: Getting Thru’ to the Ones We Love
Not always so easy
Things get in the way
Bad habits and lack of skill
Communication Danger Signs
Key Points Even subtle negative patterns can mean trouble for couples. Negative patterns predict the future better than the positive. To build and keep a great marriage, stop, reduce, or never begin negative patterns.
Other things that get in the way
Filters
Filters develop because of what we believe, how we feel, what we’ve experienced and how we grew up
A speaker’s filters can cause the speaker to put a particular spin on what they are telling the listener
A listener’s filters make the listener hear something different than what the speaker said
Six Main Filters
Fear of Getting Hurt
Different Communication Styles
Mismatched Memories
Pay Attention to Your Filters Make sure you have your partners’ full attention Ask your partner if they are ready to talk If a filter kicks in, tell your partner
Try hard not to mind-read or assume the worst Remember your differences in style Discuss things gently and with care
Be respectful
Important ingredients for good communication
Empathic Listening
I want to hear what you’re saying because I know it is important to you and I value our relationship
Keys for Empathic Listening Affirm your spouse, even when you disagree with his or her ideas Share your own ideas only when your spouse feels understood
requires emotional strength Listening…
Anything else?
Safety
When feeling unsafe, people may respond defensively
We won’t say what we are really thinking and often feel disconnected and alone
What do we usually do when we feel misunderstood or not listened to?
Raise our voices Repeat ourselves over and over Argue and attack Stop speaking and give up
Can’t Really Listen
What can we do?
1. Argue Naked!
2. Make it safe to talk
3. Talk without fighting
Speaker / Listener Method A structured way to communicate safely and clearly when you really need to do it well. Not meant to be used all the time! It counteracts all of the negatives.
“The Speaker has The Floor.”
Rules for the Speaker Speak for yourself Make it brief Stop to let the listener paraphrase
Rules for the Listener Paraphrase what you hear Focus on the speaker’s message No rebuttals!
Rules for Both Speaker has the floor Speaker keeps the floor while listener paraphrases Share the floor
The Goal is not agreement is not to solve the problem (yet) is for each partner to feel heard and understood by the other
80%
Problem Solving Model Problem Discussion First Problem Solution
Everyone just wants to be understood!
It what ways might it be helpful to show the speaker that you really heard them?
They won’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the message
They can clarify their thinking
They feel empowered and more able to move on to problem solving
They might be more receptive to listening to you
Review
Rules for Listener 1. Focus on facts and feelings 2. Paraphrase the message back: Ask, “Did I get it right?” 3. No reactions allowed 4. Ask, “Is there more?”
Rules for Speaker 1. Speak for yourself Use “I” statements 2. Pause often 3. Affirm the Listener “That’s right,” or gently correct them 4. Speak a part of the message, then switch
Time to Practice Practice with a low conflict topic: dream vacation extra $500 favorite age as a child dream job what makes a good friend
How Did Practice Go? Questions? Challenges? Comments?