Communication Smarts Review

Four Danger Signs: Communication Escalation Put-down/ invalidation Withdrawal/ avoidance Negative interpretations Communication Never say: You need a time out. Instead say: We or I need a time out.

Two Options: Drop it for now. Come back and discuss later, but within 24 hours. Shift to a safer and better communication. Use speaker-listener technique. Time Out: During a time out, don’t rehearse negative or “hot” thoughts. It will defeat the whole purpose of a time out.

Reduce Anger Helpful Tip: Remember that often behind anger lies hurt feelings. Example: I am angry at you…but really deep down I’m feeling rejected. Helpful Tip: Have soothing statements or mantras. -Example: I am really mad at her now, but basically she's a good person and we will figure this out.

Helpful Tip Have soothing statements or mantras. Example: I am really mad at her now, but basically she's a good person and we will figure this out.

Complaining WWWF-formula Character assassination You always, you never Blaming Mind reading Cross-complaining Kitchen-sinking WWWF-formula W= What W= When or W= Where WW= When or Where F= Feelings AVOID negative or harsh

Messages Filter -Distractions Counter it -Mood/ emotional state -Negative beliefs -Style Counter it - choose a good time to bring stuff up. - Ask if it’s a good time - Back off if it’s a bad time. -Announce your mood -Back off if you see it’s a bad time for someone. -Look for evidence to the contrary. -Check it out. Don’t mind-read, ask. -Learn about your style and that of others; have humility- your way isn't the only way.

Key Rules Rules for speaker -speak for yourself, no mind reading. -Don’t g on and on. - Pause, let listener paraphrase Rules for listener -Don’t disagree or interrupt. -Seek to understand. -Paraphrase what you hear.

Four Hidden Issues Button Trivial triggers Scorekeeping Avoidance Wheel spinning Button Deal with the event now as best you can, decide to talk about the bigger issue or problem at a later time. Don’t let an event drag you into an unproductive argument now about the bigger issue or problem. Tell yourself now is not a good time. Use a time-out.

Problems w/ Expectations Six Hidden Issues: Power and control Caring Recognition Integrity Commitment acceptance Acceptance Problems w/ Expectations Problems w/ expectations -unaware -Unreasonable -Unspoken, unshared What to do -Become aware -Check to see id reasonable -Be motivated to meet a best friend, a family member or a girl/boyfriends most important expectation.

Problem Solving Model *Have a good problem discussion. Make sure you understand each others concerns and point of view. Use speaker-listener if needed. 1.Decide specific problem or piece or problem to solve. 2. Brainstorm a list of possible solutions. 3. Come up with a plan. Keep eliminating until you’ve narrowed it down to one solution you agree to try. 4. Do a follow-up check. How’s it working? Modify if needed.

“Friendship Feeling” Daily weather reports. Daily appreciations Stay up-to-date with each other Make time for real “friendship” talking- even with family members.

Works Cited Love You too Communication Smarts for all Relationships Marline F. Pearson The Dibble Fund for Marriage Education Copyright 2004 Power point by: Emory Jones New Albany High School