Verbal Judo Redirecting Behavior with Words

Means… Ju: Gentle or soft Do: Way

First Principle Move confrontations away from conclusions back to the reasoning point. When you must guide others to a wiser course of action, help them seek new approaches rather then argue about the right answer. Never debate any point that can be resolved by examining the facts

First Principle People who are unreasonable, don’t know they are being unreasonable. When people think they are being reasonable you can’t attack their conclusions; you guide them to a better conclusion using their reasoning. Ex: kid wanting a car.

2 nd Principle Motivate others by raising their expectations of themselves. When you seek to motivate others, begin by discovering what they do well. Encourage them to develop their special talents by helping them define their own self worth. UmE

2 nd principle No one is willing to learn what you know unless they see value in what they already know. Resistance does not mean personal rejection………. It is saying: TALK TO ME!!!!!!

3 rd Principle Persuade others with their energy, not your own. When you wish to convince others, first learn what is in their best interest. Persuade them through an appeal to that interest, not through the force of your words.

4 th Principle Direct others rather then control them. When you supervise other’s efforts, recognize their need for independence. Assume responsibility for their doing well, not for doing their job yourself.

5 th Principle Give way in order to control. When you negotiate with others who demand that you give in, first seek a middle position that will satisfy their needs and your limits. Insist on discussing principles, not personal preferences.

6 th Principle Embrace frustration with Empathy. When you must calm others who are distraught, always harmonize with their pain. Lead them through their distress to reason. Don’t feel for the person, feel like them.

7 th Principle Overcome hard with soft. When you must compel others to obey law or regulations, ignore the impact of their insults. Enforce the authority of the institution you represent, not the power of your anger. Absorb the negative force and then guide them into a harmless position.

8 th Principle Be disinterested when you punish. You aren’t deciding the punishment, you are administering it. A clearly defined consequence of precisely defined actions. Words like fair and fitting don’t work. Very few people think they deserve to be punished. You must show control and ability. They entered into this situation with their own free will.

7 things you should never say Your butt looks big in those pants!

Never Say 1. HEY YOU, COME HERE……… confrontational from the start…you have the authority they are going to run.

Never Say 2. CALM DOWN! The phrase is a criticism of their behavior and suggests they have no right to be upset. Instead; look them in the eye and say gently; It’s going to be all right, talk to me, what’s the matter?

Never Say “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN.” This is a threat and if you plan to act on it, you just warned them. If you don’t act, you just lost power Better: Listen, it’s important that you get this point, so pay close attention to what I am about to tell you. Sir, is there anything I could say that would get you to do a, b and c. I’d like to think so.

NEVER SAY “BE MORE REASONABLE” No one will ever say, I now I am stupid and wrong but here is what I think. You will be confronted by stupid and wrong people…they are out there. Let me see if I understand your position, then paraphrase back to them their meaning, as you see it, in your words.

Never Say BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES (OR THAT’S THE LAW) If they are the rules there was a good reason for it, take the time to explain them. Put rules and policies into context and explain how they are good for everyone… 70% of resistant or difficult people will do what you ask if you just tell them why.

Never Say “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?” It’s snotty. It makes someone feel like they have a failure…natural response is I don’t have a problem, you do. Soften it up..what’s the matter, How can I help, I can see you are upset, let me suggest….. Let them talk, you get good insight.(intel)

Never Say “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?” Reeks of sarcasm, is an evasion of responsibility and a clear sign of a lack of creativity. Offer to help sort out the problem, if you can’t do something for them, point them to someone else. If really clueless, apologize. I am sorry but I don’t know how to fix this for you I wish I could but I don’t have any recommendations.