Rent-a-Family

(Frank seated and Melody pacing) Melody: Frank, do you really think we should do this? I mean, how are we going to tell your family? Frank: Look this is going to be the first perfect Christmas… Melody: Still to rent absolute strangers to replace your family members during the Christmas season; well, it just sounds a little extreme to me….

Frank: Sounds brilliant! Melody: Believe me, I would love to spend Christmas with the ideal family. I just don’t know if I like the idea of, well, of having to rent them! (Frank stands) Frank: Now honey, do you want this Christmas to be perfect or not? Melody: Of course Frank, you know that I do.

Frank: Yeah, well it’s not going to be perfect if my family is involved. (Ms. Ivy comes to door, doorbell rings) Melody: Oh she is here! (Frank pushes Melody towards the door) Frank: Oh, Melody, look, the answer to our years of Christmas chaos lie right behind that door. (Melody opens the door) Melody: Come in!

Ms. Ivy: Season’s Greetings! I’m Ms. Ivy with the Holiday Rent-a-Family Center. Frank: Hi! Merry Christmas! Melody: Merry Christmas (nervously) Ms. Ivy: Thank you. As you know, we rent picture-perfect families for the best price in town. Frank: Have a seat. (All take seat)

Ms. Ivy: Thankyou. Is this your first experience using Friendly Family Fill- Ins? Melody: Well, actually Ms. Ivy, yes, yes it is. And to be quite honest, we’re not absolutely certain that we want to rent Family Fill-Ins this year. In fact, I was just telling my husband, Frank, that…. Frank: (interrupting) That it’s about time we had a stress-free Christmas! Ms. Ivy: Yes, yes, of course. Now we should begin with as few simple questions?

Frank: Fire away! Melody: (in a resigned voice) Oh, all right. Ms. Ivy: Now how many family members are you wanting to replace this year? Melody: Well….. Frank: (interrupting) All of them! Melody: (shocked, pokes Frank in ribs) Frank! Frank: What!

Ms. Ivy: Ok, great! Now I am assuming you’ll be needing a father, a mother, any siblings? Melody: (in a more excited voice) Oh well, what about your brothers Frank? Frank: (stands and paces) Oh yeah, OK, definitely. Let’s start with four brothers, um, let’s see, three sisters-in-law, two bratty nephews, a spoiled niece, and a partridge in a pear tree. I don’t care, let’s just replace them all!

(everyone laughs, Ms. Ivy stands and paces giving sales pitch) Ms. Ivy: Ok, great! We have a wonderful club plan that will work splendidly for you. It entitles you to a joyous season of family gatherings. And, of course on Christmas Day, your Friendly Family Fill-Ins will sit down and dine with you. Also included in this package is a warm family portrait in front of your very own simulated fireplace, decorated with holiday greenery.

Frank: (standing) Hot dog! Where do I sign? Ms. Ivy: (squeals with delight) Well, what services are you interested in? Frank: Give me the whole shebang! Melody: (rises and pulls Frank aside) Excuse me… Frank don’t you think that maybe we should, you know, just rent one family member for this year…. Frank: (in a whining voice) Oh…. Melody: … and then see how it goes, see how we like it?

Frank: Melody, don’t be a humbug. OK, if we’re going to do this, let’s do it right. It’s what we’ve always dreamed of! Ms. Ivy: (squeals with delight) Well, in that case, I will need you to sign this simple little contract. Frank: I’ll be glad to give you my John Hancock. (signs contract passes to Melody) Melody, you sign. Melody: Oh, Frank, only if you’re absolutely positive that you want to do this… Frank: I’m as sure as sure can be.

Melody: Alright then, I’ll sign it. (signs contract) There you go! Ms. Ivy: Thankyou. Now your Friendly Family Fill-Ins will be prepared to move in tomorrow at 08:00 sharp! Melody: Excuse Me, Ms. Ivy, uh, you just said something about the family members being ready to move in? Ms. Ivy: It was in the contract the both of you just signed. Frank and Melody: (both rising) What?!

Frank: (sinking into chair) Ok now, slow down. What are we talking about? Ms. Ivy: (comes over and sits next to Frank) Oh Frank, Frank, Frank. You signed a year-long seasonal contract. It entitles your Friendly Family Fill-Ins to move in with you for an entire year… (Frank grabs contract and frantically pages through it) Ms. Ivy: So…. You can experience ALL the holidays…. together.

Melody: Frank, this is awful! This is terrible! Ms. Ivy, we only want to rent them for one day…. Christmas Day…. That’s all! Ms. Ivy: (rises and walks around) It gives me pure joy just thinking about it: Christmas Day, New Year’s, Easter, Fourth of July… Any more question?

Melody: Yes, I have just one, Ms. Ivy. Is there any way that we can write and addendum to this contract (grabs contract from Frank) Melody: and you can add in that we would like to rent one more family member to replace my husband Frank?! (Frank rises, startled, then he and Ms. Ivy both quickly sit embarressed) THE END