Psychology 3533 Understanding Human Sexuality Elena Hannah

CHAPTER 10: SEXUAL EXPRESSION AND COMMUNICATION  Definitions: Autoeroticism Autoeroticism Erogenous Zone Erogenous Zone Masturbation Masturbation Dildo Dildo Coitus Coitus Cunnilingus Cunnilingus Fellatio Fellatio Anilingus Anilingus Aphrodisiac Aphrodisiac Anaphrodisiac Anaphrodisiac

CHAPTER 10  Smells: North American hang-ups North American hang-ups  Precautions For Anal Sex  French Attitude – Bidet  Sex and Work; Sex as Work  Performance Anxiety  Newfoundland Statistics

CHAPTER 10  Male Masturbation: remember Oscar Wilde remember Oscar Wilde  However: not a preparation for heterosexual sex for men  Women: masturbation helps in heterosexual sex masturbation helps in heterosexual sex  Gender Differences in Fantasy: more detailed and elaborate in women. Influence of culture. more detailed and elaborate in women. Influence of culture.

CHAPTER 10 Sex toys for solo sex or couples. Variety. Therapeutic uses. Sex toys for solo sex or couples. Variety. Therapeutic uses. Giving permission to enjoy sex. Giving permission to enjoy sex. Techniques vs. genuine pleasure in giving pleasure, focus on partner. Techniques vs. genuine pleasure in giving pleasure, focus on partner. Importance of other senses, cleanliness. Importance of other senses, cleanliness. Verbal sex. Verbal sex.

CHAPTER 10  Is sex natural or does it require learning?  Basic impulse natural, behaviours to satisfy mostly learned. Interesting cultural differences.

TWO PERSON SEX  General and specific touching  Can use hands, mouth, other body parts or objects  Vary touch, pressure, speed and frequency based on reactions (verbal and non-verbal)

TWO PERSON SEX  Most common erogenous zones:  Males: penis, scrotum, area in front of the anus (prostate gland)  Females: nipples, whole breast, clitoris, labia minora, mons  These stimulations can lead to orgasm, and/or be a preparation for sexual intercourse

CHAPTER 10  Foreplay: can begin hours before sexual intercourse, in the kitchen, car, shopping mall, etc.: looks, words can begin hours before sexual intercourse, in the kitchen, car, shopping mall, etc.: looks, words On the scene: On the scene: touchingtouching movementsmovements soundssounds smellssmells sightssights varied speed and durationvaried speed and duration Great variability between and within individuals (fast/slow, rough/gentle, etc.)Great variability between and within individuals (fast/slow, rough/gentle, etc.)

TWO PERSON SEX  Positions for penis-in-vagina intercourse; most common:  man on top (missionary)  woman on top  rear entry  sideways  Almost endless variations  Oral-genital sex: cunnilingus, fellatio, sixty-nine Taste of ejaculate: Taste of ejaculate: bitter: coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, potbitter: coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, pot sharp: red meats, greasy foods, dairy, asparagus, spinach, broccolisharp: red meats, greasy foods, dairy, asparagus, spinach, broccoli mild: vegetarian diet, fruit (pineapple), parsley, celerymild: vegetarian diet, fruit (pineapple), parsley, celery More likely in higher SES/education More likely in higher SES/education

CHAPTER 10  Rule of Thumb: ask (do you like this?) and observe reactions. ask (do you like this?) and observe reactions.  Role of emotional involvement, love, trust.

CHAPTER 10  Communication Communication: Communication: extremely important. Most problems involve communication failureextremely important. Most problems involve communication failure Patterns of Interaction: Patterns of Interaction: constructive vs. destructiveconstructive vs. destructive constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem constructive interaction strengthens human bonds and enhances self-esteem Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.Intimacy entails mutual self-disclosure. Need for truthfulness, leads to trust. Trust strengthens intimacy.

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Truth in Sex: Truth in Sex: Private vs. Public TalkPrivate vs. Public Talk Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) Importance of non-verbal communication (90%) Intent: Intent: what you mean to saywhat you mean to say Impact: Impact: what the other hearswhat the other hears Need for frequent clarification of both Need for frequent clarification of both

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d):  Ambiguous vs. Non-Ambiguous Messages  Fair Fighting  Misinterpretation of Sex Signals  Focus 10.2: Tannen’s Work Tannen’s Work Men tend to use language for information, status and one- upmanshipMen tend to use language for information, status and one- upmanship Women tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapportWomen tend to use language to get close, for intimacy, sharing, rapport Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there Recent research shows #s not so great, but are there

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Receiving message: Receiving message: active listeningactive listening non-defensivenon-defensive really listenreally listen feedback:feedback: I heard you say … paraphrasing I heard you say … paraphrasing  Validation  Non-Verbal Communication

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Active Listening: Active Listening: attentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief commentsattentive body language, appropriate facial expressions, asking questions, making brief comments Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: Paraphrasing, showing true understanding of the message: rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.rephrasing in own words what the listener heard. Opportunity to clarify misunderstandings.

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Feedback: Feedback: communicate verbally our reaction to the messagecommunicate verbally our reaction to the message Acceptance of Message: Acceptance of Message: I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from.I really appreciate your telling me this. Your disclosure sheds a lot of light on our problem. What you told me makes it easier for me to understand where you’re coming from.

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Unconditional Positive Regard Unconditional Positive Regard Conveying that you love the person no matter what they revealConveying that you love the person no matter what they reveal When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions When questioning, use open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions E.g. of yes/no:E.g. of yes/no: Do you like oral sex? Do you like oral sex? Did you come? Did you come? E.g. of open-ended:E.g. of open-ended: What gives you the most pleasure? What gives you the most pleasure? Where do you like to be touched? Where do you like to be touched? What are your feelings about oral sex? What are your feelings about oral sex?

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): “I” statements” “I” statements” “You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”.“You don’t care about me” vs. “I feel ignored”. “You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”.“You upset me” vs. “I’m upset”. “You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”.“You don’t love me” vs. “I feel unloved”.

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Documenting: Documenting: stick to specificsstick to specifics Leveling: Leveling: be honest and clearbe honest and clear Editing: Editing: leave out hurtful commentsleave out hurtful comments

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: Alexithymia: Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them.Inability to verbalize one’s feelings or emotions, or even be aware of them. Very common in men.Very common in men. Due to gender role socialization.Due to gender role socialization. In today’s context it has become dysfunctional.In today’s context it has become dysfunctional.

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d): Alexithymia: Alexithymia: Fear, sadness and shame:Fear, sadness and shame: transformed into aggression transformed into aggression Caring emotions:Caring emotions: transformed into sex transformed into sex

CHAPTER 10  Communication (Cont’d):  Destructive patterns of interaction: Criticism Criticism Contempt Contempt Defensiveness Defensiveness Attack Attack Withdrawal, stonewalling Withdrawal, stonewalling