Kim Allen, PhD

 Poor communication  Financial problems  A lack of commitment to the marriage  A dramatic change in priorities  Infidelity

 Failed expectations or unmet needs  Addictions and substance abuse  Physical, sexual or emotional abuse  Lack of conflict resolution skills

 The legal divorce —  The emotional divorce —  The economic divorce —  The co-parental divorce —  The community divorce —  Published aul Bohannan (1970),

 Set aside time to meet as a family  Plan ahead of time what to tell children  Stay calm  Plan to meet again

 1. Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children.  2. Avoid arguing in front of the children—discuss co- parenting issues when children are not present.  3. Plan how pick-up & drop-off will take place and follow the plan, but be willing to change the plan if needed.  4. Reassure children that conflict and divorce are not their fault.

 1. Avoid using the child as a messenger—discuss parenting and financial issues directly.  2. Have a plan for dealing with the child’s unexpected expenses.  3. Avoid discussing child support issues with children.  4. Update the parenting plan as children’s needs change.

 1. You will not be replaced if you stay involved in your child’s life.  2. Avoid asking questions that make children feel like spies.  3. Avoid using parenting time as leverage or a way to try to control the other parent.  4. Consider what role potential new partners should have in the lives of your children before bringing a new partner into the child’s life.

 1. Make time for yourself when children are with the other parent.  2. Transitioning between households is stressful for children. A routine with built-in “down time” helps.  3. Differences between households are to be expected. It is impossible to control what happens in the other parent’s household.  4. Children need to feel loved and have consistent routines and responsibilities in each household.

 Clear, non defensive communication  Use "I" statements  Patient listening  Plan what you are going to say next  Understanding and mutual respect  Stay Calm

 Many stepfamilies are born of loss (divorce, death, separation). Stepfamily members may be dealing with unresolved grief. Children grieve the loss of their first family, even if there were a lot of problems.  Stepfamilies are not always formed after a death or divorce. Some stepfamilies are formed when a never-married parent marries a new partner who is not the biological parent of the child. 

 Each family is coming to the stepfamily with its own history, routines, and traditions.  Children are often members of two households  It generally takes 4-7 years for a stepfamily to stabilize.  Children are especially likely to experience loyalty conflicts when a parent is not supportive of the child's relationship with the stepparent or vice versa

 Stepparent-stepchild relationships go more smoothly when the stepparent acts as a friend, rather than a parent toward the stepchild in the beginning and supports the biological parent.  Family transitions are difficult for both younger and older children  Stepparents do not automatically have legal rights to authorize medical care or have access to school records, among other rights

 All materials for this Power Point came from the University of Missouri Extension Publications, including:  GH6600, Helping Children Understand Divorce GH6600, Helping Children Understand Divorce  GH6602, Dealing With Divorce: A Guide to Coping Activities for Children GH6602, Dealing With Divorce: A Guide to Coping Activities for Children