How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk Part II Engaging Cooperation Wednesday April 10, 2013

Helping Children Deal With Their Feelings Empathetic Response, Active Listening Review: ◦ CHILD:“Daddy my turtle died. He was my friend.” ◦ PARENT:“To lose a friend can hurt. I know you really cared about your turtle” How are we doing?

Engaging Cooperation “Even though we’re aware of how much more comforting the empathetic response can be, it’s still not easy to give.” “I discovered that I never listened to my kids before. I’d wait for them to finish talking so I could say what I had to. Real listening is hard work. You have to concentrate if you’re not just going to give a pat response.”

Engaging Cooperation Shifting focus from helping the child, to helping the adult deal with their own negative feelings Much of our parental time is spent helping children adjust to societal norms and behaving in acceptable ways ◦ Saying please and thank you, not yelling in a quiet group situation, using a napkin, brushing their teeth, flushing the toilet

Engaging Cooperation A lot of parental passion is put into helping children adjust to these “norms” It seems the more we are passionate about a situation, the more children seem to resist! Exercise: ◦ Take a minute to think of times in your day when your children resist you.

Engaging Cooperation Methods we use to get children to cooperate ◦ 1. Blaming and Accusing  “Your dirty finger prints are on the door again! Why do you always do that? What’s the matter with you?”  As a child, you would feel ______ if you hear this ◦ II. Name-calling  “It’s below freezing today and you’re wearing a light jacket? How dumb can you get? Look at the way you eat, you’re disgusting!”

Engaging Cooperation Threats ◦ “Just touch that lamp one more time and you’ll be sorry! If you are not finished dressing by the time I count to 3, we are leaving without you!” Commands ◦ “I want you to clean your room right this minute!”

Engaging Cooperation V. Lecturing and Moralizing ◦ “Do you think that was a nice thing to do-to grab that book from me? I can see you don’t realize how important good manners are. What you have to understand is that if we expect people to be polite to us, then we must be polite to other people. You wouldn’t want anyone to grab from you, would you? VI. Warnings ◦ “Watch it, you’ll burn yourself!”

Engaging Cooperation VII. Martyrdom Statements ◦ “Will you two stop that screaming! What are you trying to do to me…make me sick…give me a heart attack? Do you see these gray hairs? That’s because of you. Your putting me in my grave.” VIII. Comparisons ◦ “Why can’t you be more like your brother? Why don’t you dress the way Gary does?”

Engaging Cooperation IX. Sarcasm ◦ “You knew you had a test tomorrow, and you left your book at home? Oh, smart! That was a brilliant idea!” X. Prophecy ◦ “You lied to me about your report card, didn’t you? Do you know what you’re going to be when you grow up? A person no body can trust.”

Engaging Cooperation 1. Describe. Describe what you see or describe the problem 2. Give information. 3. Say it with a word. 4. Talk about your feelings 5. Write a note.

Engaging Cooperation Describe the problem ◦ In a calm voice, explain what you are seeing. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when someone just describes it to you. ◦ When adults describe the problem, it gives the child a chance to tell themselves what to do.

Engaging Cooperation II. Give information ◦ Information is much easier to take than accusation. ◦ “You left the milk out. You can’t leave milk out it will go bad!” ◦ “Milk will sour if it’s left out.” ◦ “Look at all those apple cores in your bed.” ◦ “Apple cores belong in the garbage.” ◦ When children are given information, they usually are able to figure out what needs to be done.

Engaging Cooperation III. Say it with a word ◦ Long explanations do not have the same effect on children as short sentence or single word ◦ Children are less responsive to lectures and long explanations. For them, the shorter the better.

Engaging Cooperation IV. Talk about your feelings ◦ By telling your child how something makes you feel, you are being genuine with them without being hurtful. ◦ Remember: make no comment on the child’s character or personality ◦ Use “I” or “I feel…” statements

Engaging Cooperation V. Write a note ◦ Sometimes things are best left unsaid but written. ◦ “Help! Hairs in my drain, gives me a pain! Glug, your drain…” ◦ For small children, signs or pictures work as well. For example: stop sign in front of door or green light to enter