1 Day #8 of 8 Expectations, Emotions & Relationship Success Roster:Handouts: Please verify your information and check next to your name. Please pick up a copy of today’s handouts.

The Psychology of Love & Loss Expectations, Emotions & Relationship Success Day #8 of 8 The effect of our expectations on our emotions How gratitude relieves stress and how a sense of entitlement increases stress Characteristics of successful relationships (Shelly Gable, Judith Wallerstein, John Gottman)

…but first: Motivating Change in Relationships: Can Prayer Increase Forgiveness? 3 Yes. Item #13 on today’s page

The Plane of Possibility Emotions, intentions, images, memories, thoughts From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton

The Plane of Possibility Peaks may be triggered From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton

The effect of our expectations on our emotions

How our happiness is affected by our sense of entitlement versus our sense of gratitude

B = f(P x E) Behavior = function of (the Person x the Environment) Emotion = function of (the Person’s Expectations x the Environmental Outcome)

B = f(P x E)

My Prior Expectation

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation The Actual Outcome

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Bad “This actually ended badly!”

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Bad “This actually ended badly!”

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed

How our happiness is affected by our sense of entitlement versus our sense of gratitude

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” How I Perceive The Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed A Sense of Entitlement

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” How I Perceive The Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed A Sense of Entitlement

22 HIGH EXPECTATIONS 1 OF 2

23 HIGH EXPECTATIONS 2 OF 2

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” How I Perceive The Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed A Sense of Gratitude

B = f(P x E) My Prior Expectation Good “This should end well!” Bad “This should end badly!” How I Perceive The Actual Outcome Good “This actually ended well!” Perceived Cause The Person Good Skill Emotion Happy, Proud, Grateful Perceived Cause The Environment Good Luck Emotion Surprised, Guilt Bad “This actually ended badly!” Perceived Cause The Environment Bad Luck Emotion Surprised, Angry Disappointed, Sad Perceived Cause The Person Bad Skill Emotion Resigned Depressed A Sense of Gratitude

The Plane of Possibility From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton Peaks may be triggered

The Plane of Possibility Grateful Entitled From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton Entitled Grateful Peaks may be triggered

The Plane of Possibility Grateful Entitled From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton Entitled Grateful

Cognitions Emotions Overt Behavior 29

What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we criticize someone? How does the other person feel? Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior

What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we praise someone or express our gratitude to them? How does the other person feel? Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior

Gottman’s Ratio The proportion of praise & gratitude comments relative to criticism comments 32

Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success When a relationship is in crisis. 5:15:1 5 words of praise or gratitude for every 1 criticism

When a relationship is not in crisis. 8:1 8 words of praise or gratitude for every 1 criticism Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success

Let’s take the time to be kind to ourselves, and to others, and increase our relationship success. Our memories are imperfect, but we can keep Gottman’s ratio in mind.

8:1 May I be kind enough to offer this ratio to myself.

37 Don't Let the Spirit Crushers Get You Down Don't Let the Spirit Crushers Get You Down By ROBIN ABCARIAN Los Angeles Times September 18, 1994 Item #6 on today’s page

38 Cheerleader Partners Shelly Gable and her colleagues videotaped 79 couples taking turns discussing positive and negative events in their lives. Partner responses were coded as being one of four types. Item #10 on today’s page

39 Types of Partner Response after hearing about a girlfriend’s promotion. Energetic, destructive response “Are you sure you can handle all that responsibility?” Passive, destructive response Changing the subject. Energetic, constructive response “You really deserve it. You’ve been working hard for that promotion.” Passive, constructive response “That’s nice, dear.”

40 Participants reported the highest levels of relationship satisfaction when their partners’ responses to their personal achievements tended to be energetically constructive. Cheerleader Partners

41 Energetically constructive: “You really deserve it. You’ve been working so hard for that promotion.” Cheerleader Partners

42 What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news. “When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.

43 What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news. “When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.

8:18:18:18:1 Kind Praise:Criticism 44 GOTTMAN’S RATIO

A “Language” Reminder: 45

♥ ♥ Words of Affirmation ♥ ♥ Quality Time ♥ ♥ Receiving Gifts ♥ ♥ Acts of Service ♥ ♥ Physical Touch 46 CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

Loneliness 47

Loneliness ITEM # 27 On Today’s Information Page : Lynch, J.J. (1977). The broken heart: The medical consequences of loneliness. New York: Basic Books, Inc. 48

Loneliness: 49 Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale

Loneliness: 50 Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale 1. O S R N …I am unhappy doing so many things alone 2. O S R N …I have nobody to talk to 3. O S R N …I cannot tolerate being so alone 4. O S R N …I lack companionship 5. O S R N …I feel as if nobody really understands me 6. O S R N …I find myself waiting for people to call or write 7. O S R N …There is no one I can turn to 8. O S R N …I am no longer close to anyone 9. O S R N …My interests and ideas are not shared by those around 10. O S R N …I feel left out 11. O S R N …I feel completely alone 12. O S R N …I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around 13. O S R N …My social relationships are superficial 14. O S R N …I feel starved for company

Loneliness Promotes Inflammation During Acute Stress 51 Item # 14 On Today’s Information Page

Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013; Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Fig. 1. Results from Study 1: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α) and (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6) as a function of measurement time and loneliness (low = 1 SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean). Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013; Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013; Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

Fig. 2. Results from Study 2: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α), (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6), and (c) interleukin-1 beta (IL-1β) as a function of measurement time and loneliness (low = 1 SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean). Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013; Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

56 “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy - age 4 Definitions of Love

57 “You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8 Definitions of Love

…in times of conflict, maintain a mindful awareness of your moral center. Stop the clock for a moment to acknowledge, “I love you.” Mindful Being Mindful 58

It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships Item #12 on today’s page

The Gratitude Visit Gratitude Expressed Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. William Arthur Ward

Cognition  Cognition  Emotion  Overt Behavior The 3 Primary Domains of the Human Experience …and a field test

62 TODAY’S LIST

63 TODAY’S LIST

64 TODAY’S LIST

65 Thank you for the beauty of our days together! May the open place in our hearts serve as an entrance. The End.