conflict happens when people have misunderstandings with each other. Can result from two causes: 1.Faulty assumptions 2.False dilemmas Conflict types

1.Faulty assumptions: You and your partner agree to clean the office on Friday afternoon, at that time you see your partner leave the building, what's your reaction? 2. False dilemmas (see only two solutions of the problems): Your boss asked you to attend training course, while you have full schedule of duties, what to do? Conflict types

Fact Conflict:- Occur when individuals disagree about information that could be easily verified.  For example how many miles per gallon the hybrid cars are getting ? Conflict types

Ego Conflict:- Results when we argue over who has the “right” facts. For example: I think that I know more than my friends about basketball Conflict types

Value conflict: Focus on personal beliefs that you hold. You may value the right to organize workers & engage in collective bargaining. Or you may believe that employees should have the right to choose their own health care providers. Conflict types

Needs conflict: Occur when needs of one individual are at the odds with the needs of others. - When I need a tool to end my job and you do so. - When I need time to complete my report and you need my help Conflict types

Outline 1.Conflict styles 2.Conflict strategies 3.Relationship tools 4.Using skillful language

In general There is five styles people use in conflict situations: 1.Avoiders 2.Friendly helpers 3.Tough battlers 4.Compromisers 5.Problem solvers Recognize conflict styles

1.Avoiders: ( steer clear of conflict for a variety of reasons such as lack of time or energy, change the subject or simply agree ) -Some people simply hate difficult conversations and will do anything to avoid facing the issue. -They may lack the time, confidence, energy or skills to engage in conflict. -Leaving situation, changing the subject, disagree without discussion. Conflict styles

CONSTANT use of avoidance is not recommended Conflict styles

2.Friendly helpers: ( allow others to determine the outcome of a conflict ) –They “give in” to keep the peace. –This style is most appropriate when the conflict is not that important –In the other hand repeated accommodation may result in resentment and failure Conflict styles

3.Tough battlers: –They expect to get their needs met regardless of the costs, winning may provide a sense of accomplishments –There needs come first and sometimes with no regard for the needs of others. Conflict styles

3.Tough battlers: –They employ persuasion with emotional appeals, forceful deliveries and persistence to get their needs –They are impatience with others who do not see things their way Conflict styles

4.Compromisers: –They give up to reach the solution –They usually employ maneuvering, negotiating and trading in an attempt to find a solution. Conflict styles

5.Problem solvers: –They believe that both parties can and will get their needs met. –If we understand each other’s needs we will be able to find a way to meet both parties needs. –This style has the advantage of promoting collaboration, creativity & commitment. Conflict styles

5.Problem solvers: –They share information about what they need and listen to understand what the other needs –Trust and openness make searching for possible solutions a creative experience Conflict styles

5.Problem solvers: When individuals or a group set out to solve a problem, their chances for success increases if they follow problem-solving approach Conflict styles

Conflict styles may be used habitually or they may be a conscious choice Conflict styles

Regardless of the conflict style you select, there is some ground rules for conflict may enhance your success: 1. Agree upon a date and format to discuss the conflict 2.Rehearse what you will say and how you will respond 3.Confront the other (state the problem, describe, and identify) Conflict strategies

4.Provide feedback (paraphrase the previous speaker before commenting) 5.Make specific request of the other person that you will feel would resolve the conflict. 6.Allow the other to respond to your request, then listen & paraphrase his/her response. 7.Continue the process of listening, paraphrasing & asserting 8.Acknowledge closure of the discussion (when agreement is achieved) 9.Arrange a follow up to provide an opportunity to review the implementation of the solution. Conflict strategies

Basic rules for “fair fighting”: 1.Select the right time (not mealtimes, bedtimes,….) 2.Try to maintain control of anger and strong feeling 3.Limit your fighting to one issue & focus on it. 4.Take turns clearly expressing your concerns and listening to others response. Conflict strategies

Remember that conflicts have at least two important factors, the issue and the relationship Conflict strategies

Problem solving approach: (6-Steps process in seeking an elegant problem solutions & their messages; problem solving techniques) 1.Define the problem in term of needs, not solution. (your needs are important to me) 2.Brainstorm possible solutions (I value your creative thinking) 3.Select the best solution (group of solutions) that will met the both parties needs (I want you to have your needs satisfied) Interpersonal relationship tools

Problem solving approach: 4.Plan who will do what, where, and when. (you and I are willing to make joint decision & plans to get our needs meet) 5.Implement the plan. (we have the power to change our behavior in a way that can improve our relationship) 6.Evaluate the problem solving process & how will the solution worked. (we can get better at problem solving & we are flexible) Interpersonal relationship tools

There is two interpersonal basics skills: 1.Using Skillful language. 2.Using Assertion messages.

Skillful language is: 1.specific language 2.Tentative language 3.Informing language Using skillful language

1.Specific language: –One of the most frequent causes of misunderstanding is using general language. –No two people will ever process information from other one in the exact same way. –To avoid these breakdowns keep in mind the following suggestions: Using skillful language

specific language: 1.Do not assume that receivers should know what you mean 2.Avoid the use of absolutes( always, never) “you are always late”. Be specific: “you were 20 min late for work this morning” Using skillful language

3.When expressing needs, wants or thoughts, state your message in the most concrete or specific words possible (“I want you to help out this afternoon” or “I need you to answer the phone and take messages while I attend the 1:00 pm meeting”) versus saying: “ I want you to help out this afternoon”. 4.Encourage the receiver to paraphrase the message.” I am not sure I made myself clear”. Using skillful language

Example: -The grass in my backyard needs to be cut today -Never buy that brand of tool its really junk -Your workstation is a mess -There is a 30 percent chance of rain in the forecast today Using skillful language

2.tentative language: –Tentative language makes its clear to a receiver that your opinions are just opinions not facts and are, therefore subject to error. Using skillful language

2.tentative language: –Do not describe your opinion as if it always true or absolute. –Opens up the sender to other view points. –Absolute language reports a definite, unchanged point of view whether or not it is correct. –The use of ”I believe…,I think…, It seems to me…, I personally feel…, my belief is…” makes the language more tentative & open to change from both the sender & the receiver. Using skillful language

2.tentative language: –“you never listen to me when I talk to you” –“you don’t seem interested in listening or talking right now” –You will be less likely to view your opinions as facts Using skillful language

2.tentative language: –Ms Mendoza is the best teacher in the word –It appears to me that unemployment contributes to increased crime rates Using skillful language

Imagine that you work at company with strong union and you strongly believe in unions, your friend work in non-unionized company feel just the opposite and tells you: Using skillful language

-Companies if left a lone would take care of their workers, union always cost their members money and don’t really provide protection of their workers -I believe that some companies really care bout their workers, like where I work and that some unions don’t necessarily guarantee worker protection Using skillful language

3.informing language: –No one like to be ordered. –We use order statements when we must do something. –Sometimes orders are necessary (but dose not encourage feedback). Using skillful language

3.informing language: –Order statements command the receiver of the message to behave in a specific way, they remove any choice or decision making from the receiver. –Orders called “you” messages (direct, command or control an action) Using skillful language

3.informing language: –However, we can give information instead of orders, we give the same information without creating defensiveness. Using skillful language

3.informing language: –Informing statements opens the door for two- way communication, and encourages similar sharing from the receiver Using skillful language

3.informing language (example): –When you don’t close the walk-in cooler door, the compressor overheats. –You have to share the overtime with ronnie and kim. Using skillful language

1.Behavior description statements. 2.Constructive feeling messages. 3.Consequence statements. 4.Impression checks. 5.Request statements. Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: How we interrupt other peoples behavior influence our thoughts and feeling, if someone behavior violates our personal rights, prevent us from meeting our needs (respond with frustration irritation or annoyance) Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: –Expressing our feeling (physically and psychologically) is healthy. –will be useful if we let the receiver know what we reacting to? Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: –We can not change the others negative behaviors but we can increase the chance of a person changing his behavior if we describe the behavior in specific, factual, non- judgmental terms Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: –Saying “you’ve really been selfish lately” (receiver don’t know why you say that and his response will be defensiveness) Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: –Saying “you’ve borrowed my reference manuals twice this week without asking me if I needed to use them” (receiver will ask your permission nest time) Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: –Your have clearly identified the behavior –Also you avoid any evaluation of character, motives or intentions (which reduce defensiveness) Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: Behavior descriptions criteria: –They should report only behaviors that we can observe with our senses. –They should exclude any evaluation of the behavior or statements what may be the feeling or intention that promoted the behavior. –They should be specific and tentative rather than general & absolute ( avoid the words “never”, “always”, “constantly”). Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: Also its very appreciate to express POSITIVE behaviors Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: Behavior descriptions common problems: -Use general statements -Presenting inference about others attitudes, feeling,…. Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: -Judge the others using loaded words -Using absolute terms -Include more than one act in the description Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements: Example: -You never pay your fair share -You gave me a dirty look for telling an ethnic joke Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: -We can lessen misunderstanding, reduce stress, and avoid unnecessary conflicts if we learn to voice our feelings constructively. -Expressing our feeling dose mean sharing our deepest inner emotions with everyone at any time. Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: -More people fall into the category of under expressing rather than over expressing.(our goal to achieve balance between these two extremes). Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: When to express our feeling?? -In ongoing relations ( parents-child, husband- wife, friend-friend) -When we aim to help relationship not to harm it -When a conflict threaten the relation Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: When to express our feeling?? -When the expression of these feeling moves to a deeper level of sharing Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: However knowing when to express your feeling is not enough, its important to know how to express. There is two important elements (an “I” message and identification of the feeling you are experience) Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: Examples: –When you use my car and then do not refill the gas tank, I feel irritated –I'm so pleased with the 7 extra hours you’ve put in the blueprint Using Assertion messages

2.Constructive feeling messages: With repeated situation the constructive feeling message become part of our communication style Using Assertion messages

Common problems: –Place “that”, “it”, “you” for “I” –Place “think” for “feel” –Rather than share “feel” share “don’t feel” –Using future feeling statements Using Assertion messages

–Using “I feel like” or “I feel that” –Using “I’m sorry” or “I'm afraid” –Combining skillful feeling with unskillful messages Using Assertion messages

Examples: - I feel its time for us to take a break -I'm really grateful you loaned me your car while mine was being repaired ( direct feeling ) -I feel that going on second shift if you don’t have to is really stupid (seem as not real feeling) -I feel like I'm on top of the world (using figurative feeling, not clear) Using Assertion messages

When you begin to write and share your feeling messages, try to become comfortable saying, “I feel”, “I get”, “I am” Then try to use single word that names the feeling you are experiencing Using Assertion messages

1.Behavior description statements. 2.Constructive feeling messages. 3.Consequence statements. 4.Impression checks. 5.Request statements. Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: -our job performance, when reviewed, can be source of reward or punishment. -Our behavior in public places can win the respect of family and friends or it can get us arrested Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: -In general: consequence statements inform others of the effect of their behaviors is having on us. -consequence statements can be tangible or intangible. Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: Tangible statements: –expressing the effect of other behaviors on our time, money, work, possession, safety and effectiveness of the job. –Can be measured in terms of gain, saving or losses –They show the effect of others directly. Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: Tangible statements: -Because I have to pay money that I don’t have -Because I saved money and time when you repaired my computer Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: Intangible statements: -The feeling we enjoy or suffer from -Hearing that someone loves you -Can not be measured by clock or by your productivity Using Assertion messages

Hearing that your son wants a Mohawk hair cut

3.Consequence statement: Intangible statements: -Because I feel really happy. -Because I can not cope with things. Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: Both tangible or intangible effect can be positive or negative, they can save, enhance, add, or enrich, however they also can waste, diminish or destroy. Using Assertion messages

3.Consequence statement: Effective communication requires sharing of positive and negative, tangible and intangible. Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: Let’s suppose that someone has said or done something which you don’t completely understand. You have some idea of what the sender might be feeling, wanting, needing, or thinking, but you are not sure. Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: At this point you may ask him a question or you may pretend you know what’s going on. “Asking will clear things up” Impression checks have to be used with a curious, questioning tone that communicate your interest and concern. Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: In short: impression check are responses to someone’s verbal or nonverbal communication which share an impression of that person’s message in open minded, non evaluation way and which invite a response from the person Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: Clear impression check should do: - State your impression of another person ( their wants, needs, feeling or going to do ). -Present your impression in open mind way (“I may be wrong”, “It seems that” or “it look as” ) Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: Clear impression check should do: -Express your impression in non-evaluating way ( this include your tone ) -Invite a response using short question or rising inflection Using Assertion messages

4.Impression check: - by your frown, I get the idea that Wednesday will not be a good day for us to meet, right? -You’re late again, what the hell’s the matter with you? Using Assertion messages

5.Request statements: Request are polite statement that directly and specifically ask someone to modify his behavior in a way that gets your needs met and that maintains the quality of the relationship Using Assertion messages

5.Request statements: - May seek permission of others for actions “I would like to have off on Saturday 18th” - May ask for help “can you help me understand this diagram?” - May ask for cooperation Using Assertion messages

5.Request statements: Parts of request: 1.Should be direct 2.Must be specific 3.Allow freedom of response 4.Should be polite and courteous “ use please ” Using Assertion messages

5.Request statements: -Please hand me that 7/16- inch socket( specific, direct and polite ) -Thanks to your late arrival, we could not start our course on time -Would you kindly return the insurance enrollment forms by Friday this week? Using Assertion messages

End of chapter 4 Any question? End of chapter 4 Any question?