Book Reviewed By Sandy Sheffield Book Reviewed By Sandy Sheffield

Overview Kindlon & Thompson are child psychologists with over 35 years of combined experience working with boys. In this book, they address what they see as a crisis concerning the socio/emotional development of boys in this country. Their main message is that boys need to be taught “emotional literacy” in order to grow into happier and healthier men. Using examples from their own practices, they outline the struggles and challenges boys face. They ultimately offer seven guidelines that illustrate what they feel boys need.

Why You Need to Read this Book: Boys are more likely to be perceived as misbehaving and much more likely than girls to be disciplined harshly, both at home and at school. Boys are much more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs than girls, and are much more likely to drive while intoxicated. Boys are much more likely than girls to commit violent crimes, and these crimes are on the rise. Unlike girls, boys tend not to discuss their feelings with anyone. Boys are much more likely than girls to succeed at suicide.

Barriers to “Emotional Literacy” SOCIETY Our society believes boys should be tough, not emotional. From birth, boys are discouraged from identifying, talking about, and even feeling emotions. EDUCATION Boys are less verbal and more physical than girls in early development. In light of this difference, traditional classrooms are designed to fit girls better than boys.

Barriers to “Emotional Literacy” DISCIPLINE Research proves harsher punishments are more often given for “physical misbehavior.” Because boys have more physical energy, they often attract more and harsher discipline, which can cause anger, shame, and self-hatred. PEER CULTURE Beginning in adolescence, boys become very competitive in groups. This competition can turn to cruelty in the form of teasing, tricking, harassing, and humiliating.

Barriers to “Emotional Literacy” EARLY RELATIONSHIPS WITH PARENTS Mothers often can’t relate to the boy experience and don’t always handle the transition to adolescence well, not knowing that boys still need physical affection. Several studies prove that fathers’ level of involvement with their children’s care is the most influential factor in the children’s emotional development, and a determining factor in predicting future financial success. A survey of corporate men shows that the number one thing they would wish for their relationship with their fathers is for their fathers to have been closer to them and to have expressed more emotions.

Negative Consequences of Emotional Isolation Anger can lead to a tendency toward violent interactions Emotional distancing can lead to reckless or meaningless sexual relationships Depression can also manifest as extreme anger Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs Withdrawal into depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts or actions Inability to identify & express emotions

The Authors’ Recommendations on What Boys Need: Permission to have an inner life with the full range of emotions Acceptance of their high energy and safe places to express it. Direct, non- threatening language that allows them to be problem-solvers The knowledge that emotional courage and empathy are signs of real strength Discipline that guides and doesn’t punish Role models that exhibit emotional attachment The belief that there are many ways to be a man

Reviewer’s Response Reading this book was a profound experience for me. I so often struggled as a mother to try and understand my son’s perceptions and experiences once he became an adolescent. I found myself laughing, crying and wishing I had read this 10 years ago when it first came out and my son was 12. For teachers, this book should be required. We know how much we can and do influence our students, and that knowledge should be a comfort. We have the ability to impact the emotional development of boys. We can be role models, we can help educate parents, and we can help boys overcome some of the challenges of growing up so that they can be emotionally whole and successful men.