What is Love?

Who is the fairest of them all?

I Love You Man!! Love, both as an emotion and a behavior, is essential to human survival. Love, both as an emotion and a behavior, is essential to human survival. The family is usually our first form of love; it provides not only the necessary physical things to get by, but it also provides the necessary emotional support we need to grow up. The family is usually our first form of love; it provides not only the necessary physical things to get by, but it also provides the necessary emotional support we need to grow up.

Everyone needs to know they are loved. It starts as a child…. …and continues through adulthood. …and continues through adulthood.

Being “in love” fills this need At least for a while! During the “in love” phase, you minimize the flaws of the beloved. You think about them all the time. You want to be with them all the time.

Links to Gender Differences

Words to describe falling in love Your words? Your words? Earth shattering Earth shattering Trance Trance Beguiling Beguiling Amazed Amazed Exhilarated Exhilarated Sudden and intense Sudden and intense Trepidation Trepidation Struck by Cupid’s arrow Struck by Cupid’s arrow

Sigmund Freud “Work and love, that’s all there is” – Freud “Falling in love is a time when the normal become psychotic”

Love?

The Human Brain in Love

Introduction Psychologists and the public use the word “love,” so it must have some meaning Psychologists and the public use the word “love,” so it must have some meaning Today’s lecture is intended to challenge your preconceptions and help you to establish a working definition of love Today’s lecture is intended to challenge your preconceptions and help you to establish a working definition of love Demonstrate your thoughts on love using the ancient Greeks Demonstrate your thoughts on love using the ancient Greeks Listen to Helen Fisher’s discussion of “love” Listen to Helen Fisher’s discussion of “love”

HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

gods had special powers, but looked like humans. They married, played tricks, and had children.

WHAT IS LOVE (TO YOU)? Every Person (Child/Teenager/Adult) is Unique Every Person (Child/Teenager/Adult) is Unique Brain Functioning Brain Functioning Genetic Temperament Genetic Temperament You individual “thoughts about love” may be different than the next person You individual “thoughts about love” may be different than the next person HANDOUT HANDOUT

Defining Love For the Greeks, the three most important types of love leading to more successful intimate relationships are: Eros (carnal or physical love) Eros (carnal or physical love) (items 1-4); focuses on emotionally intense, intimate relationships (items 1-4); focuses on emotionally intense, intimate relationships Tend to idealize their partners; willing to take risks Tend to idealize their partners; willing to take risks

Defining Love The ancient Greeks divided love into a number of elements: Ludus (game-playing love) Ludus (game-playing love) (items 5-8); love is a series of challenges and puzzles to be solved (items 5-8); love is a series of challenges and puzzles to be solved Quickly moves in and out of relationships Quickly moves in and out of relationships Refuses to make long-term commitments Refuses to make long-term commitments Wary of emotional intensity from others Wary of emotional intensity from others

Defining Love The ancient Greeks divided love into a number of elements: Storge (friendship love) Storge (friendship love) (items 9-12); caring, concerned friendship based on similar interests and pursuits (items 9-12); caring, concerned friendship based on similar interests and pursuits Love is evolutionary and take time to develop Love is evolutionary and take time to develop Yearn for long-term relationship based on trust Yearn for long-term relationship based on trust

Defining Love For the Greeks, the three most important types of love leading to more successful intimate relationships are: Pragma (practical rationale for relationship). Pragma (practical rationale for relationship). (13-16) It’s about the entire holistic life; not just romantic love (13-16) It’s about the entire holistic life; not just romantic love Willingness to enter relationship to satisfy each others’ practical needs Willingness to enter relationship to satisfy each others’ practical needs More on satisfactory rewards than romantic love More on satisfactory rewards than romantic love

Defining Love The ancient Greeks divided love into a number of elements: Mania (possessive/dependent love). Mania (possessive/dependent love). (items 17-20); possessive, dependent love (items 17-20); possessive, dependent love Partners are insecure and fearful of rejection Partners are insecure and fearful of rejection High emotional expressiveness and disclosure, but low self-esteem High emotional expressiveness and disclosure, but low self-esteem Anticipates love to be painful Anticipates love to be painful Tries to force partner into greater expressions of affection Tries to force partner into greater expressions of affection

Defining Love For the Greeks, the three most important types of love leading to more successful intimate relationships are: Agape (spiritual love) Agape (spiritual love) Items (21-24); selfless, non-demanding love Items (21-24); selfless, non-demanding love They are not happy unless partners are happy They are not happy unless partners are happy

ROMANTIC LOVE Also known as “puppy love”, it is an exaggerated form of love.

Romantic love is … Raymond Knee identifies five components of romantic love: (1) the belief that love conquers all; (2) the belief that each person has only one true love; (3) the expectation that the beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover; (4) love at first sight is possible; and (5) it is better to follow your heart than your head when choosing a partner.

SEXUAL LOVE The intimate expression of love. This type of love is best saved for a committed married couple

PRAGMATIC LOVE A rational reasoning kind of love. Arranged marriage

PLATONIC LOVE spiritual and intellectual relationship between a man and a woman. Non sexual spiritual and intellectual relationship between a man and a woman. Non sexual

COMPANIONSHIP LOVE. Typically found in good friendships

ALTRUISTIC LOVE Selfless love, or concern for the spouse.

MANIC LOVE a crazy, possessive, jealous kind of love. a crazy, possessive, jealous kind of love.

Unconditional love Showing love towards someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs Showing love towards someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs

SELF-LOVE a egotistic, narcissistic kind of love. a egotistic, narcissistic kind of love.

What is Love?

CHEMISTRY OF LOVE

Chemistry of falling in love What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’? ‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)] Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicals

Chemistry of falling in love Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived. Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. - Michael Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.

Monogamy Only 5% of species, those where both parents needed for child’s survival Only 5% of species, those where both parents needed for child’s survival Pair-bonding: having an emotional attachment to another is a “trademark” of humans Pair-bonding: having an emotional attachment to another is a “trademark” of humans Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release during love; feels addicting Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release during love; feels addicting Good feelings associated with partner (classical conditioning) Good feelings associated with partner (classical conditioning) Tells you “Gee … romance with this person feels great” rather than just “Geez romance feels great” Tells you “Gee … romance with this person feels great” rather than just “Geez romance feels great”

Helen Fisher

THE BRAIN IN LOVE: 15:00

Reiss’s Theory about Love Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love includes four stages: Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love includes four stages: Rapport Rapport Self-revelation Self-revelation Mutual dependency Mutual dependency Personality Personality Need fulfillment Need fulfillment The stages can be repeated many times. The stages can be repeated many times.

The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 1 The Rapport Stage Stage 1 The Rapport Stage Partners are struck by the feelings that they have known each other before. Partners are struck by the feelings that they have known each other before. They are comfortable with each other, and both want to deepen the relationship. They are comfortable with each other, and both want to deepen the relationship.

The Wheel as a Model of Love Stage 2 The Self-revelation Stage Stage 2 The Self-revelation Stage The partners share more intimate feelings. The partners share more intimate feelings. This deepens the relationship because such sharing is only done with special people. This deepens the relationship because such sharing is only done with special people. Self-disclosure is associated with increased commitment, mutual trust, and love. Self-disclosure is associated with increased commitment, mutual trust, and love.

The Wheel as a Model of Love Stage 3 Mutual Dependence Stage 3 Mutual Dependence As sharing becomes more intimate, a feeling of mutual dependence develops. As sharing becomes more intimate, a feeling of mutual dependence develops. Falling in love provides a sense of very rapid expansion of the boundaries of self. There comes a feeling of loss when the partner is absent. Falling in love provides a sense of very rapid expansion of the boundaries of self. There comes a feeling of loss when the partner is absent.

The Wheel as a Model of Love Stage 4 Intimacy Stage 4 Intimacy The partners experience more intimacy and need fulfillment as they deepen their relationship. The partners experience more intimacy and need fulfillment as they deepen their relationship.

Female Courtship Ritual Ms. Wonderful and Mr. Sarver Ms. Wonderful and Mr. Sarver

Female Courtship Rituals Women’s flirting behavior Eibl-Eibesfeldt (1989): 1)Smile 2)Lift Eyebrows in fast jerky motion 3)Open their eyes wide 4)Lower their eyelids 5)Tilt heads down and to the side 6)Look away

Female Courtship Rituals Moore (1985; 1989): Female courtship behaviors were defined as that specific subset of nonverbal behavior that consistently resulted in male attention 52 items identified Courtship found to be more important that physical attraction for garnering male interest.

Female Courtship Rituals Type I, II, III glances, Eyebrow flash, head toss, hair flip, face to face, lipstick application, lip lick, lip pout, smiling, laugh, giggling, kissing, whisper, arm flexion, tapping, palming, gesticulation, hand hold, primp, skirt hike, object caress, caress (hair, leg, buttock, arm, torso, back), lean, brush, breast touch, thigh tough, foot to foot, placement, Lateral body contact, parade, approach, promenade, pinching, tickling.

Male Courtship Rituals

Male courtship rituals: Submissive displays: Palms up, shoulder shrug, tilt head. Dominance displays: Entering personal space, putting arm around shoulder, swagger. Resources displays: Paying for food, drink. Wearing expensive clothes. Bragging.

Male Courtship Rituals Male rituals harder to chronicle (Taflinger, 1996): The less ritualized and more original his approach is, the more likely a woman is to accept it This leads to ad hoc courtship by human males.

Factors Influencing Attraction 1)Proximity 2)Physical Attractiveness 3)Similarity 4)Reciprocity 5)Conditioning 6)Courtship

Psychology of Attraction 1. Proximity: Geographic nearness is a powerful predictor of friendship. Repeated exposure to novel stimuli increases their attraction (mere exposure effect).

Proximity Geographic nearness Geographic nearness The Mere Exposure Effect – repeated contact with novel stimuli tends to increase liking for the stimuli The Mere Exposure Effect – repeated contact with novel stimuli tends to increase liking for the stimuli People also tend to meet in locations engaging in activities that reflect common interests – the NHSLS confirms this People also tend to meet in locations engaging in activities that reflect common interests – the NHSLS confirms this

Proximity Reasons why proximity plays a role in attraction 1) Mere exposure 2) More opportunities to meet, interact 3) People are likely to live near people of similar economic, social backgrounds

Proximity Mere exposure (Zajonc, 1966; Moreland & Beach 1992) Ratings of attraction.

Proximity More opportunities to meet, interact: Homes for elderly, college campuses distance between rooms predicts attraction (Nahemow & Lawton, 1975) Manipulating dorm assignments (Festinger, 1950) Random (alphabetized) seating assignments in class (Segal, 1974)

Proximity People are likely to live near people of similar economic, social backgrounds: Wealth, class, ethnicity, and education levels tend to cluster by neighborhood (U.S. Census Bureau, 1990). People with similar backgrounds are inclined to like each other more (Newcomb, 1956).

Psychology of Attraction 2.Physical Attractiveness: Once proximity affords contact, the next most important thing in attraction is physical appearance.

Physical Attraction People like beauty. Halo effects (Hatfield et al, 1986) More attractive people get lower bail set, (Downs & Lyons, 1991), more easily influence others (Chaiken, 1979), earn more money (Hamermesh & Biddle, 1994). #1 predictor of date satisfaction for males is the attractiveness of the partner (Sprecher & Duck, 1994)

Physical Attraction Beauty is objective: 1)High level of agreement across cultures (Langlois et al, 2000) 2)Certain features of faces are reliably associated with attractiveness (Cunningham, 1986) 3)Babies prefer attractive faces (Cowley, 1996).

Physical Attraction Beauty is subjective: 1)Different cultures “improve” beauty in different ways (Newman, 2000). 2)Different body types are judged to be more attractive in different parts of the world (Anderson et. al 1992) 3)Body type standards vary over time (Silverstein et al, 1986).

Physical Attraction Things that people agree on: 1)Symmetrical faces are more attractive

Physical Attraction Things that people agree on: 2) More average faces are more attractive 3) Waist/hip ratio for women is judged similarly across culture. Men prefer waists 1/3 narrower than hips (Singh, 1993) 4) Across culture, women prefer men to have a V-shaped physique (Singh, 1995)

Physical Attraction Things that people agree on: 5) Women who have large eyes, prominent cheekbones, small bones and a wide smile are judged more attractive (Cunningham, 1986) 6) Men with broad jaws and chiseled features are judged more attractive (Cunningham et al, 1990).

Physical Attraction Situational influences on attraction: 1)Contrast effects (Kenrick et al, 1993) 2)Opinions of same sex peers (for women) (Graziano et al, 1993) 3)Girls all get prettier at closing time effect, (Gladue & Delaney, 1990) 4)Glasses (Terry & Macy, 1991)

Physical Attraction Good male names: Alexander, Joshua, Mark, Henry, Scott, Taylor. Good female names: Elizabeth, Mary, Jessica, Ann, Brittany, Isabella Bad male names: Otis, Roscoe, Norbert, Ogden, Willard, Eugene Bad female names: Mildred, Frieda, Agatha, Harriet, Rosalyn, Tracy

Psychology of Attraction 3.Similarity: Similar views among individuals causes the bond of attraction to strengthen. Similarity breeds content!

Similarity Schuster & Elderton (1906) Married couples report significant agreement about politics and religion. Friends were more similar in attitudes, beliefs, values, and interests. Correlation does not imply causation.

Similarity Demonstrating that similarity is responsible for attraction (Newcomb, 1956) Gave students free rent in a dorm in exchange for being study participants. Took measures of attitudes on different topics before students arrived on campus. Over the course of the year, students with similar attitudes reported more attraction to each other

Similarity Matching Hypothesis: We like those who are like ourselves (Galton, 1870). Romantic pairs are similar in physical attractiveness (Zajonc et al, 1987) Even college roommates, prefer to be of similar attractiveness (Carlie et al. 1991) Sense of humor particularly important (Cann et al., 1995)

Reciprocity People like positive feedback (Coleman, Jussim, & Abraham, 1987). Even obvious attempts at flattery increase liking (Drachman et. al. 1978). Being liked leads to positive interpersonal behavior (1986).

Reciprocity Over time, people prefer increasing affinity rather than decreasing affinity (Aronson et al, 1965). This has been referred to as the “couple’s curse”.

Reciprocity Playing hard to get Very hard to get empirical data supporting this strategy (Walster et al, 1973) Although people prefer moderately selective mates to those with no selectivity, lack of perceived interest is typically perceived as a turn off (Wright & Contrada, 1986).

Conditioning Association with positive or negative stimulus influences attractiveness ratings. Negative mood leads to lower attractiveness ratings (Byrne & Clore, 1970). Unpleasant background music when meeting a person leads to subsequent lower attractiveness ratings (May & Hamilton, 1980)

Courtship 1)Opening Lines 2)Female Courtship Rituals 3)Male Courtship Rituals

Introductions Kleinke et al, 1986; Investigated what people say when trying to meet somebody they don’t know (pick up lines) Typical Answers: “Hi, I’m easy, are you?” “Where are you from” “Hi. I’m a little embarrassed about this, but I’d like to get to know you.

Introductions Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989 Looked at the effectiveness of different types of opening lines in laboratory, and then real life settings Likeability

Introductions Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989 SettingBest LineWorst Line ClubDo you want to dance? Bet I can out-drink you! LaundromatWant to have a cup of coffee while we’re waiting Those are some nice undies you have there BeachWant to play frisbee?Let me see your tan lines.

The Love Scale Rubin tried by having hundreds of couples respond to a questionnaire. Rubin tried by having hundreds of couples respond to a questionnaire. The Love Scale had three components: The Love Scale had three components: Attachment – the desire for another’s presence and emotional support Attachment – the desire for another’s presence and emotional support Caring – concern for the other’s well being Caring – concern for the other’s well being Intimacy – desire for close, confidential communication Intimacy – desire for close, confidential communication

Is the Love Scale meaningful ? Is the Love Scale meaningful ? Maybe, couples who scored high spend more time looking in each others eyes Maybe, couples who scored high spend more time looking in each others eyes

Robert Sternberg Triangular Theory of Love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central components Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central components 1.Passion: intense longing for another person 2.Intimacy: feeling connected, enjoying one’s company and support 3.Commitment: obligations and responsibilities to one another

That’s How It Works ! Putting it all together Putting it all together Sternberg explains the transition from passionate to companionate love Sternberg explains the transition from passionate to companionate love Passionate love develops rapidly and intensely, then declines. Intimacy and commitment grow. If they don’t, the drop in passion likely signals the relationship’s end. Passionate love develops rapidly and intensely, then declines. Intimacy and commitment grow. If they don’t, the drop in passion likely signals the relationship’s end.

Taking It Apart The interplay of these three components and their varying power over time results in differences in how we experience love. The interplay of these three components and their varying power over time results in differences in how we experience love. Isolating and combining the three faces gives us informative labels for differing types of love. Isolating and combining the three faces gives us informative labels for differing types of love.

Quick Quiz

1. Love that includes intimacy and commitment without passion is a) Familial Love b) Companionate Love c) Empty Love d) Liking

Answer: b Companionate love is a strong bond that includes intimacy and commitment without passion. Companionate love is a strong bond that includes intimacy and commitment without passion.

2. The process of passing society’s values on to new members is a) Coding b) Modeling c) Brainwashing d) Socialization

Answer: d Socialization is the process of passing society’s values on to new members. Socialization is the process of passing society’s values on to new members.

3. The Greek term for brotherly love is a) Agape b) Philos c) Eros d) Storge

Answer: b Philos is the Greek term for brotherly love. Philos is the Greek term for brotherly love.

Peck’s Criticisms of “Love” Falling in love (passion) ≠ love Falling in love (passion) ≠ love Excitement related to new, attractive person Excitement related to new, attractive person “We fall in love when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated” “We fall in love when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated” The honeymoon always ends The honeymoon always ends Dependency ≠ love Dependency ≠ love “I need him” or “I’d die without her” “I need him” or “I’d die without her” “What you describe is parasitism, not love” “What you describe is parasitism, not love” Love is based on choice, not necessity Love is based on choice, not necessity

Love ≠ a feeling Love ≠ a feeling Love is an action, characterized by treating someone well Love is an action, characterized by treating someone well Having strong feelings that someone is important or needed doesn’t mean you love them Having strong feelings that someone is important or needed doesn’t mean you love them Myth of Romantic love Myth of Romantic love Story that two people are “meant to be,” that it is predetermined “in the stars” Story that two people are “meant to be,” that it is predetermined “in the stars” If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias) If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias) Realistically, there are many suitable partners Realistically, there are many suitable partners

Love is… Love is… An action, not a feeling An action, not a feeling Attention Attention A risk of rejection A risk of rejection Independence, not dependence Independence, not dependence Commitment Commitment Self-disciplined Self-disciplined …hard work

Happy Couples Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks, likes, dislikes Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks, likes, dislikes Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair attempts” to prevent increased negativity Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair attempts” to prevent increased negativity Shared, deep sense of meaning Shared, deep sense of meaning

Unhappy Couples Arguments characterized by… Arguments characterized by… Harsh setup: negative and accusatory Harsh setup: negative and accusatory 4 types of negative interactions: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling 4 types of negative interactions: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling Flooding  Stonewalling Flooding  Stonewalling Failed repair attempts Failed repair attempts Bad memories Bad memories

Love Quotes “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” - M. Scott Peck “Love is the subtlest force in the world” - Mahatma Gandhi “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend” - Martin Luther King Jr. - Martin Luther King Jr.

“It’s a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how much you love them” - Agatha Christie - Agatha Christie “One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night” - Margaret Mead - Margaret Mead “Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own” - Robert Heinlein - Robert Heinlein “Whoso loves… Believes the impossible” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole” - Samuel Taylor Coleridge - Samuel Taylor Coleridge “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal - Erich Segal “Love talked about can be easily turned aside, but love demonstrated is irresistible” - W. Stanley Mooneyham - W. Stanley Mooneyham

Helen Fisher

THE BRAIN IN LOVE: 15:00