How to get your kids to listen to you – and you to them! Sara Hitchens

Two types of communication Relationship oriented When children come to you with problems Task oriented ‘please do your homework’ ‘tidy your room’ ‘make your bed’

Oh no! I forgot to do my science homework… Do you rush to the rescue? ‘I could write a note for your teacher to explain…’

Oh no! I forgot to do my science homework… Do you give wise advice? ‘If you’d checked your homework diary, you wouldn’t be in this position …’

Oh no! I forgot to do my science homework… Do you try to cheer them up? ‘Oh well, never mind … time for bed anyway’

You don’t have to solve their problems… Or keep them happy all the time… But you can help them ‘think it through’ … and turn a problem into a learning experience

If you listen to your child, she is more likely to listen to you XWhen a child is not feeling listened to, they are more likely to whine or shout to get your attention

‘Just listening’

ACTIVE LISTENING Give TIME and FULL attention Acknowledge feelings – SHOW you understand Accept - be curious – ask open questions Put their thoughts and feelings into words – hearing it reflected gives them perspective Allow them an opportunity to solve the problem

Oh no, I forgot to do my science homework… My friends are ignoring me on facebook…

Task orientated communication What stops YOU listening?

A primitive response

WHERE? Communicate from close by – don’t shout from the next room Get down to the child’s height and make eye contact

HOW? Use an up-beat and encouraging tone Sound definite and confident Look definite and confident! To indicate disapproval, use a firmer, authoritative tone (but don’t shout)

THE WORDS YOU USE? Be polite – you are the role model Open your request with your child’s name Be positive (not negative) Make requests clear, short and specific Avoid phrasing that suggests cooperation is an option Use ‘I’ messages

ADVANCED SKILLS! Make a statement or give information Write a note – use humour Describe how you feel Offer a choice or give alternatives Use ‘when… then’ Close the discussion

THE GOLDEN RULE Praise and reward cooperation

AVOID! x ABC: Accusing, Blaming; Criticising x Ordering x Lecturing x Name calling, put downs x Threatening x Nagging x Losing it yourself!

If you could give your parents advice… Don’t say ‘You can tell me anything,’ then freak out and lecture us when we do. Don’t say things like ‘are you still on the computer?’ or ‘are you eating again?’ when you can see that we are. Parents should believe in us. Even if we do something wrong, it doesn’t mean we’re bad people. Even though your kids aren’t little anymore, tell them you love them.

Thank you!