What do I say? What do I do?: A conversation about violence against women during Domestic Violence Awareness Month St. Cecilia’s Domestic Violence Education and Action (DVEA) Group

St. C’s DVEA Group The St. Cecilia’s Domestic Violence Education and Action Group was formed last spring to address the issues of domestic violence and abuse within our society and to educate and promote action within our community.

Ground Rules Listen actively. Speak from your own experience instead of generalizing. Challenge the idea not the person. Participate fully. Value honesty and openness. Be conscious of body language and nonverbal responses. Other:_______________________

Objectives for Today Gain a better understanding of sexual assault, relationship violence and stalking Create a safe and respectful environment to discuss these issues Discuss possible ways to help a survivor and the importance of intervening as a bystander Learn some community resources

Sexual Assault 1 in 6 women have experienced an attempted or completed rape 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape 1 in 4 college women are sexually assaulted in their college years Approximately 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police

Defining the Issue Sexual Assault: any sexual contact or activity which occurs without effective consent Consent: is an informed decision freely and actively given through explicit communication which indicates a willingness to participate in a mutually agreed upon sexual activity.

Relationship/Domestic Violence About 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime Women between the ages of are at the greatest risk 85% of survivors of relationship violence are women 75% of perpetrators of relationship violence are men

Defining the Issue Relationship Violence: a pattern of manipulative behavior aimed to gain power and control over an intimate or romantic partner Types of Abuse: – physical abuse – emotional/verbal abuse – resource/financial abuse – spiritual abuse – sexual abuse

Relationship/Domestic Violence cont. Important things to know: – Violence and the cycle of violence will look different in every relationship abusive relationships will start out looking normal (or seemingly normal) just like healthy ones will – Domestic Violence is rooted in power and control of the abuser over the survivor (physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, sexually, etc.) – Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Stalking 1 in 6 women are stalked at least once in their lifetime 1 in 19 men are stalked at least once in their lifetime On average stalking continues for 1.8 years Nearly 60% of female victims are stalked by an intimate partner College-aged women are at a higher risk

Defining the Issue Stalking: a course of conduct directed at a specific individual that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear Cyberstalking: the use of the internet, or other telecommunication technologies to harass or stalk another person – texting, Facebook control, Twitter, calling all the time, spoofing and other anonymous communication, spyware for phones

What might be some common reactions to trauma? May feel fearful, angry, betrayed May experience denial or have desire to forget May feel guilty or blame herself May feel powerless, helpless, numb Depression, self injury, suicide ideation Social isolation

How to Help/Ways to Support a Survivor Listen Be patient Trust your instincts Reassure the survivor that she is now safe Provide resources and/or referrals Remember: the goal is empowerment. Give her options and choices

Key Phrases to Remember I’m sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault. You did not deserve this. I believe you. You are such a strong person. What are you concerned about? What you are feeling is normal. While talking about this is really difficult, it is an important step. Whatever you decide to do is okay.

Key Phrases to Avoid NEVER SAY: – you have to… – It could have been worse. – Don’t think about it. – I know how you feel. – I know things will get better. – Why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you leave? – If you hadn’t been drinking…

Helpful Tips to Remember Let the survivor guide the discussion Do not physically touch the survivor Discuss the options, not the steps If you do not have the answer, say you don’t You are there to provide support, not to solve a problem Connect your friend or loved one with professional help Seek support for yourself

The Bystander Approach Bystander: an individual who notices a behavior or situation that could lead to something bad and is faced with the choice to help, do nothing, or contribute to the negative behavior. – Passive bystander: an individual who does not intervene. Active bystander: someone who does something to decrease the likelihood that something bad will occur or get worse

Resources The best way to help a friend or loved one who may come to you is to serve as a resource. If you are looking for shelter or would like to talk to an advocate, please call the MN Domestic Violence Crisis line 24 hours a day at For a complete list of shelters and organizations serving survivors in Minnesota, visit: – (Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women)

Thank you! St. Cecilia’s DVEA Group meets the Fourth Thursday of each month. The next meeting is Thursday, October 25 th. We will meet at Women’s Advocates, 558 Grand Ave. at 5:30 PM for a tour of the shelter followed by a Q&A. Looking for more information on the topic? Interested in joining DVEA? Contact Marge Virnig or Mary Ellen Briel Men and women are welcome!