Mental & Emotional Tool Kit for Life

Ray Mathis www.itsjustanevent.com

YouTube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts 1-13

“Any job is easy if you use the right tool”

Tool #1 To recognize and appreciate the important role Emotion plays in everyday life

E – Motion can be helpful Energy to Move

Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion More than is necessary or helpful More than we’d like to have More than we know what to do with More than is healthy for us A type and amount that works against us instead of for us

Makes us REACT to life instead of RESPOND to it

It makes us less Response-ABLE

Response-Ability Ability to respond to life instead of react to it

It can make otherwise smart people do stupid things

Behavior starts and continues because it serves a purpose It’s always goal-orientated

Mistaken Goals Get us off course Get some immediate satisfaction Less likely to get what we really want in the long run

Tool #8 To recognize when you and others have Mistaken Goals

Mistaken Goals Attention (love, acceptance, approval, respect) Power (control) Revenge Avoidance of Failure Withdrawal-Avoidance-Relief

Dysfunctional Amount of Emotion Gives purpose to unhealthy, self-defeating behavior Driving force behind behavior intended to satisfy mistaken goals

The more Emotion someone generates The more purpose it serves The more driven people are

My Goal Today Teach you how to have truly effective Emotional Management

Tool #2 Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA)

SHAME When you believe you aren’t living up to your own or someone else’s Expectations

There are always plenty of Expectations from Parents Teachers Coaches Friends Religion Society

Plenty Plenty of = of Expectations Opportunities for young people to feel SHAME

Too many young people are even told “You should be ASHAMED of yourself”

Please don’t ever say that to YOUR kids Teachers never should

Alcohol abuse Drug abuse Suicide Primary Disturbance SHAME can be the primary feeling people seek relief from by Alcohol abuse Drug abuse Suicide

SHAME is often the reason students shut down in school and eventually drop out

Secondary Disturbance SHAME is also makes people Keep what they think and feel a secret Less likely to ask for or accept help that’s available

Lots of bad things happen because people keep secrets

How keeping secrets hurts Irrational thoughts get rehearsed “Like a broken record” Thoughts go unchallenged Develop cognitive “RUTS” Becomes automatic to think that OPINIONS start to feel like FACTS

Suicide #3 cause of death for teens Is that decision usually based on FACTS or OPINIONS about themselves and their life?

“My life sucks” “I can’t take any more of this” “It’s never going to get any better” “They’re never going to stop” “I’m never going to feel better” Facts or Opinions?

“Shame blocks change” Dr “Shame blocks change” Dr. Albert Ellis It keeps people from making changes they could and might need to make

SHAME can lead to Anxiety Anger

ANGER gives people a false sense of Power Righteousness Permission Protection

Turtles or Rattlesnakes

Low Self Esteem SHAME + ANXIETY about about the past the future

Part of the solution is U.S.A.

Anything you think, feel, say or do is perfectly UNDERSTANDABLE

That does NOT mean it’s Helpful (rational) Healthy Acceptable to others

Put other people through exactly what you’ve been through And they’d probably end up thinking, feeling and doing what you do (And maybe even worse)

We all do the BEST we can at the time Given what we’ve been through And the situations we find ourselves in

Regardless of what you think, feel, say or do You’ll never be the first You’re never going to be the last You’ll always have a lot of company It’s part of being human

No one’s perfect Everyone makes mistakes

We’re all FHB’s Fallible Human Beings Dr. Albert Ellis

Who at times think, feel, say and do things that make our lives worse instead of better

It’s nothing to be ashamed of

Unconditional Other Acceptance (UOA)

Benefits to you Can still dislike what others say and do Less likely to take what others say and do personally Generate a lot less emotion

Tool #3 To develop an Internal Locus of Control

Locus of Control Where you see your feelings coming from What you see as the cause of them

External or Internal

Understandable Part of being human

The Problem You make how you feel depend on events, other people that you can’t and don’t CONTROL

The end result You feel worse than you need to, for longer than necessary You miss many opportunities to feel better

The real formula for feelings Event + Thoughts = Feeling

Thoughts cause feelings, not events

a + b = c constant variable 5 + 6 = 11 5 + 9 = 14 5 + 3 = 8

Feeling Event + Thoughts = Feeling (constant) (variable) Feeling

Dr. Albert Ellis ABC Theory of Emotions A = Activating Event (Adversity) B = Beliefs C = Consequences (Feel, Do)

Event + Thoughts = Feeling > Do a + b = c Activating + Beliefs = Consequence Event (feel, do)

Anxiety is a figment of IMAGINATION

It’s about things that haven’t happened yet Things that could, but often never do

Anxiety DISORDER Spend too much time in their IMAGINATION instead of dealing with the Here and Now

To combat anxiety Staying in the NOW Step 1: “That might happen, but it hasn’t happen yet” Step 2: “And if it does, I’ll deal with it” “Like I have before” “Like other people do”

Cognitive Choices How we LOOK AT things What MEANING we attach What we REMEMBER about the past What we IMAGINE will happen next What we FOCUS on What we COMPARE things to What we EXPECT (self, others, life) How much IMPORTANCE we attach What we spend our time THINKING about

Event + Thoughts = Feeling Choices

Power Choices = and Control over your Emotional Destiny

“You make me mad” is like saying YOU get to decide how I’m going to feel instead of ME

External Locus You give away the power and control you DO have You give others power and control they DON’T really have

People are always misspeaking about the way their feelings come about

If we keep misspeaking Keep feeling worse than we need to Miss opportunities to feel better

Semantic Precision and Correctness

People don’t make us mad We make ourselves mad Anger comes from inside us not outside

School, a job, and other people don’t stress us out We stress ourselves out by the way we choose to look at things Stress comes from inside us not outside us

People can’t and don’t put pressure on us We put pressure on ourselves Pressure comes from inside us not outside us Including Peer Pressure

No one can hurt our feelings

Sometimes Because of what we THINK About someone and what they say and do to us We make ourselves feel hurt Hurt comes from inside us not outside us

People can’t and don’t make us happy We can’t and don’t make them happy

“A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be” Abraham Lincoln

Feelings, Stress, Pressure come from inside us Not outside us

Event + Thoughts = Feeling Everything others say and do and that happens is just an EVENT

That is NOT intended to be DISCOUNTING of a tragic event in your life There’s a SCIENCE to this but also an ART to it

It’s OUR choice…. How we look at things What meaning we attach What we remember about the past What we imagine will happen next What we expect (ourselves, others, life) What we focus on What we compare things to How much importance we attach What we spend our time thinking about

And given that Thoughts cause feelings, not events Event + Thoughts = Feeling Choices

Then logically, It’s OUR choice how we want to feel

Furthermore No one upsets us, we upset ourselves We’re responsible for how we feel, not others It’s not their problem if we feel bad, it’s ours It’s not their job to make us feel better, it’s ours

It does NOT mean… You shouldn’t feel the way you do It’s your fault you feel that way There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way It’s okay others said or did what they did You’re making a big deal out of nothing

It simply means there will always be more than one way to look at anything

Whatever way we pick will always be perfectly understandable Given our life experiences

But some ways will make us feel BETTER And others will make us feel WORSE

Some will make it EASIER to deal with things Others will make it HARDER

And We always have a CHOICE

And The way we choose to look at things will never change what happened

Tool #9 Evaluating your thoughts, feelings, actions with regard to your life goals

Question 1 What do you really want? How do you want to feel?

Question 2 How’s it working for you Question 2 How’s it working for you? To think, feel, say and do what you do now?

Question 3 If you keep thinking, feeling, saying and doing what you do now Will it be easier or harder in the future?

Question 4 If someone else thinks, feels, says or does that Are you likely to get what you want from them, with them? To feel the way you want to?

Me: “How am I suppose to look at things Me: “How am I suppose to look at things?” Jerry: “Right now you’re looking at having those kids in your class as being a problem. Why not look at it as a challenge, or opportunity to prove you’re as good a teacher as you and I both think you are?”

When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it. Problem When something happens, and you don’t like it, which is it? Problem? or Challenge? or Opportunity?

My MINDSET It’s not a PROBLEM It’s just an EVENT

As a Teacher It’s what I get paid to deal with And I’m supposed to know how to deal with kids better than others I take pride in being able to

With everyday life It’s just something I have to deal with Like I have many times before Like I probably will again in the future Like other people have, and do every day

Take pride in doing so Better than others around you Better than you did before

But remember that if you struggle That’s part of being human And nothing to be ashamed of

Self-Esteem People can’t and don’t make us feel bad about ourselves They can’t and don’t make us feel better either

Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I Child versions of self-defense “I know you are but what am I?” “I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and stick to you” “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”

“I know you are but what am I” >>>>> Protected “How dare you Lose say that?” >>>>>>>> Protection

Adult version “You can think or say whatever you want about me BUT It’s my choice how I look at myself AND It’s my choice how I want to feel about myself”

“And you don’t get to make those choices for me Unless I let you And I choose NOT to”

“Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms “Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms. To choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. To choose one’s own way.” Dr. Victor Frankl Holocaust Survivor

Your last freedom is your Attitude

No one can get inside your head unless you let them You don’t want to let people live there rent free It takes practice to get good at keeping them out

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder So is feeling GOOD or BAD

“Life is Mind-Made” Dr. Chris Eisenbarth

Internal Locus of Control Recognize what you do and don’t control Focus on and work with what you do

The truth is…. We can’t control what OTHERS think, feel, say and do We only control what WE think, feel, say and do

Internal Locus of Control Avoid taking unnecessary responsibility for how others make themselves feel

You’re responsible for what you say and do But not for how others make themselves feel about it

It’s THEIR choice…. How THEY look at things What meaning THEY attach What THEY remember about the past What THEY imagine will happen next What THEY expect (self, others, life) What THEY focus on What THEY compare things to How much importance THEY attach What they spend their time thinking about

It’s THEIR choice how THEY want to feel

Tool #4 Recognize Irrational Thinking

Why it’s important Thoughts cause feelings, not events Attitude is always the father of behavior

Irrational means Makes you feel worse than necessary or helpful Causes you to do things that make your life worse

Dr. Albert Ellis Irrational Thinking Demandiness Awfulizing Can’t Stand It-itis Label and Damning

Demandiness

We need air water and food We have to have them They are necessities to life We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks if we don’t get them

Do we need LOVE the same way we need air, water and food?

How about the acceptance, approval, respect of others?

Rule #1 You have the right to want whatever you want

Mistakes people make Start to think they NEED things they simply want Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES Start to DEMAND what they simply desire

Perceived Need We think we need something And it’s nice to have But we’re NOT going to die if we don’t get it We CAN live without it

Understandable Part of being human

We have to be judicious about the way we use words like Need Have to Can’t Should Shouldn’t

Rule #2 The bigger the difference between your expectations and reality the more emotion you’ll generate needlessly

You can make The feeling Pronouns Demands of end up with that are used Others Anger You, They He, She -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anxiety Self Shame, Guilt I Loneliness ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Depression Life Boredom This, It Anxiety

Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare…. + Brainstorming Demands He, She This They, You I It How dare… + How could… + + + Can’t + + + Shouldn’t + + + Need (to) + + + Have to + + + Should + + +

The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want The Essence of Anger They HAVE TO (should, must) do what I want! They HAVE TO (should, must) be the way I want them to be! How old does that sound?

That’s why Dr. Ellis used to say Anger is a Temper Tantrum

Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt

Anxiety-producing thoughts about parents I have to (need to, must) make them happy I can’t disappoint them I have to (need to) make them proud of me I can’t let them down I have to (need to, must) please them I can’t upset them like I did in the past I have to (need to, must) do what they want

The essence of Anxiety I HAVE TO be perfect and do everything perfectly all the time (self) Everything HAS TO go exactly as I planned or want it to (life)

Remember Demands of Yourself Before Event After Event Anxiety Shame, Guilt

SHOULD Others Yourself Life Anger Shame Depression Guilt Boredom Loneliness

SHAME, Guilt thoughts I should have done better I shouldn’t have gotten so many wrong I should be doing more with my life I should be doing better in school I shouldn’t being getting bad grades I should know how to do that by now I should be able to do what others can I shouldn’t have done that I should know better

As a general rule It’s not good to SHOULD on yourself or others

The Essence of Depression My life SHOULDN’T (can’t) be the way it is This SHOULDN’T (can’t) be happening to me

Depressive thoughts It (life) shouldn’t be so hard I shouldn’t have to deal with this It (life) should be easier that this It’s not fair (and life should be)

Dr. Albert Ellis Depression is a Quiet Temper Tantrum

Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they Demands in the form of questions Anger How dare they...? = They can’t How could they…? = They shouldn’t Shame, Guilt How could I….? = I shouldn’t have

Remember Attitude is always the father of behavior

Rule #3 When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people do stupid things

Rule #4 Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference

Awfulizing

“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” My grandfather

Rule #5 You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to

If you truly couldn’t stand it Die (physically) Go crazy (mentally)

-itis = inflammation You needlessly INFLAME yourself

Can’t Stand It-itis

Label and Damning

Label and Damning Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED Can Label & Damn others or yourself

Tool #6 A step-by-step approach to troubling life events

Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2 D Dispute (correct) 4 E Effective Coping Statement 5 F Functional Amt. of Emotion G Generate Options H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

Tool #5 Correcting Irrational Thinking

Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2 D Dispute (correct) 4 E Effective Coping Statement 5 F Functional Amt. of Emotion G Generate Options H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

Strategy 1 The Scientific Method

Thoughts Theories and = and Comments Hypotheses About the way life is or should be

The Basic Questions Does the evidence of everyday life support your theory or hypothesis? Or does it refute it? Does it suggest a better theory or hypothesis?

They can’t tell me what to do VS They can do whatever they want

Strategy 2 Fact or Opinion?

They can’t tell me what to do VS They can do whatever they want

Strategy 3 Demands in the form of questions How dare they. EASILY Strategy 3 Demands in the form of questions How dare they...? EASILY! How could they…? EASILY! How could I….? EASILY!

How dare they talk to me like that. How could they not get this How dare they talk to me like that? How could they not get this? How could I have made such a mistake? How could you/I be so stupid?

Strategy 4 Simple but direct Questions

Demandiness

They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that They need to to apologize for that Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?

If you start your answer with “Because… If you start your answer with “Because….” Then anything that follows is the wrong answer

What are the right answers. Why do they need to do that What are the right answers? Why do they need to do that? Do they need to do that like they need like air, water, food? They need to, or you just want them to? They need to, or you’d just like them to?

They have to apologize for that Why do they have to They have to apologize for that Why do they have to? They have to, or you just want them to? They have to, or you’d just like them to?

They can’t say things like that Why can’t they They can’t say things like that Why can’t they? They can’t, or you just don’t want them to? They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?

I have to get an A Why do you have to. You have to, or just want to I have to get an A Why do you have to? You have to, or just want to? You have to, or would just like to?

I can’t get a B or a C in this class Why can’t you I can’t get a B or a C in this class Why can’t you? You can’t, or just don’t want to? You can’t, or just wouldn’t like to?

It’s enough to simply really WANT to do something HAVE TO often ends up being too much of a good thing

Strategy 5 Use I-Messages

Tool #7 Use I Messages to assert yourself

Old They need to apologize for that New I want them to apologize for that I’d like them to apologize (BUT, no one has to do anything)

Old I have to get an A New I really want to get an A I’d really like to get an A (But I don’t have to)

Old They can’t say things like that New I don’t want people saying that I don’t like when people say that (BUT people can say and do whatever they want to)

Old I can’t get a B or a C in that class New I really don’t want to get a B or C I really don’t like getting B’s or C’s (BUT it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did)

Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be Practice talking the way you want to think

Awfulizing

It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful It’s really awful that they said that Why is it so awful? Is it awful, or just unpleasant? Is it awful, or just inconvenient? Is it awful, or just uncomfortable? Is it awful like having cancer?

Can’t Stand It-itis

I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it I can’t stand when people do things like that Why can’t you stand it? Are you going to die or go crazy? You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?

Label and Damning

They’re jerks for saying things like that about me Why are they jerks just because of that? They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing? They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like? They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest of us?

Dr. Albert Ellis A Activating Event 1 or 2 B Beliefs (recognize) 3 C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2 D Dispute (correct) 4 E Effective Coping Statement 5 F Functional Amt. of Emotion G Generate Options H Healthier, Happier, Hopeful

Effective Coping Statements It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel

Tool #10 Understand why change is hard and what it takes

Cognitive, Emotional & Behavioral RUTS

It becomes AUTOMATIC to think, feel, say or do something

RUTS Why people recreate their past It’s why peoples’ history becomes their destiny That could be a good thing or a bad thing

Very Important Once RUTS get created you can’t get rid of them You can only make NEW ONES

Make a new connection or pathway To change we need to Make a new connection or pathway To think, feel, say and do things differently Use it untils it becomes a RUT And can compete with your old ones

You can always slip back into your old RUTS

Understandable Part of being human

“The problems of man are man-made. They can be solved by man” John F “The problems of man are man-made. They can be solved by man” John F. Kennedy

Active Parenting Event > Think > Feel > Do > “Problem”

“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it” Albert Einstein

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You Tube Channel: itsjustanevent Mental and Emotional Fitness Parts #1-13