The Other Victims of Pornography Establishing Boundaries with Loved Ones Lili Anderson, Ph D Protecting Children & Families From Pornography November 1, 2003 Lilianderson.com

Effects of Pornography on a Marriage Relationship Loss of emotional intimacy Sexual demandingness Unfaithfulness Loss of common interests and concerns Escalation of negative factors, decrease of positive factors in the relationship Loss of sensitivity

Addictions Experienced by Family Members of Pornography Addicts Patrick Carnes Chemical dependency 42% Eating disorder 38% Compulsive working 28% Compulsive spending 26% Compulsive gambling 5%

Partner Response Grieving Lashing Out Begging/Pleading Grabbing/Holding Appeasement Passivity

Partner may try to compete -- increasing frequency of sex to keep the focus on the relationship The partner ends up feeling more and more objectified as they end up “competing” with pornographic images.

What am I supposed to do?

Deal with Your Emotions Understand that when our basic needs are threatened, anger, pain, grief, fear, stress, and other negative emotions are generated. The most common response to such negative emotions is a combination of – – Expressing the anger – Repressing the anger

Expressing Anger Is damaging to relationships Is not an effective means of communication Doesn’t resolve problems

Repressing Anger Damages the self – “Volcano Effect” – Displacement – Depression – Physiological Problems

Instead of Expressing or Repressing - Emotional Support, then - Rational Problem Solving

Emotional Support Need to achieve “Catharsis” – Cleansing through Expulsion – Comes from Acceptance (not approval) of feelings Three major resources for Catharsis – Trusted Listener – Writing – Spiritual Resources

Rational Problem Solving Need for Information Need for Clear Thinking Need for Commitment

Try to Understand the Problem Roots of the problem are almost always in the past of the addict

Don’t try to understand from a woman’s perspective -- Women are “Crockpots” More focus on intimacy, shared experience and emotional exchange. Men are “Microwaves” Lust builds to become a driving force with pornography addicts.

Women, because of emotional/physical connection are hurt very deeply. Men may have a hard time understanding the depth of women’s pain.

10 Things Women Should Know You are not the source of the problem. 2. You are not responsible for his behavior. 3. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography. 4. You are not the source of the problem. 5. You are not responsible for his behavior. 6. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography. 7. You are not the source of the problem. 8. You are not responsible for his behavior. 9. You have done nothing to cause him to go to pornography. 10. Repeat the above as necessary.

“Confrontation is really your only power.” Marsha Means Author who wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography

Addict’s Response to Confrontation Denial Admission, but refusal to take meaningful steps to address the problem

Next Step -- Confront with “Witnesses” Business partners Friends Clergy Adult Family Members NOT CHILDREN

How far are you prepared to go?

Where there is no direct threat -- Separation should be the exception, not the rule.

You should separate IF you or your children are being: Exploited Victimized Enduring ongoing verbal abuse Enduring emotional cruelty

If separation occurs -- Make it real. Total separation forces a spouse to see what losing his or her family completely would be like.

Be reasonable in your expectations of his or her ability to change Maintain your own standards Believe change can occur and be aware of positive changes

Important “Don’ts” Don’t ignore the signs of your partner’s double life Don’t accede to your partners unhealthy sexual demands Don’t tolerate abusive behavior toward yourself or your children Don’t place yourself at risk for serious disease Don’t cover up for your partner’s behavior by lying or making excuses for him to bosses, coworkers, friends and family