Session 5 W elcome to the Self-Esteem in Second Life Workshop for Women with SCI A research study conducted by: Center for Research on Women with Disabilities (CROWD) Spinal Cord Injury and Disability Research Center (SCIDR)

Today’s Session Includes Healthy boundaries Healthy and unhealthy connections with others Ways to increase intimacy The process and possible consequences of making change 2

Action Plan Progress Review Tell us how things went with carrying out your action plan last week What barriers did you face? What or who encouraged you? How did working on this make you feel? 3

Review of Homework 1.My “Should” Messages Worksheet 2.My Support and Comfort List 3.How I Value and Care For Myself 4

My “Should” Messages Worksheet “Should” MessageAlternate Message Example: “I should never procrastinate.” “It feels good to complete important tasks, even if it means delaying less important items.” 5

My Support and Comfort List Support and comfort I receive from: People Places Things Activities Thoughts 6

How I Value and Care For Myself What things do you do each day/week to nurture yourself, or demonstrate that you value yourself? Imagine that you could do one thing today that might demonstrate how you value yourself more. What would it be? 7

Personal Boundaries Connectedness Relationships 8

What Are Boundaries? The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others Define our expectations of how others will behave around us Define how we will respond if someone steps outside those limits 9

Benefits of Healthy Boundaries Healthy boundaries can help us strengthen: –Our sense of having space separate from others –Our sense of responsibility to ourselves and others –The knowledge and respect of our personal rights and the rights of others –Our ability to take care of ourselves –Our relationships 10

Unhealthy Connections vs Healthy Connections 11

In a Unhealthy Relationship We give up who we are, and see our thoughts, emotions, and values as unimportant or not right. We lose our sense of self as separate from the other person for the sake of the relationship, and feel empty and abandoned when the relationship ends. We take on the thoughts, emotions and values of the other person. 12

In a Healthy Relationship Each person is committed to caring for the other person, the relationship, and oneself Each person works at –Improving communication skills –Maintaining harmony –Being open to personal change and growth Each person is respected and valued by the other 13

Signs of Healthy Connections Sense of equality Each of the partners contributes to the growth of the relationship Partners work on improving the relationship but not on changing one another 14

Is Your Relationship Healthy? 1.Do I feel strong and healthy when with the other person? 2.Does the other person seem strong and healthy when around me? 3.Do I accept the other person as is? 4.Does the other person accept me as I am? 15

Is Your Relationship Healthy? (cont) 4.Can I be myself when around the other person? 5.Are we each contributing to the relationship? 6.Are we each growing in this relationship? 16

Tips on Developing More Intimate Relationships 1.Risk being open 2.Offer and receive signs of caring 3.Make opportunities for quality time together 4.Share important values, interests, and goals 17

Consequences of Change Others may not like the change and try to interfere with it Some of your decisions might not work out 18

Consequences You may experience positive consequences: –Deeper respect for yourself and your courage to change –Others may also respect you for your progress –You might satisfy important personal needs and reach important goals 19

Blocks Used By Others That May Discourage Us When Changing 1."Why would you want to do that?" Counters: "Because it is important to me." 2."It’s impossible at this time." Counters: "Please explain why." 3."Wouldn't you rather...?" Counters: "No, I wouldn’t. I think that's what you'd rather. As for me...” 4."You're joking, of course." Counters: "No, I'm not. I'm serious. You seem uncomfortable about the idea." 20

Blocks Used By Others (cont) 5."Why don't you think about it and then come back and discuss it?" Counters: "I already have given it a lot of thought. I would like to discuss it now.” 6.“Do it if you want, but don't come crying to me when it doesn't work out." Counters: "Yes, I really want to do this and I'm not sure it'll work but I'm going to try." "Yes, I really want to do this, and it may not work out, but then there are never guarantees in something like this." 21

Blocks Used By Others (cont) 7.Silence Counters: Silence (but don't allow the subject to be changed) "I'm not sure what your silence means." "I'd like some feedback." 8.The "look" Counters: "I'm not sure what that look means." "I'd like to discuss this seriously." 22

MAKING CHANGES Increasing a Healthy Connection Habit Describe a new connection habit Modification in my environment to help me continue the habit My rewards for continuing the habit Images of success Blocks I may encounter Affirmation to help me on the way 23

MAKING CHANGES Increasing a Healthy Connection Habit “Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.” (Harriet Lerner) 24

This Week You Will: Review the materials we talked about today Look over and complete the “Making Changes: Increasing a Healthy Connection Habit” exercise Complete your action plan form Work on your action plan throughout the week 25