Parent Orientation Summer 2015 Cheryl Styczynski Bursar and Director of the Student Accounting Office

Is this Scene Familiar?

Approximately 50% of the new freshmen at UDM this year will be living in the residence halls. That means 50% will be living at home and commuting. Whether your son/daughter is in the half who are commuting or the half that will live in the residence halls, I hope some of the thoughts I will share with you hit home and can help you transition your young adult into college.

The day will arrive when it is time to say goodbye and send them off. You may be surprised by your strong reactions given that you have had months to prepare. You may have even recently said “I can’t wait for you to start school!” It’s OK to show emotions. It is important for them to know you’ll miss them but you are happy about their new adventure.

You should be proud…after all this is the moment you’ve been working toward…when your child begins their life on their own, well almost, anyway… Talking to them and getting them prepared this summer (if you haven’t already done so) will make you feel a little less anxious come fall.

Make Your Expectations Clear College is a huge investment of time and money. Set the expectation that they will focus on their academics but they can and should have a social life. These are my Top 10 Suggestions:

Tip #1 Don’t Ask If They Are Homesick Power of suggestion can be very persuasive, don’t give them the idea of being homesick. Even if they don’t tell you, they miss you. There are many stresses from the day they first come to campus…getting to know new people, adjusting to living with roommates, experiencing the differences between high school and college.

Tip #2 Stay in Touch (even if they don’t contact you back) They are anxious for family ties and connections. Your contact brings a feeling of security. Send a small package even if it just contains everyday things. Everyone likes to get packages in the mail. Agree somewhat on how often to make contact. You may think once a day is good and they may believe once every two weeks is just fine!

Tip #3 Ask Questions (but not too many) Much of their life is now hidden from you. Don’t pump them for information. They may consider your interest as interference. Avoid the “I-have-a-right-to-know” type questions. Don’t ask a question that can be answered with only Yes or No because that may be all you get as an answer.

Tip #4 Expect Change (but not too much) Your student will change. It’s natural and inevitable. There will be times when you wonder where the child you sent off to college went Let your student do what they want within certain limits. Take cues from your student…each one goes through this differently. Be supportive…they may or may not ask for help. Listen…even if you don’t like what you are hearing. Try to see their point of view….they’ll be less defensive. Keep the lines of communication open.

Tip #5 Don’t Worry (too much) About Sad Calls or Letters Often the place they turn during a troubled time is home. Young adults often call parents when they are “down” and call friends when they are “up”. Be patient with these conversations or letters. Provide advice if asked or just lend a sympathetic ear. Allow them to vent. You might not hear about the “A” paper, the new friend or the great professor…that’s OK.

Tip #6 Visit (but not too often) Visits are something they might not admit they like but they really do. A nice dinner or a small shopping trip is usually appreciated. Try not to make it spur of the moment and drop in. Plan ahead to make sure it fits with their study plans or other planned activities. Surprises can work both ways, and usually not for the better.

Tip #7 Don’t Ask Them in Their First Year What They are Going to Do After Graduation There is enough pressure choosing classes and being successful. Pushing them to focus on the future can have an adverse effect on their current performance. Their main job in the first year is to adjust to college life and be the best student they can be.

Tip #8 Don’t tell them “These are the best years of your life” College can be full of insecurities, indecision and disappointment It can also be full of inspiration, discovery, good times and great friends If you believe that all college students receive good grades, know their major as freshmen and have activity-packed weekends, you may be surprised to know that this is not true

Tip #9 Trust Them Finding oneself is difficult enough without having parents second guess them. Students need to know that their parents have confidence in them and their ability to handle things on their own. Tell them you are proud of them. Make sure you say it out loud to them….it can make a difference. Help them understand that it is OK to ask for help. Allow freedom. This is their time to explore.

Tip #10 Home Visits/Vacations will be Different First visit home often doesn’t live up to expectations. They are used to setting their own schedule. They are used to coming and going as they please without having to report in. Let them make some of their own decisions. You will notice that they seem to have grown up in a short period of time. More independent and self- sufficient. These changes are to be expected. While home they need to touch base with their “old” life not just the family.

The next four or five years will pass very quickly. Keep the goal in focus! We hope that you will be able to go from this: