Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood EXPLAIN that you would like to begin this session with a game. Note to Facilitator: This may activity may be skipped, its purpose is to lighten the mood and get participants to start thinking about listening skills. REFER to Trainer Tool 3.1, the Wright Family.

What is the opposite of seeking first to understand? EXPLAIN that Covey believes that communication is the most important skill in life. One of the keys to communicating effectively is seeking first to understand before seeking to be understood. A good doctor will diagnose before writing a prescription. Similarly an effective communicator will first seek to understand another’s views before seeking to be understood. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be affirmed, to be appreciated and to be understood. Habit 5 is about listening and fully understanding another person before speaking and explaining your own point of view. ASK participants what the opposite of seeking first to understand is. EXPLAIN that unfortunately, most people seek to be understood before understanding. People listen with the intent to reply and not to understand, often they are thinking in their heads about what they are going to say next or how what another person is saying relates to them, their experience or what they believe to be true.

“You’ve spent years learning to read and write and years learning how to speak. But what about listening?” Stephen Covey READ quote out loud. Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Consider… Is there anyone in your life who is a good listener? How do they listen? What makes you think of them as having this skill? ASK participants: “Is there anyone in your life who is a good listener? How do they listen? What makes you think of them as having this skill?

Becoming an Effective Listener Stop talking. Don’t interrupt. Ask questions. Stay constructive. Look, act, and be interested. Seek first to understand, then be understood. Be sensitive to the speaker’s feelings, and try to appreciate their point of view. REVIEW tips for becoming an effective listener. REFER participants to Handout 3.2: Becoming an Effective Listener. ASK if participants have any comments or questions before continuing.

Why is listening important for leaders? ASK participants: “Why is listening important?” ALLOW a few moments for participants to discuss. ACKNOWLEDGE each of their responses. REINFORCE responses with key points: The first step in communicating well is hearing what others say. Although it may sound simple many people fail to thoughtfully hear and reflect on other people’s comments. Listening improves morale and builds respect. Thoughtful listening fosters a spirit of learning and collaboration. People who are open to learning from each other know when to listen carefully, when to ask questions, and when to propose ideas. They deal with differing opinions and negative feelings before they cause conflict.

Listening & Leadership Listening is a critical leadership skill. It: Improves morale Builds respect and trust Fosters collaboration and learning Helps to prevent and resolve conflict PRESENT slide. EXPLAIN that: Listening is critical for effective leadership. The people we work with respond differently to us, and to the organization, when they know they are being heard. Listening improves morale, builds respect and trust, fosters collaboration and learning and helps to prevent and resolve conflicts.

Exercise: The Art of Listening REFER to Trainer Tool 3.2: The Art of Listening. EXPLAIN to participants that we will be doing an activity to help us become more aware of our listening habits. FACILITATE the activity, using instructions in Trainer Tool 3.2: The Art of Listening.

How we listen Normally we listen “autobiographically” Our own personal filters are on. We are concerned with the impact of what is being said on our own lives. We fail to step into the shoes of the person speaking. EXPLAIN that Covey suggests most people listen autobiographically, meaning that they listen with their own personal filters—concerned with how what is being said is relevant to them. In this sense the common phrase that “We hear what we want to hear,” seems to fit. Most people do not step into the shoes of the person who is speaking. Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster

Autobiographical responses Evaluate: agree or disagree Probe: ask questions from your frame of reference Advise: give counsel and solutions based on your experience Interpret: explain motives and behaviors of others based on your own motives and behaviors EXPLAIN that because we listen autobiographically, responding autobiographically is quite natural to us. We are trained to be analytic problem solvers. We use these tools unconsciously. Most people respond in one of four ways: Evaluate: You either agree or disagree. Probe: You ask questions from your own frame of reference. Advise: You give counsel and solutions to problems based on your own experiences. Interpret: You try to figure people out—explain their motives and behavior—based on your own motives and behavior. ASK participants to turn to pg 104 of the Covey workbook. READ each example of different responses to an idea about a family vacation. ASK participants which autobiographical response is best represented in each conversation (evaluating, probing, advising or interpreting). EXPLAIN that these types of responses aren’t necessarily always bad. ASK participants: “But are these responses appropriate all the time and in every situation? How do we know we are in sync with the needs of the speaker?” EXPLAIN that these responses can be seen as forcing one’s opinions or ideas onto another. EMPHSIZE that the first step to becoming a better listener is to become aware of your listening patterns. Which of these responses comes most natural to you? Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment—and for a few moments, at least, existing for the other person. -- Michael P. Nichols ASK participants: “What strikes you about this quote?” Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster

Degrees of Listening Within One’s own Frame of Reference Within the Other’s Frame of Reference Attentive Listening Empathic listening Selective Listening Pretend Listening Ignoring EXPLAIN that at the heart of Habit 5, seeking first to understand then to be understood, is empathic listening. There are many different degrees of listening. Sometimes we think we’ve done our job by making an effort to seem interested, or by simply allowing another person to speak. Habit 5 challenges us to go beyond listening from our own perspective to empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening within the other’s frame of reference, or perspective. Most other forms of listening stay within one’s own frame of reference or perspective. Our goal is not only to pay attention but to really try to understand where another person is coming from. GIVE participants an example of each type of listening: Pretend listening: Hilma has earphones on and takes them out so as to seem like she is listening. Selective listening: Hilma is reading the newspaper while I am speaking. Attentive listening: Hilma is listening to what I have to say after I took the newspaper from her. Empathetic listening: Hilma puts her newspaper away and tries to put herself in my position as I am speaking. Source: Covey, S.R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: Simon and Schuster. Covey, S.R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Personal Workbook. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Basic Empathic Listening Skills Rephrase content Reflect feeling Ask questions for better understanding EXPLAIN that you will now discuss and practice the following empathic listening skills: Rephrasing content Reflecting feeling Asking questions for better understanding EMPHASIZE that to listen with empathy you need to do all three.

Rephrase Content Maria: This project is driving me crazy. I don’t know if I’m going to get it finished before I go home for my sister’s wedding. Josephine: It sounds like you have some deadlines you are trying to meet. ASK participants “What do we mean by rephrasing content?” EXPLAIN that when you rephrase content, you put the meaning of what another person said into your own words. You are trying to see things as he or she does—trying to understand things from his or her frame of reference. You are thinking about the content of what is being said and not just about words only. Here is an example. READ example on slide. EXPLAIN that this may sound easy, but sometimes it can be quite challenging. Especially when you have a different opinion from the person you are listening to.

Partner Activity If no gloves are available, should health care workers (HCW) still draw blood, manage deliveries, etc., i.e., without gloves? HCWs who test HIV-positive should not be allowed to work in the hospital. Women who are HIV-positive should not have children. HCWs should be allowed to refuse to take care of HIV-positive patients if they wish. Pregnant patients should not have a choice about HIV testing; it should be mandatory. Note to Facilitator: This slide contains animation. Right click for the scenarios to appear. INSTRUCT participants to get in pairs. Each pair should choose a first speaker and a listener. EXPLAIN that the speaker should choose a controversial topic about which to speak (or use one of the examples below), uninterrupted, for 2 minutes. Participants can choose from the scenarios above if they cannot think of a controversial topic. CLICK for the following topics to appear on screen and read out loud: If no gloves are available, should health care workers (HCW) still draw blood, manage deliveries, etc., i.e., without gloves? HCWs who test HIV-positive should not be allowed to work in the hospital. Women who are HIV-positive should not have children. HCWs should be allowed to refuse to take care of HIV-positive patients if they wish. Pregnant patients should not have a choice about HIV testing; it should be mandatory. ALLOW participants about a minute to think about what they will say, once they have chosen a topic. EXPLAIN that the speaker can express his/her opinion, or can just choose a position to support. The listener should practice active listening, but should not respond verbally. When the speaker has finished speaking, the listener is to summarize or rephrase the content of what the speaker said, taking about 30 seconds. The pairs will then switch roles and repeat the exercise. WRAP UP activity by asking the following questions: Was it more difficult to listen quietly when you disagreed with what your partner said? As a listener, was it difficult to rephrase the content? As a speaker, did the listener rephrase the content correctly?

Reflect Feeling Maria: This project is driving me crazy. I don’t know if I’m going to get it finished before I go home for my sister’s wedding. Josephine: Maria, you sound a bit worried. ASK participants “What do we mean by reflecting feeling?” READ the example on the slide. EXPLAIN that by reflecting feeling we mean emphasizing the emotion of what’s been said through feeling statements, metaphors (“Kind of like . . .” “It’s as though . . “), etc. The reflection of feeling is often regarded as the deepest form of reflection. In general, simpler reflections of content and understanding are used at first, when meaning is less clear, and then you reflect feeling as understanding increases. Jumping too far beyond what was said, however, can turn into an unwelcome interpretation and become a roadblock to good listening and relationship building.

Mix both! Maria: This project is driving me crazy. I don’t know if I’m going to get it finished before I go home for my sister’s wedding. Josephine: Maria, you sound a bit worried about some deadlines you are trying to meet. EXPLAIN that the true effectiveness of empathic listening comes when you combine rephrasing the content with reflecting the feeling. READ example on slide.

Ask Questions for Better Understanding You’re frustrated by your daughter’s lack of respect. Is that right? It seems like you’re pretty upset with Mario. Is that what’s bothering you? Anything else? READ example on slide.

Group Activity SPEAKER: “One thing I know about myself as a leader is . . .” LISTENER: “Do you mean that . . .?” DIVIDE participants into groups of three. EXPLAIN that in each triad (group of three people) participants are to take turns, in rotation, sharing at least three personal completions of the sentence “One thing I know about myself as a leader that I …” The statements should be vague and open to different interpretations. When a speaker has offered a sentence, the other two serve as listeners and respond by asking questions of this form: “Do you mean that you ______________________?” The speaker responds to each such question only with “Yes” or “No.” No additional elaboration is permitted. GIVE participants the following example: YOU: One thing I know about myself as a leader is that I’m organized. PARTICIPANT: Do you mean that you keep your desk tidy? YOU: No! P: Do you mean that you manage your time well? Y: Yes. P: Do you mean that you always know where to find things? Y: No. P: Do you mean that you manage to get a lot done? P: Do you mean that you are a good planner? P: Do you mean that you like having your meetings planned far in advance? Y: …Yes! INSTRUCT the triads to begin this process, generating at least five “Do you mean…” questions for each statement that is offered. When questioning for one statement seems to have reached an end, Trainer has group rotate on to the next person, who becomes the speaker while the other two generate questions. Trainer circulates among groups to reinforce, clarify, give examples, and make suggestions. ALLOW about 20 minutes for this exercise, adjusting time as needed, depending on progress. WRAP UP the activity by asking the following questions: What did you learn? What surprised you What was it like to be the speaker? What problems did you encounter? Usually there are comments here about the speaker’s wanting strongly to elaborate and explain, which is a good illustration of how the reflective process – even at this simple level – pulls for more exploration. EMPHASIZE how many different meanings a seemingly simple statement can have (the number of different “yes” answers), as well as the fact that many early guesses are wrong (“No” answers). EXPLAIN that the following emotions can come up in this activity: Satisfaction. The speaker felt good, understood. Frustration. It is frustrating to say only “Yes” or “No” because the speaker wants to say more. This is a good example of how even this simple level of reflection pulls for self-disclosure. Fascination. It’s amazing how easy it is to miss, and how many different things can be meant. Speakers may have the experience that “it made me think of things I hadn’t considered.” Again, that is an effect of reflection, even at this simplistic level. Source: ITECH Zimbabwe PCCC Curriculum

WRAP-UP activity with the following information: Empathic Listeners: Receive the speaker’s message, without interruption, until the speaker is finished Remain focused on the speaker’s message without piggybacking or stealing the topic Refrain from providing suggestions or giving advice until asked Apply their attention to remembering what the speaker has said rather than formulating a response Know when to listen and when to speak Limit questions that direct the conversation where you want it to go WRAP-UP segment by reviewing key points.