Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills Will be as important as any other

Relational Dialectics Theory Leslie Baxter 1988, 1990, 1993

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. Erma Bombeck

Assumptions of Relational Dialectics Opposing forces ( tensions) Normal parts of relationships We respond to these in patterns

Three Relational Dialectics Autonomy Connection continual source of friction Novelty Predictability Openness Closedness unbridled expressiveness intolerable

How do we respond? Neutralization – compromise Selection – priority given to one dialectic Separation – situational Reframing –most complex

Tom and Mary have been in a monogamous romantic heterosexual relationship for three years while in college. Both are graduating in May and Mary has been asking Tom questions about what will happen after graduation. Mary wants to know where they will be moving and what the plans are for their future. Tom has been telling Mary that everything depends upon where he will find a job and where he will be working and he doesn’t want to make any specific plans until he finds a stable job. Mostly Tom listens because he has trouble getting a word in when Mary brings up the topic. Mary understands the idea of looking for career stability but has been experiencing a lot of frustration and sometimes anxiety about Tom’s wanting everything in place before they make plans. Mary’s anxiety comes from Tom’s saying he wants to be together, but he hasn’t done anything to look for a job. Mary hasn’t shared her frustration with Tom because it might upset him-she is hoping he will just recognize it. The real reason Tom is cautious about making future plans is because he doesn’t really know if Mary is the one he wants to spend his life with and he doesn’t know how to tell her he is unsure.