the experiences of partners of sex addicts “GASLIGHTING” & TRAUMA: the experiences of partners of sex addicts Silvia V. Jason & Jennifer L. Graves September 2011

About me Became a psychologist in native Chile in 1994 Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas in 2002 Certified Trauma Resolution Therapist (CTRT) Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) Sex addiction practice “Healing & Hope”- Houston, TX - women, men, couples Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Partner Trauma Model Gaslighting: theory & research Clinical Implications Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Neglected, Misunderstood, And even Harmed. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Neglected

Gender / Cultural issues Family of Origin Issues Partner Trauma Reactions Family of Origin Issues Single Concept Misunderstood Codependency

Harmed

Empathy failure

What has been missing: Partner as primary client: Focus on her issues. Her recovery is crucial for her as an individual. Her recovery becomes as important as the addict’s. Her recovery is crucial for the survival of relationship. Her first commitment is with herself and her own recovery, not with supporting the addict’s recovery. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

What has been missing: Partner Trauma = Sex addiction as Trauma Stressor for the Partner Sex Addiction, both before and after the crisis of discovery, creates a traumatic injury in the Partner’s sense of self and frame of reference. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

What has been missing: Integrated approach: Multi-causality Gender influences Diversity: not everybody present same symptoms Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

What has been missing: Empowerment "The first principle of recovery is the empowerment of the survivor. She must be the author and arbiter of her own recovery.” -- Judith Lewis Herman Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Partner as protagonist.

Partner Trauma Recovery Model Partner Trauma Survival Responses: Recent and Long-standing Love/Relationship Addiction Five Core Symptoms of Codependency Other issues: Addictions Mental health problems Family of Origin: Dysfunctional relationships Past trauma Gender Influences Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Partner Trauma Recovery Model Essence of Trauma: the abrupt disintegration of one’s inner world (Janoff-Bulman, 1992). Trauma affects the individual’s basic personal identity including their values, beliefs, and reality. “Large T” vs. “Small T” Trauma “large T” trauma – a specific event such as rape, war combat, a natural disaster, or torture “small T” trauma – a series of upsetting experiences with a common theme, such as being lied to repeatedly, that cumulatively build to create a traumatic experience

PARTNER TRAUMA relational trauma shattered inner emotional trauma world emotional trauma PARTNER TRAUMA life crisis sexual trauma

Partner Trauma Recovery Model Five Dimensions of Partner Trauma relational trauma – Attachment Injury - includes the violation of trust, dishonesty, infidelity, or betrayal of any intimate relationship. life crisis – trauma symptoms - “Large T” Trauma – individual, impactful traumatic events: Discovery & Disclosure. sexual trauma - symptoms akin to sexual abuse – affecting self image and partner’s sexuality shattered inner world – trauma threatens beliefs about self, partner, intimate relationships emotional trauma – “Small T” Trauma - includes patterns of denial of reality and emotional abuse used by the addict to protect the addiction.

Partner Trauma: Entryway to Treatment Partner Trauma Recovery Model Partner Trauma: Entryway to Treatment Silvia Jason © 2011

Gaslighting Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

1944 mystery-thriller film Director: George Cukor Writer: Patrick Hamilton (play) 1938 Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslight (1944) “A story that reveals a man’s secret and unholy desires… … and probes into the strange emotional depths of one woman’s heart.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

What is Gaslighting? Refers to a variety of insidious techniques that cause people to question their perceptions, their memory, and their own grip on reality. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Dorpat 1996) An individual (or group of individuals) attempts to influence the mental functioning of a second individual by causing the latter to doubt the validity of his or her judgments, perceptions, and/or reality in order that the victim will more readily submit his will and person to the victimizer. Two Characteristics: One person attempts to control the feelings, thoughts, or activities of another. The practice is carried out covertly. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Engel 2002) A partner who does this may continually deny that certain events occurred or that he or she said something you both know was said, or he or she may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying. In this way, the abusive person may be trying to gain control over you or to avoid taking responsibility for his or her actions…. It is sometimes used… as a way to justify their own inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behavior. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007) The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: The gaslighter: has an agenda keep a secret meet his needs to be right be in control keep his power in the relationship takes action to cover up behaviors he does not want his partner to discover his intentions Silvia Jason © 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007) The gaslightee: allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality she idealizes him seeks his approval wants to believe him wants his love and protection she's reluctant to blame him for it or to see him differently she'd rather preserve her romantic image of the perfect husband. Silvia Jason © 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007) The gaslighter needs to be right, the gaslightee needs to win his approval, and so the gaslighting goes on. When confronted with an issue that threatens his agenda, Gaslighter reacts by trying to control the feelings, thoughts or actions of Gaslightee. denying issue: it’s her imagination other explanations a plot to hide her own actions or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help her suspicion, lack of trust and accusations are the actual issues causing the couple to have distance in the first place. Silvia Jason © 2011

Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007) In so doing, the Gaslighter pressures the victim into accepting the Gaslighter’s judgment, and causes the Gaslightee to doubt her own perceptions and judgments. This is all done covertly and is not explicitly hostile, abusive, or coercive. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Examples of Gaslighting If a wife were to ask her husband if he is having an affair, a textbook Gaslighter response would go something like this: “How could you believe I would ever have an affair? You must be preoccupied with an affair yourself! You’re just being suspicious!” The Gaslighter has denied the issue, accused her of trying to hide her own actions, and is blaming her for the problems in the relationship. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Examples: “When you accuse me of things that I pride myself with always upholding, it makes me not want to be around you!” “That's what our distance and unhappiness is all about, right there! You are always thinking I'm having an affair!” “Your disbelief in me is what has come between us!” “If you could just believe in me, everything would be the way it was before.” Silvia Jason © 2011

From a Partner: “My husband used to look at women when we were out, and say ‘What is SHE wearing?!’. He lead me to believe that he was disapproving of, or shocked by, what women wear in public now days. Years later, during disclosure, he confessed he did this to be able to look at women without me complaining about it” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Husband’s behavior: sexualizing other women in public. His agenda: to continue doing it and to avoid conflict with partner. When confronted, he admits he was looking, but says “he is not enjoying the view, he is just shocked”. Confirms part of wife’s perception, but lies about his motivation. Partner believes his explanation, there is a grain of truth in the story. he is not denying he is looking some women do dress to get attention he is being honest after all he is as shocked as I am by women’s outfits even though I’d rather him not to look at other women, at least he doesn’t do it out of lust He has manipulated partner’s reality. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Our research: “Gaslighting” and Trauma: the Experiences of Partners of Sex Addicts Our Research questions: How do sex addicts utilize gaslighting? What is the impact of gaslighting on partners, particularly as it relates to trauma? Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Dimensions of Gaslighting (Jason & Graves 2011) Deception - to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid; to give a false impression Coercion - to compel to an act or choice; to achieve by force or threat Manipulation - to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Dimensions of Gaslighting (Jason & Graves 2011) Mind Games - a psychological tactic used to manipulate or intimidate Brainwashing - a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting ideas; persuasion by propaganda or salesmanship Reality Manipulation – attempts to convince others through manipulation that what they perceive or believe in is inaccurate or untrue.

Our Research Design Survey targeted at the partners of sex addicts. 57 Questions Mostly Open-Ended Demographics, Addiction and Treatment Info, Interactions and Experiences Emailed an invitation to many people in the COSA / SAA community in Houston via various list-servs. Hard copies were given during workshops, therapy sessions, and support group meetings. At least forty-two partners started the survey and twenty-four completed the survey in its entirety. Our data comes from these 24 completed surveys. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Demographics Sex Male 0% (n=0) Female 100% (n=24) Race White/Caucasian   Male 0% (n=0) Female 100% (n=24) Race White/Caucasian 87.5% (n=21) Black/African-American 4.2% (n=1) Hispanic/Latino 8.3% (n=2) Asian-American Other Household Income Below $20,001 $20,001 - $40,000 $40,001 - $60,000 20.8% (n=5) $60,001 - $80,000 $80,0001 - $100,000 16.7% (n=4) Over $100,000 54.2% (n=13) Education Less Than HS HS or GED Some College College Degree 50% (n=12) Graduate Degree 37.5% (n=9) Age Mean: 47.13 Length of Partner’s SA Awareness Mean: 6.3 Years Percentage of Respondents in Treatment 75% (n=18)

Gaslighting Is Very Common! Behavior Percentage of Respondents Who Agree Deception 91.3% (n=21) Coercion 50% (n=12) Manipulation 87.5% (n=21) Playing Mind Games 83.3% (n=20) Brainwashing Reality Manipulation 62.5% (n=15) Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Redirecting Blame Imagination and Faulty Thinking Needs Psychiatric Help Character Flaws Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Partner’s Problems: Redirecting Blame “He has the ability to turn anything around back at me and confuse me.” “When I would question him about his behavior he would become angry, defensive and focus blame on me.” “He would twist things around and try to say that whatever he was doing, I was doing.” “My husband would get angry with me if I didn't want to have sex and start to blame me for his behavior.” “He would try to turn things around on me and make it my fault.” “When he feels guilt or shame for things he has done, he is good at shifting the focus off of him and putting blame and doubt of myself into my head.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Partner’s Problems: Imagination & Faulty Thinking “He tried to make me think that he had stopped [acting out] and all of this was in my imagination.” “He used to tell me my feelings were wrong, that my emotions were faulty and that I had bizarre thinking.” “He would tell me I was crazy…. That I was wrong and all men did these things.” “[He made] me think that my perceptions of reality were not real.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Partner’s Problems: Needs Psychiatric Help He was always “telling me I had problems and I needed to see a therapist.” “[My partner would tell me] that I’m the problem… and I need to work a better program.” He told me I needed to “work my steps.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Partner’s Problems: Character Flaws “My partner left the country with the company's accountant because he said she was terminal and wanted to give her the time of her life. He said I was being selfish for not letting him go.” “He convinced me I was unreasonable/insecure to not want him to associate socially with his ex-wife.” “He tried to convince me that my feelings of something being ‘not quite right’ were about me and my problems of trust.” “I am shrill and blaming so that gives him a ‘right’ to act out.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Respondents’ Experiences Partner’s Problems: Character Flaws “So as not to smell like smoke from a bar, my husband would change clothes to go to a bar and change back into what he wore that morning to come back home in. He would also take a shower at work if necessary before he came home. This had me convinced that since he worked in an unairconditioned metal building much of the day but didn’t smell when he came home, that I had some unusual problem with body odor because I would smell… [if I] did anything outside even though I slathered on deodorant every morning.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Effects of Gaslighting (Stern 2007) Anxiety Confusion Doubting Own Memory & Perception Second Guessing Reality Three Stages: Disbelief - thinking she has misunderstood, or that the gaslighter didn't really mean it. Defense - she starts defending herself. Search for evidence to prove gaslighter wrong and argue with him obsessively, often in her head, desperately trying to clear things up. Depression - exhausted, overwhelmed, worn out. Discard own reality. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Effects of Gaslighting Gaslighting  “Small T” Trauma “They [his deceptions] didn't make sense. Sometimes he was convincing and I felt like I was going crazy.” “To think that I trusted someone and could have been so completely fooled by them is scary. It makes me doubt myself and doubt my judgment, which I used to think was pretty good.” “He belittled me by telling me that I was rude to other people. I believe now that he did that to try to change my behavior. He did this to me countless times…. I still struggle with trying to figure out if I am rude or not.” “He blamed me and my actions in other areas when he acted out, like I was not sexual enough. I truly came to believe that I was not good enough sexually and that my sexuality was my only valuable commodity.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Effects of Gaslighting Partners frequently utilized words similar to those used by trauma victims such as anger, devastation, betrayal, shock, guilt, sadness, powerlessness, and shame to describe how they felt after being gaslighted. “[After his deception] I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, and shame.” “I was completely shocked and devastated and also angry at him for lying.” “I was angry…. Felt hopeless and disempowered by his insistence that these behaviors were harmless.” Some respondents even utilized words like abused or threatened. “I felt abused, stupid, like I set myself up.” “I felt scared, threatened, sad, alone.” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Clinical Implications Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting as part of Addiction Process Active addiction involves a degree of gaslighting. Emotional abuse (Carter, 1989): 1% intentional 20% semiconscious – defense mechanism Most people – occasionally, unconsciously, unintentionally The process of gaslighting results in symptoms for the gaslightee. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Partners Recovery Partners need to heal from Gaslighting trauma: Identify past gaslighting episodes. Identify the patterns of gaslighting in relationship. Identify situations in which gaslighting is more likely to happen. Identify things Partners say or do before and during gaslighting incidents. Identify power plays or manipulative actions before and during gaslighting incidents. Identify the ways Partners seek gaslighter’s approval and insist on his reassurance. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Partners Recovery Partners need to learn strategies to handle Gasligthing incidents. Partners need help and support through the process. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery Sex Addicts Individual Recovery: Changing Behavior Changing Thinking Healing Emotional Impact on Self Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery It is NOT just the gaslightee that is harmed by gaslighting – the gaslighter is hurt, too. Addicts need to address the impact of gaslighting on themselves. Specifically, sex addicts that gaslight their partners in an effort to hide or deny their addiction experience a form of self-induced trauma. → Acting out outside of own value system shatters own core assumptions and beliefs about Self Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Healing Impact on Relationship Acknowledgement of Partner Trauma as part of recovery. Address the impact of gaslighting on their partners. Relationship recovery: Trust rebuilding process based on: Honesty – Accountability – Empathy Addict needs to develop empathy towards the partner. Make commitment to stop engaging in gaslighting behaviors. And make amends for prior gaslighting. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery → Addicts need help and support through the process. Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

2 one-day workshops - 31 women Workshop for Partners 2 one-day workshops - 31 women Movie Discussion Gaslighting Theory & Research Effects of Gaslighting Types of Gaslighters Risk Factors & Traps Gaslighting and Sex Addiction Recovery Keeping your life Gaslight-free What to do when in “Gaslighting danger” Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Workshop for Sex Addicts 1 two-day workshop - 10 men Movie Discussion Gaslighting Theory & Research Effects of Gaslighting Understanding the Gaslighter Why do I do it? How do I change? Healing the impact of Gaslighting on relationship Healing the impact of Gaslighting on self: Gaslighting as trauma for the addict Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Gaslighting and Recovery Gaslighting – relevant concept Framework to understand Partners experience → acknowledgment and validation Reframes / normalizes relationship dynamics Facilitate Healing for Partners Facilitate Healing for Addicts → identify tools to address problem Potential interventions Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Q & A Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011

Thank You