BULLYING 101: A PRESENTATION FOR PARENTS Given by Robert Constantino & Kerry DiSimone

Definition of HIB According to the NJ 2011 Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights  "Harassment, intimidation or bullying" means any gesture, any written, verbal or physical act, or any electronic communication,  whether it be a single incident or a series of incidents,  that is reasonably perceived as being motivated either by any actual or perceived characteristic, such as race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, or a mental, physical or sensory disability, or by any other distinguishing characteristic…

HIB Definition (cont’d) According to the NJ 2011 Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights  that takes place on school property, at any school-sponsored function, on a school bus, or off school grounds  that substantially disrupts or interferes with the orderly operation of the school or the rights of other students and that:  a. a reasonable person should know, under the circumstances, will have the effect of physically or emotionally harming a student or damaging the student's property, or placing a student in reasonable fear of physical or emotional harm to his person or damage to his property;  b. has the effect of insulting or demeaning any student or group of students; or  c. creates a hostile educational environment for the student by interfering with a student’s education or by severely or pervasively causing physical or emotional harm to the student.

Bullying Happens in Four Ways  Verbal  Teasing, jokes, ignoring/isolation, gossip, threats  Physical  Blocking someone’s path, physical restraint, pushing/kicking, hazing  Sexual  Teasing, touching, slapping, pictures, s, graffiti, sexual assault  Property  Hiding belongings, theft, arson, extortion, vandalism, destruction

The Dynamics of Bullying BULLYBYSTANDERVICTIM

Bullies  Aggressive Bullies  Most common type – Physically strong, impulsive, hot-tempered, confident, lacks empathy  Motivated by power and the desire to dominate others  Passive Bullies (Anxious Bullies)  Tend to be insecure, are far-less popular than aggressive bullies, have low self- esteem, unhappy home lives  Won’t typically initiate a bullying situation but readily joins in once one is under way  Bully-victims  Small percentage who have been seriously bullied themselves  More likely to be both anxious and depressed  Typically provoke others who are weaker than they are

Victims  Passive Victims  Do not directly provoke bullies  Socially withdrawn, often seem anxious, depressed, and fearful  Few, if any, friends – lonely and sad  Provocative Victims  Often behave in ways that arouse negative responses from those around them, such as anger, irritation, and exasperation  Possess a cluster of characteristics that are likely to disrupt a classroom and lead to social rejection by peers, including irritability, restlessness, off-task behavior, and hostility

Bystanders  Most students fall into this category  Are afraid to associate with the victim  Fear reporting bullying incidents  Experience feelings of guilt and helplessness  Are drawn into bullying behavior  Feel unsafe HAVE THE MOST POWER TO CHANGE THE BULLYING SITUATION!

Is My Child a Target? The Warning Signs…  Reluctant to go to school – complains of illness/headaches before school  Does not want to ride school bus  Experiencing a sudden drop in grades  Coming home hungry (missing lunch)  Experiencing nightmares, wetting the bed, having difficulty sleeping or excessively sleeping  Refusing to leave home  Waiting to get home to use the bathroom  Acting nervous when an unfamiliar child approaches  Showing increased anger or resentment with no obvious cause  Talking about feeling lonely or about difficulty making friends  Reluctant to defend himself/herself when teased or criticized  Bruised, cut, or bearing scrapes that are not easily explained

What Can You Do to Help?  Do not over- or under- react  Do not dismiss the experience  Do not place blame on the child  Encourage child to talk about the incident  Provide extra support and encouragement  Encourage child to talk to another adult  If possible, encourage child to stay away from the bully as school deals with the situation.

Discussion Prompts  Trying to have your child say more than “Greg was mean to me” can be a feat. Try these questions to get more specific information:  What would an instant replay of what happened look like?  Describe what other people saw and heard during the incident.  Why today? Why do you think he/she bullied you?  What was the most frustrating part of the experience?  If this happened again, what would you do differently?

Tattling vs. Telling  If it will only get another person in trouble, then don’t tell me.  If it will get you or another child out of trouble, tell me.  If it is both, I need to know. TattlingTelling

Is My Child a Bully? The Warning Signs… [Adapted from Why Doesn’t Anybody Like Me? (Marano, 1998)  Positive views towards violence/ aggression  Marked need to control and dominate others and situations  Manipulates the relationships of others (to be mean)  Hot tempered, impulsive, easily frustrated  Often test limits or break rules  Good at talking their way out of difficult situations  Show little sympathy toward others  Quick to interpret accidents or other neutral events as deliberate acts of hostility  Have two or three friends who are also aggressive

What Can You Do to Help?  Take problem seriously  Question and listen attentively  Seek reasons behind bullying behavior  Make it clear that conduct must stop immediately

What if My Child is a Bully? Ways to get your child back on track…  Teach your child how to handle frustration  Make sure aggressive behaviors are recognized as such  Teach your child better ways to handle anger  Model non-aggressive behaviors for your child  Teach your child conflict resolution skills  Shake up your interaction with your child

The Importance of Empathy  Model an awareness of how others may be feeling and your reaction to their emotions  Repeatedly ask these questions: How is that person feeling? How can you tell he/she is feeling that way? How would you feel if it happened to you?  Help your child become more effective at reading the body language, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication of others

Empathy is the cornerstone of building and maintaining successful relationships.

Bullying vs. Peer Conflict  Equal power or are friends  Happens occasionally  Accidental  Not serious  Equal emotional reaction  Not seeking power  Remorse-will take responsibility  Effort to solve the problem  Imbalance of power  Repeated negative actions  Intentional  Physical or emotional harm  Unequal emotional reaction  Seeking control/material things  No remorse-blames target  No effort to solve the problem Normal Peer ConflictBullying

Answers to the Bully Quiz

Q&A Time