Successful Quarreling Conflict Is Inevitable

Introduction “ A fellow who says he has never had an argument with his wife is apt to lie about things too.” In a partnership, you have to work on things together. #1 criteria for long-term marital stability and happiness is the ability to resolve conflict successfully. Four factors are precursors to divorce: –Criticism, contempt, defensiveness & withdrawal

General Pointers One zinger erases twenty positives. –Hurtful, harsh and unkind words damage a relationship When in doubt…wait. –“Let three things go Unsaid every day” Relationships have momentum. –Snowball effect – positive and negative. –We must learn to recognize when this is happening. Beware of modern egalitarian marriage. –Because biblical roles are discarded - no final arbitrator of disputes. –With no established roles, it results in strain

What Do Most Couples Argue About ? Six traditional areas of conflict: –Sex –Children –Money –In-laws –Tremendous trifles Something small, but a tremendous source of conflict If there are other problems these can become a battleground –New Issues: Who does domestic chores? How to spend our precious, limited leisure time

Happy vs. Unhappy Couples Both argue about the same things! –Happy-argue as if issues are external to relationship. –Unhappy – get personal, “hit below the belt” Mudd & Hay –If you treat symptoms, you don’t necessarily cure disease –Serious Relationship Problems Are: Feeling lonely and unloved. Feeling you aren’t understood because you can’t communicate Loss of perspective You feel rejected and unworthy. Happy - never even think the fateful thoughts —You don’t love me/We ought to divorce

What Happens During Conflict? Three Stages Of Marital Intimacy: –Stage 1: Become intimate/feel close, tell each other everything –Stage 2: Begin having disagreements and enter into conflict –Stage 3: Remain in conflict and can’t resolve it. (Withdrawal) Withdrawal decision is a very serious one –Become emotionally and spiritually divorced. –The wall keeps out the bad AND THE GOOD! –WARNING: When the open sharing of feelings stops – passion dies! –Romantic love is lost! –Irony about romantic love: "when you have it, you think you can’t lose it, & when you lose it you think it can’t be regained.“

What Happens During Conflict? –Romantic love can be regained if the parties understand what has happened to them. –TRUST is reestablished & over time old feelings of intimacy and romance returns!! Follow the process and the feelings will follow –The key to prevent affairs is to commit to full disclosure about hard topics. Affairs happen when you have secrets between you & spouse, & windows of intimacy with someone else. Deep sharing on feeling level w/ someone other than spouse is what causes you to "fall in love" with a person. When that happens, you are ripe for an-affair. –If there’s nothing important your spouse doesn't know about that someone else does, an affair will almost never happen. Affairs are usually not about sex, but someone having emotional needs met by someone outside marriage because they’re not being met at home