Working with Difficult People Dr. Jim Guinee & Charlotte Strickland February 19, 2009

Conflict at the Office

What do we mean by “difficult people?” What do we mean by “difficult people?”

What do we mean by “difficult people?” The Big Baby What do we mean by “difficult people?” The Big Baby

What do we mean by “difficult people?” The Lazy Dog What do we mean by “difficult people?” The Lazy Dog

What do we mean by “difficult people?” My way or the highway What do we mean by “difficult people?” My way or the highway

What do we mean by “difficult people?” Doom and gloom What do we mean by “difficult people?” Doom and gloom

What do we mean by “difficult people?” The sound of silence… What do we mean by “difficult people?” The sound of silence…

The most difficult person?

Helpful strategies A. The problem with personalizing

Helpful strategies A. The problem with personalizing Problem 1: You can see behavior but you cannot see what’s behind it cannot see what’s behind it Problem 2: The default mode may be stuck

Helpful strategies B. Fundamental attribution error “Don’t judge my outsides with your insides” “Don’t judge my outsides with your insides”

Helpful strategies Building on A, one must be careful not to confuse internal and external factors Q: Are you having a bad day, or are you just that mean? just that mean?

Helpful strategies C. The Principle of Least Intervention “An ounce of prevention…” “An ounce of prevention…” All big firesstart out small

OFFICE CONFLICT You work in an office where the microwave is used frequently, and isn’t getting cleaned. The next time you go to use it, it is filthy. You work in an office where the microwave is used frequently, and isn’t getting cleaned. The next time you go to use it, it is filthy. What do you do? What do you do?

Helpful strategies D. Self-talk is Good Medicine D. Self-talk is Good Medicine

Helpful strategies EXAMPLES: EXAMPLES: “My therapist says this is not about me, this is about you.” “You’re going to wear yourself out being that nasty.” “Thank you for sharing your anger, I’m not allowed to accept gifts.”

Helpful strategies E. Own the problem

Helpful strategies E. Own the problem Solve the problem vs. Win the argument Decrease defensiveness, increase receptivity FORMULA: "I have a problem. When you ______ (specific behavior), then _____ (specific consequences) happens, and I feel ___. And I don’t like that.“

Helpful strategies F. Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledge

Helpful strategies F. Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledge Q1: How much does this person know? Q2: How much does this person care? [Tip: Answer the questions IN ORDER] Q: Which one do you have control over? Q: Which one do you have control over?

Helpful strategies G. Keep your sense of Humor

Self-Assertion laced with humor

Helpful Strategies H. Spiritual Solutions

Helpful Strategies H. Spiritual Solutions James 1:19 Be slow to speak and slow to become angry Matthew 5:4 Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you

Helpful Strategies I. Don’t forget the Counseling Center

Helpful Strategies I. Don’t forget the Counseling Center We offer services that are: Cost and Collusion-free ConvenientConfidentialCompassionate

OFFICE CONFLICT Your supervisor frequently asked you to perform non-required duties, duties which fall on other staff members but somehow you wind up being ask to cover for them. Your supervisor frequently asked you to perform non-required duties, duties which fall on other staff members but somehow you wind up being ask to cover for them. Complaining to your supervisor has resulted in absolutely no change. Complaining to your supervisor has resulted in absolutely no change. Now what? Now what?

I tried it, it didn’t work  I tried it, it didn’t work  When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person): When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person):  Deal with it  Leave the relationship, leave the environment

I tried it, it didn’t work  I tried it, it didn’t work  When faced with an immoveable obstacle: When faced with an immoveable obstacle:  Change your behavior  Change your attitude Is this fair? No. Is this fair? No. But who said life was fair? But who said life was fair?

Final Comments Final Comments