Responding to Teasing, Conflict and Bullying Christa M. Tinari, MA Peace Praxis Training and Consulting St. Maximilian Kolbe School October 4, 2010

Learning Objectives zExplore the differences between teasing, conflict and bullying zLearn how to help your children handle these issues zUnderstand the prevention and intervention strategies implemented at the classroom and school levels

Behaviors Pyramid Fighting Conflict Bullying Intentional Teasing Unskilled/Unintentional Disrespect ThreatsSocial Exclusion

Definition Of Teasing Criteria for determining teasing: Sarcasm, unwanted nicknames, taunting Making fun of difference May be done for peer attention/laughs Boundary-testing Both students may be actively involved Causes embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety, anger

Definition Of Conflict Criteria for determining peer conflict: Perceived incompatibility of needs, wants, goals Specific to a particular issue/incident Behavior is focused on goal, not harm Happens between relative equals, and does not create lasting power imbalance May evoke frustration, anxiety and anger Many choices for solving the problem Problem may be worked out together

Definition Of Bullying Criteria for determining bullying: Physical, emotional, relational acts of intimidation and aggression Repeated, over time Harmful intent towards victim Creates or reinforces power imbalance Results in humiliation, anger, anxiety, fear, injury, physical symptoms

YOU DECIDE Teasing? Conflict? Bullying?

Preventing Teasing  Develop empathy and perspective-taking o Asking “how does it feel to be made fun of?”  Teach the difference between “having fun” and “making fun”  Challenge popular culture/media  Rules and consequences for teasing o Family Pledge

Challenging Pop Culture/Media  Monitor TV, movies, magazines, etc.  Watch with your children and question events, do a reality test  Don’t let pop culture have the last word!  Review ground rules for social networking (Facebook, etc.)  Become tech savvy!

Family Pledge  Create your family pledge together  List behaviors that will convey love and respect (no put-downs!)  Discuss what might be challenging  Discuss how to help one another  Decide how broken promises will be addressed (Apology of Action)  Check in about the pledge periodically

Apology of Action  Ask your child to reflect on how his/her behavior has impacted another  Do not require child to make a verbal apology  Give your child the responsibility to “right” the wrong through an action (show me)  Check back about what happened

Responding to Teasing  Pretend you don’t hear it & disagree in your mind  Give a “you’re crazy” look and walk away  Use an assertive statement o I don’t like to be called that. Please stop.  Sort of agree (That’s possible, but…)  Claim it as a strength ( My outfit is awesome, thanks)  Join another group Don’t boomerang!

6 Ways to Handle Conflict  Accommodate- give in  Avoid- don’t address  Compete- fight for what you want  Compromise- each person gets some of what they want  Collaborate- work together so that everyone gets what they want  Appeal to a 3 rd Party- another person helps or decides

Skills for Conflict Resolution  Stop & Think  Assertive Language  Listening  Apologizing  Brainstorming  Choose a Solution

Talking About Conflict  How do you feel about what happened?  How do you think the other person feels?  What would you like to see happen?  What could you do to solve the problem?  Let’s practice what you will say/do...  Who can you go to at school for help?

Talking About Bullying  Listen empathetically and calmly  Offer praise and recognition  Find out about your child’s specific concerns  Rehearse words and actions  Encourage your child to report  Contact the school

Teaching Students to be Upstanders  Model and teach empathy  Discuss upstander behaviors and language  Role play bullying scenarios- practice upstander behaviors and language  Develop help strategies  Enlist support from other bystanders  Get help from an adult; report  Support- buddy, empathize, etc.

Upstander Behavior  Respects people, even those who are ‘different’  Befriends students who are new to the group  Refrains from teasing, gossip and bullying  Uses humor, assertion and social influence to discourage others from teasing & bullying  Speaks out when others are mis-treated  Reports situations to adults and gets help

Upstander Language Said to the teaser/bully:  Some people might think that’s funny, but I don’t/it’s not.  You’re going too far.  Not cool!  It’s not ok with me when _____ feels upset.  Stop (name the behavior) now.  Do you really think that’s a good idea? I don’t.

Upstander Language Said to the target:  It’s not ok with me when _____ does that.  Come play with us.  You don’t deserve that treatment.  I’m sorry that happened. Do you want help?  Have you told a teacher about this? I think you should. I’ll go with you.

Classroom Practices  Classroom Pledge/Charter  Morning Meeting/Social Skills Instruction  Cooperative Groups  Character Education  Conflict Resolution Lessons (S.T.A.R.)  Bullying Awareness/Upstander Practice  Apology of Action/Responsibility

School-wide Prevention  School climate team/counselors  No put-downs campaign  Staff training in bullying awareness, prevention & intervention  Discipline policies  Strategic staff presence  Reporting procedures  Recognition for Positive Behavior

Parent-School Connection  Reinforce expectations and messages  Model the desired behavior  Communicate!  Make a plan/follow-up/check-back  Focus on empowerment  Work together on solutions

Together, we can reduce teasing, conflict and bullying, reinforce respectful behavior, and create a safe, caring, productive school for ALL students.