Dealing with Difficult People Conflict Resolution Michigan Area Day September 29, 2013 Marci Delson

Who is a Difficult Person? People who don’t agree with me People who always want their own way People with poor interpersonal skills People who are nasty, aggressive or insecure People who think very differently from me People who don’t keep their commitments People who always know better than I do People who refuse to accept the agreed upon (group) consensus People who don’t appreciate or support Sisterhood Who do you see as these Difficult People?

Before Dealing with Difficult People Ask yourself: – Am I ever a difficult person? – Do I accept diversity or opinion and seek consensus? – Do I, or how do I, enable this person to be difficult? – In what way is this person difficult?

Why Do I Dislike Dealing with Difficult People Because they make me angry and uncomfortable Because it is stressful

What is the Goal When Dealing with Difficult People? Is my goal to win or to heal? Do I accept compromise? Is my goal to accomplish a task? Do I try to enhance communication and increase understanding? Do I try to diffuse conflict? Do I look for the win/win situation so that all parties feel positive?

Small Group Exercise Each group will be given a scenario to read Recorder will document the agreed upon responses Report out Exercise Time: 10 minutes

Tools and Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Know your goals before the confrontation Listen – carefully and respectfully Do not be non-judgmental Make observations rather than evaluations Be issue oriented rather than position oriented Be flexible Be calm and think before you speak

Tools and Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Look for common ground Look for small concessions and recognize them Be clear and accurately express what you are looking for Do not make demands Control the conversation Be willing to admit that you are wrong and apologize Speak to people privately about specific issues

Tools and Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People May be necessary to involve a neutral party to help in resolution May be necessary to agree to disagree Behave in a caring and respectful manner Always forgive

Ten Commandments of Conflict Resolution You shall be honest but state your opinion in away that does not offend or insult your adversary You shall respect the views of those who may not share your opinion. Self serving postures invite rebuke and indignation because they ignore the priorities of others You shall not use gossip to undermine agreements concluded in open discussion You shall spend more time listening than speaking. Few viable agreements result from one way conversations You shall speak with others, not at them, ifyour purpose is to persuade and not to dictate

Ten Commandments of Conflict Resolution You shall respect decisions agreed upon publically You shall not say, “We’ve always done it that way” or “We never do it this way”. Every proposal deserves to be judged on its merit, not on its age You shall remember that the only feelings you know are your own; therefore affirm only what “I” think or feel, and ask what “you” think and feel, without ascribing motives to anyone but yourself You shall perceive the conflict from the other side, and thereby increase your neighbor’s faith and confidence in your integrity, as well as your chances for achieving consensus You shall forgive, for bearing a grudge is a transgression

Textual References for Dealing with Difficult People Love your neighbor as yourself. – Lev.19:18 Judge not your fellowman until you have been in his place – Pirket Avot 2:15 What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellowman – Hillel Talmud Shabbat 31a Strengthen the bonds of friendship and fellowship – Mishkan Tfilah p.179 …only to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God – Micah 6:8

Credits Dealing with Difficult People – Workshop by Karen Sim – WRJ Board Member Ten Commandments of Conflict Resolution – Rabbi Howard R. Greenstein – From Who May Abide in Your House published by the Union for Reform Judaism