Sexuality in marriage PART SET Dr MargiAnne Isaia, MD MPH PCC-T DrAnneenthusiasticLife 3

CONCEPTS ”Profound sexual experiences are not measurable by the nerve spasm or muscle contractions that create the physical experience of orgasm”. ”According to The Quantum Model sexual experience includes depth of involvement and profoundness of sex, intimacy, desire, and sexual style”. “Feelings have a bigger impact on genital function and orgasm than do physical stimulation”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

CONCEPTS “Intimacy seems to develop through conflict, self-validation and unilateral disclosure”. “Long-term intimacy within marriage hinges on validating yourself rather than ‘trusting’ your partner to make you feel safe”. ”Intimacy is the two-prong process of confronting yourself and self- disclosing to your partner”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

CONCEPTS “Emotional gridlock is the point where you are unwilling to adapt to each other and unwilling to confront yourself”. “At the point of emotional gridlock you can have the choice to confront yourself and become more differentiated”. “The sexual crucible approach is using the connection between intimacy, sexuality and differentiation to facilitate the growth necessary to free you from emotional gridlock and experience profound sex and intimacy”. ”Differentiation has positive ramifications outside the relationship”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

The common belief that hormones and human sexual fulfillment are positively correlated, made youth start sexual activity prematurely and aging adults consider all kind of medication and devices in order to help increase the quality of their sexual life. With the Hormonal Model approach the human sexual behavior wasn’t seen as a natural potential that could be fulfilled by lifelong development. REACTIONS

The perspective of Quantum Model changes the ways of addressing the sexual dysfunctions and preventing marital conflicts. Understanding that emotional stimulation determines genital function helps the sex therapists see the importance of integrating marital therapy while treating sexual dysfunctions. Unresolved emotional issues hinder the process of sexual fulfillment and make inefficient any sex techniques. REACTIONS

Intimacy does not necessarily involve acceptance and reciprocity from one’s partner, but it keeps the communication open and makes the partners be aware of their separateness. In the same time, the fact that a person developed a self-validated intimacy makes her be calm and enjoy sexual fulfillment when the partner doesn’t have the same intimate experience. REACTIONS

Other –validated intimacy by taking into account the expectation of reciprocal disclosure, acceptance and validation from one’s partner creates the conditions for emotional gridlock which stops the process of differentiation, promotes the anxiety and aggravates the sexual dysfunctions. From all of the four choices you can have at the point of gridlock, being able to confront yourself and become more differentiated is the one which is worth taking. REACTIONS

It is important to keep the pace with your partner’s increasing importance to you because only in the process of self-validating intimacy it is possible to grow. In fact, in the process of self-validation the dynamic in your relationship changes: you “hold onto yourself”, take care of yourself, respect yourself, and end up in respecting your partner. In order for you to make this transition it takes faith and determination. REACTIONS

This is why it is said that “intimacy is not for the faint of heart”. It takes courage to be you, to see not only the emotional but also the spiritual dimension of the relationship in order to live life in its fullness. While working for yourself and the quality of the couple relationship, the miracle happens: all other relationships you are involved in are transformed. REACTIONS

Show that the Hormonal Model of sexual fulfillment misses the concept of intimacy which is one of the most important aspects which makes sex meaningful. Make the couple aware of the fact that sexual style is just a component of sexual experience. Show the developing aspect of the sexual potential. IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST

Make sure the couple works on their anxieties while working to solve their sexual dysfunctions. Help the couple explore the connection they have as sexual partners. Challenge them to reduce the situational distractions. Present the concept of “emotional contagion” and “emotional gridlock” as essential ones in treating sexual difficulties. IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST

Help them explore the conditions which created emotional gridlock in the past in order to decrease them and eliminate from their experience. Make the partners understand that the process of change is gradually, but once it starts, it will continue with serious and determined effort from both. Motivate the couple to see the impact of their personal work onto the couple relationship and beyond. Help them see how the relationship transcends and enriches their life. FOR SEX THERAPIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

Make the parents understand their role in providing children with the correct information regarding the human sexual behavior and the right time to start sexual activity. Explain the components of the sexual experience and the importance of every one of them. Address the issue of emotional connection as a contributor to the high quality of sexual experience. FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

Teach methods of expanding the psychological dimension which brings beauty to the sexual experience. Explain the concept of emotional gridlock and address the situations which create it. Discuss the importance of differentiation for overall couple’s life quality. Prepare them for the self-confrontation and show its importance for self- differentiation. FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

Challenge them to do the critical transition: “letting go of the partner” and “holding on him/her” as a way toward growing. Inform them that this is a gradual process, is very difficult, but it is valuable because it will impact all of their relationships. FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

Explain the concept of sexual potential and its correlation with sexual fulfillment. Show the importance of brain maturation in the process of developing intimacy in a relationship. Show the advantages of starting the sexual activity at the right time and help the student to decide what the right time is for him. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

Make the student understand his capabilities to integrate emotions and spirituality in the sexual experience in order to having a “high meaning” sexual experience. Explain the student the association between the level of differentiation and emotional connection. Teach the student how to deal with his own frustration and anxieties. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

Present the concept of Emotional Siamese Twins and its impact on the quality of relationship. Equip the student with the skills for self confrontation in order for him to succeed in the process of increasing his self-differentiations. Show him/her the benefits on making the faith leap from other-validation to self-validation. Empower him/her for this difficult process. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

CLASSICAL AUTHOR “We need a constant sense of the ennobling power of pure thoughts and the damaging influence of evil thoughts. Let us place our thoughts upon holy things. Let them be pure and true, for the only security for any soul is right thinking.” EGW --Lt 123, (HP 164.) {1MCP 235.4}