Arrow of Truth Conflict Resolution By Bradley D. Brown

Before we begin I have an issue to clear

Brick Story By Judy Zerafa

The Secret The Book The Movie The Law of Attraction Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill What I think is why it is! –Rosa Mazone

5 8 Traits of Successful People A feeling of being lucky A dreamer – a sense of greatness Hard worker – long hours – persistence Enthusiastic A sense of urgency – a “Go- Getter” A risk taker – not afraid to fail High self-esteem A belief in God By Charles “Red” Scott

6 7 Keys Successful People Know Have a Positive Attitude - Karma Believe in Yourself Build Positive Habits Make Wise Choices Set and Achieve Goals Use Your Imagination Every Day Persistence By Judy Zerafa –

7 Vision Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. –Japanese proverb

8 Get to Know Everyone Study and understand Myers Briggs and LIFO tests Take the Birkman test Figure out who you are, and who those around you are Who will you work best with? Put EVERYONE “in your house”

9 Treating People as People “Leadership and Self-Deception” –Out of the box – I see myself and others as we are – people –In the box – I see others as objects, not as people Self-Betrayal –An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another –When I betray myself, I see the world in a way that justifies this –When I do this, my view becomes distorted, I enter the box –I may end up carrying my box with me –In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification – we collude in giving each other reasons to stay in the box

10 In Your House The Cycle –Learning, making improvements, learning more, etc. Prize people –Give the best projects to Why do you not include everyone in your house? –Perceived intelligence, color, race, creed, religion, eye color –Do you immediately judge a person and what you think about them the minute you meet them? –Are you human? If you are, you do. –Do you group or profile people based on certain characteristics?

11 Don’t let people beat you down… If you’re good, people (competitors) will constantly try to undermine you – when you see this behavior, you’re good! The military is famous for this In college, the people I loved were the dead beats…I knew I would never need to compete with them It takes an effort to be negative, don’t do it – water cooler talk isn’t productive, don’t get sucked in Don’t fall for the Steve L “test”

12 Laugh and Love Often Laugh often, long and loud Laugh until you gasp for breath Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever Your home is your refuge Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity

13 Integrity Do what you say you’ll do 100% of the time Know what you believe and stand for it Be a living example Do as I do, not just as I say If I say I’ll be there, I’ll be there

14 Arrow of Truth – Conflict Resolution The Specific Facts are… My Judgment is… –I Think… –In My Opinion … That Makes Me Feel… And I Specifically Want… Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You…) Is There More? Are You Clear About This?

Works best / May Not Work.. Personal situations Close groups One-on-one Proactive You’re sure you’re not the problem Constructive Autocratic boss Co-workers Unclose Group Pent up situation Lots of baggage

Sticks and Stones …may break my bones, but words will never hurt me… Not true! Truth is that harsh criticism, snide sarcasm, nasty nicknames and thoughtless gossip and rumors can inflict deep and long lasting harm on individuals and relationships.

Challenge to you… When tempted to say unkind things about another – either to them or behind their back – ask yourself: –What is your point and purpose? –Is there anything good that can come from your remarks? –Could your words create or reinforce negative opinions that could be harmful or hurtful?

Absolutely Forbidden Never say anything that is hurtful because it CANNOT be taken back – ever!

Elephants under the lampshade We all have them Issues or conflicts with one another or with an entire group It’s best to clear these up Allows you to maximize your experience with the group, an individual or your family

Issues with Who? Could be with spouse, children, siblings, parents, business associates, partners Cleared up might not mean resolved, it could mean they are just brought into the open

Symbolism may be effective Arrow Some people are uncomfortable with the arrow

Timing Beginning of key meetings Family Meetings Open arrow policy Works when people don’t know the process too

Group Clearing Best when everyone’s in a circle, no table in the center If one member [A] has an issue with another member [B] –[A] invites [B] to join him/her in the middle of the circle –If [A]’s issue is with the entire group, he/she asks one person [B] to represent the entire group and invites [B] to join him/her in the center of the circle

Mirroring is Key! The success of any conflict resolution model hinges on the participants’ ability to mirror the statements and emotions of each other without becoming detoured by innate defense mechanisms [A]’s job is to present the issue, including his/her feelings, judgments and wants [B]’s job is to listen attentively and to reflect back to [A] what [A] has said

Steps to Success The Specific Facts are… My Judgment is… –I Think… –In My Opinion … That Makes Me Feel… And I Specifically Want… Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You…) Is There More? Are You Clear About This?

Detailed Example Mark lives three hours from the site of meetings yet always arrives on time. Tom lives fifteen minutes from the meeting location and has arrived 5-15 minutes late for the last several meetings Tom is normally apologetic when he arrives late, and then makes excuses (e.g., complains about the heavy traffic or the last minute phone call he had to take) Mark has had enough of Tom’s excuses and wants to get clean on this issue Mark invites Tom to the center of the circle

Statement of Facts Tom, I have an issue regarding your punctuality at our group meetings, and I want to get clean with you about this.” {Beginning of The Facts} Today, you arrived 15 minutes after the designated start time, last month you arrived 30 minutes late, and three month’s ago you were 20 minutes late. Three month’s ago you called the moderator to say you would be late, but there have been no calls to the moderator or anyone else prior to the last two meetings. You paid a fine and said you were sorry. I live 3 hours from the meeting site and have arrived on time for the last four meetings.

The Feelings Tom, When you arrive late like this, it makes me feel angry. It has been eating at me and I haven’t been a full contributor because of it.

The Judgement When you arrive late like this it makes me think that you don’t care about me or the other members of the group. It seems you are putting your own priorities ahead of ours. I hear you say you’re sorry, but since the problem continues, I don’t believe you. I question your commitment to this group.

The Wants Tom, First, I wanted to get this off my chest. I also want to hear from you your level of commitment to this group and your commitment to be on time to future meetings.

The Defense to Avoid Most people in Tom’s position tend to craft their defense strategy while Mark is still speaking. They may launch into a litany of excuses or retaliate with anger toward Mark rather than mirroring to Mark the facts, feelings, judgments and wants related to the issue. To do this in a clean fashion, Tom would respond as follows: “Mark, let me see if I have this straight. First I would like us to get very clear on the facts. I do agree that I was fifteen minutes late today and twenty minutes late to the last meeting, but I believe it was only fifteen minutes three month’s ago. I have indeed paid fines for being late, so it looks like, with the one correction, we agree on the facts.”

Reflection “I see that you are angry about this. You believe that I am putting my priorities ahead of the group and that I am not really committed to the group. You question whether or not I’m really sincere when I say I’m sorry. You want to get this off your chest. And you want to hear my commitment both to the group and to be on time for subsequent meetings. Do I have this correct?”

Mark’s Response Mark then has a chance to respond. If Tom responded incorrectly, the two continue a dialog until Tom has mirrored back correctly all of Mark’s feelings, judgments, and wants. Notice that Tom is simple mirroring back to Mark He is neither making excuses nor making a retaliatory attack. It is important that Tom reflect accurately Mark’s view of the issue. Tom does not have to agree with Mark’s view, he must simply reflect it back. After this mirroring, Tom gives Mark a chance to get completely clean using the following statement: –Mark, is there anything else you want to say about this?

More Frustration? Often, Mark will discover some other frustration around the issue that needs to be spoken. Sometimes Mark will have the insight that the particular issue is merely a symptom of a much deeper issue in Mark’s life, unrelated to Tom.

Is the Issue Cleared? Often, after Mark’s issue has been reflected back to him the tension is dissipated completely. Resolution of the issue may or may not occur at this time. The important thing is that the issue has been surfaced totally and that Mark believes he has been heard. Tom may or may not pledge his/her commitment both to the group and to being on time for subsequent meetings. This is often worked out between the two of them outside of the group meetings.

General Structure Reviewed The two parties discuss the issue in the center of the group The moderator or another group member may offer word coaching to the two members [A] states the facts around the issue [A] states how he feels about the issue [A] states his/her judgments around the issue [A] states what he wants [B] mirrors back the facts and gets agreement with [A] about these facts. Note that the only thing that [A] and [B] must agree on is the facts [B] mirrors back [A]’s feelings, judgments and wants related to the issue [A] verifies that [B] has indeed heard him correctly [B] asks [A] if there is anything else that [A] wants to get clean about The two parties dialog as above until [A] has aired all of his/her feeling, judgments and wants and [B] has mirrored them back to [A]’s satisfaction. [B] may then respond directly to [A]’s wants or set a time when the two of them can seek to resolve the issue. Resolution does not have to occur during the group meeting. Often, [A] just wants to be heard about the issue … to get it off of his/her chest. Venting the issue to [B] in front of the group is often all that is wanted.

More Key Examples Start thinking of your own examples… Paige and San Diego Austin and his Grades Kristen and Neighbor Family Meeting w/ Parents and Kids

Let’s hear your examples now… Confidentiality Reminder

Confidentiality You are sworn to secrecy What we say here about other people –doesn’t leave here You can share the process –but not the specific examples If you can’t agree to this…

Format… The Specific Facts are… My Judgment is… –I Think… –In My Opinion … That Makes Me Feel… And I Specifically Want… Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You…) Is There More? Are You Clear About This?

The Rule of “Not” Almost always, when a person starts a sentence with a negative clause, you can bet the opposite is true. Examples: –“I’m not angry, but … “ –“I don’t really care if you take off on Friday … “ –“I didn’t mean for you to ….. “ –“No, no, I’m just fine … “

42 The Train Trip “Red” Scott’s Train Trip Take a day or even 2 Finish these lists

43 Lifetime Goals Write down the top goals you hope to achieve in your lifetime Again, not necessarily in order You have 1 minute…go

44 Next 5 years Write down the top things you would like to accomplish in the next 5 years Any order, streaming You have 1 minute…go

45 Revisit the Lists Put an X by the 3 most important things you value, lifetime achievements, and 5 year goals You have 1 minute…go Circle top 1…go Write a “To Do” list for each “X”

Conclusion Resolution is NOT necessary! Listen - use good mirroring Don’t forget to ask “Is there more?” This process works…