Tools for Building Sustainable, Healthy Relationships

 “I” – Who am I? What do I need? What can I ask for? How am I responsible? How should I respond? What are my patterns?  “We” - How do we stay connected? How do we challenge one another? How do we disagree?  “Larger Vision” – How do we reconcile our differences to serve a larger vision?

 Speaking ◦ We will speak for ourselves and not for others  the “Truth” ◦ We will speak only of our own experience ◦ We will try to speak as factually as possible  in Love ◦ We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to understand

“I” statements  Speak for yourself not for others  Avoid judgments and conclusions about others  Speak from your own experience  Tell your own truth

◦ Good triangles: distribute anxiety; natural phenomena ◦ Bad triangles: try to make someone else responsible who cannot fix it  “secrets”  Patterns of “stuckness”  Not about the person but the system

◦ Awareness of self  Patterns of communication  What is “mine” and what is “theirs”  “Connected” as opposed to “merged”  Only one I can change is myself

 Avoidance - deciding not to engage in conflict  Compromise - trying to find a middle position where all parties give a little to gain  Collaboration - trying to find a solution where the needs of all parties are completely met  Competition - conflict is seen as a win-lose situation and the will to win dominates  Accommodation - appeasing the other side

“Climbing the Ladder” A Conclusion An Assumption A Speculation A Hunch Observable Facts

 Interests are the needs, desires, concerns and fears behind our positions  A position is a decision you have made, an interest is what motivates or causes your decision  Interests allow for connection; Positions polarize

 Listen to understand, not to think about what you should say next  Listening to understand does not demand agreement  Concentrate on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own.

 Listen 200%: focus attention to the words behind the words  Be attentive to unconscious discounting behaviors  Validate the feelings you have heard (again, not the same as agreement)

 Clarify your understanding  Walk them “down the ladder”  Restate what you have heard (including feelings)  Do not judge or evaluate (yet!)

Respond to others creatively rather than critically ◦ Seek to affirm the merit before noting the weakness ◦ Share positive reactions before jumping to concerns, questions, or criticisms ◦ Ask clarifying questions

Have your emotions, don’t be had by them ◦ Try to understand why you are reacting the way you are ◦ Take responsibility for your own emotions ◦ Express your feelings as your own, and request a concrete action

An anxious, “emotional” response is: ◦ Instinctive ◦ Habitual ◦ Defensive or ◦ Without premeditation (automatic) This does not include your feelings of love, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.

 Lowering Anxiety ◦ Monitor your own functioning / emotions ◦ Create opportunities to listen ◦ Create time and space ◦ Give clear choices

The Curle Diagram Relations StaticUnstableDynamic Unpeaceful Stable Balanced Un- Balanced POWER Sustainable Peace Cut-offs Negotiation Confrontation Latent Conflict Overt Conflict Awareness of Conflict LowHigh

 What Doesn’t Work ◦ “Confidential” surveys or questionnaires ◦ Large public “congregational” meetings ◦ A “hearing”

 Dialogue not Debate  Facilitated by trained facilitators  Designed to surface issues  Solutions must come after  Builds community

 Begin with Covenant  Confidentiality  Transparency of raised issues  No “cross-talk”  No interruptions  Questions that are evocative, not predictive  Responses are paraphrased

 Generates energy and motivation to explore  Stimulates reflective thinking  Challenges or alters assumptions  Evokes more questions From “The Art of Powerful Questions” by Eric E. Vogt et al

What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”

Compared to: How might our worship provide opportunities for community building connections.

 What is in the best interest of the congregation and its mission?  What do I want?  How is that different from what I really need?