Grief Counselling Excerpts from Sue Smiley’s course on Grief Counselling, July 2008.

Grief: Is about loss. (Not only death) There is lots of ambiguous loss out there that you will never get a sympathy card for. There is lots of ambiguous loss out there that you will never get a sympathy card for. Emotional investment = Grief. Emotional investment = Grief. Death Happens at every stage of development. (Taught the nice linear model that places death at the end of a long life and old age.) Death Happens at every stage of development. (Taught the nice linear model that places death at the end of a long life and old age.) Kids don’t get to talk about death (or sex). They get excluded (‘it will upset them’). Kids don’t get to talk about death (or sex). They get excluded (‘it will upset them’). Mourning is a huge target for value judgments. Mourning is a huge target for value judgments. Grief is hard work. It is not pretty, and the only way out is IN. “Lean into it.” Grief is hard work. It is not pretty, and the only way out is IN. “Lean into it.” Grief is patient and persistent. We sometimes use the opportunity to grieve when others are experiencing grief time. Grief is patient and persistent. We sometimes use the opportunity to grieve when others are experiencing grief time. Grief can seem to come in stages/phases however it is not a linear process. Grief can seem to come in stages/phases however it is not a linear process.

Rules of Grief Grief always hurts more than you think it should. Grief always hurts more than you think it should. It always hurts far longer than you think it should. It always hurts far longer than you think it should. Grief makes you tired – Sleep more. Grief makes you tired – Sleep more. It makes you cranky – be mindful of the people you’re around. It makes you cranky – be mindful of the people you’re around. It makes you feel stupid – you’re not, and this is not permanent. It makes you feel stupid – you’re not, and this is not permanent. It can make you think that you suck or the world sucks. It’s lying. It can make you think that you suck or the world sucks. It’s lying. After a while, the acute phase passes and you miss the person with less pain (?). After a while, the acute phase passes and you miss the person with less pain (?). Robin Shapiro Robin Shapiro

A word on time… The only thing that time really does is pass. What matters most is what you do with your ‘grief time’. The only thing that time really does is pass. What matters most is what you do with your ‘grief time’. Learning does not necessarily come from experience, but from reflecting on experience. Learning does not necessarily come from experience, but from reflecting on experience.

Myths about suffering and celebrating Can anyone have pleasure without pain? Somehow we bought into the idea that pain and pleasure are separate, and one is desired and the other must be avoided. But pain and pleasure are inseparable and they can be celebrated. Birth is painful and delightful. Death is painful and delightful. Everything that ends is also the beginning of something else. Pain is not a punishment. Pleasure is not a reward. Can anyone have pleasure without pain? Somehow we bought into the idea that pain and pleasure are separate, and one is desired and the other must be avoided. But pain and pleasure are inseparable and they can be celebrated. Birth is painful and delightful. Death is painful and delightful. Everything that ends is also the beginning of something else. Pain is not a punishment. Pleasure is not a reward. Sue Smiley Sue Smiley

Meaning Making We are a meaning making species. We are a meaning making species. We search to find meaning, even in the senseless. We search to find meaning, even in the senseless. When you co-construct a survival story, you are forming a resolution duet with the client to transcend their original story of grief. (called re-authoring in narrative therapy). Will the client emerge as the hero of their own life? Listen for the survivor and the hero in the tragedy. When you co-construct a survival story, you are forming a resolution duet with the client to transcend their original story of grief. (called re-authoring in narrative therapy). Will the client emerge as the hero of their own life? Listen for the survivor and the hero in the tragedy. Identity/sense of self rests in our ability to tell a coherent narrative of our past experiences, current circumstances and future dreams. Identity/sense of self rests in our ability to tell a coherent narrative of our past experiences, current circumstances and future dreams. With Grief, the narrative fabric of our lives is torn. With Grief, the narrative fabric of our lives is torn.

Meaning Making Continued.. Adopt a position of not knowing. The client is the expert of their story. You are a witness to the story, not a filter. If you think you know, you will not ask more questions. Be curious about the particulars. More detail will help the client to develop their thoughts. Adopt a position of not knowing. The client is the expert of their story. You are a witness to the story, not a filter. If you think you know, you will not ask more questions. Be curious about the particulars. More detail will help the client to develop their thoughts. Serching for meaning does not mean we need to ask “why” questions. Whys can be very hard to answer and they can make a client feel defensive and rob them of their expertise in their story. Serching for meaning does not mean we need to ask “why” questions. Whys can be very hard to answer and they can make a client feel defensive and rob them of their expertise in their story. You will not save people. You will witness them. There is meaning creating in the witnessing. You will not save people. You will witness them. There is meaning creating in the witnessing.

Meaning Making Questions Ask questions that encourage clients to find their own answers. Ask questions that encourage clients to find their own answers. First LISTEN to and HONOUR the grief story. First LISTEN to and HONOUR the grief story. Ask: Ask: - What have you discovered in this experience? - What have you found out about yourself? - What keeps you going through this difficult time? - What lessons about life have you been learning? - What beliefs are sustaining you at this time? - What values have been affirmed by this experience? Capitalize on ‘good struggle’ moments and become a more excited listener as these moments present themselves. Capitalize on ‘good struggle’ moments and become a more excited listener as these moments present themselves. Celebrate the PROCESS! Not the happy outcome! Celebrate the PROCESS! Not the happy outcome!

Reframing The story of loss is the story of survival, it’s not always obvious though. People get stuck. The story of loss is the story of survival, it’s not always obvious though. People get stuck. The language we use is negative: a breakdown, a relapse, a set back, etc… The language we use is negative: a breakdown, a relapse, a set back, etc… Reframing is not just a ‘pollyanna’ moment. You need to know when and how to use it. What is the purpose of these events? Was the wound just deeper than you/we realized? Can it be a breakthrough, a revisit or pause, or a return (need a break from going forward)? Reframing is not just a ‘pollyanna’ moment. You need to know when and how to use it. What is the purpose of these events? Was the wound just deeper than you/we realized? Can it be a breakthrough, a revisit or pause, or a return (need a break from going forward)?

Tools Sometimes with grief there is no effective language and no easy way to verbalize what is being felt/experienced. Use helpful tools that do not focus on the use of ‘talk’ therapy. Sometimes with grief there is no effective language and no easy way to verbalize what is being felt/experienced. Use helpful tools that do not focus on the use of ‘talk’ therapy. Metaphors Metaphors Art therapy Art therapy Mask making (exploring masking behaviour). Mask making (exploring masking behaviour).