Staying with ‘NO’ Max C. Steckling

We Know It’s Hard!  Hard being heard and respected when saying ‘ no ’.  It damages relationships.  Its not hard to say it, its harder sticking with it!  Most people want to be agreeable.  People consider us more when we say ‘yes’.

“Yes the No”  Most people will try to change a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’.  Diffuse emotion from both sides:  Our discomfort.  Their disappointment and/or anger.  Possible to give in, but consequences can be higher.  It’s business climate to try and “yes the no”.  Personal experience and expectations determine how the ‘no’ is responded to.  He will handle your no how he is used to doing.

Staying with it  Even when changing your mind, people will convince you why they’re right, because they are used to it.  People who are able to hear no privately can act differently publicly.  Creating a competition is hard on relationships.  One person wins, the other gives in.  This leads to the will of payback.

What we’re used to  More people are coached to change it to a yes.  In general magazines: “never accept no as an answer”.  Little guidance for staying with it.  Without practice we fall back on emotion.

It’s difficult  Hard to stay with no:  We don’t like to be negative.  We don’t like to be pushed.  Negative – soften the ‘no’.  Results in not being heard.  Pushed – get the conversation over with asap.  Results in after-the-fact damage control.

Be Neutral  The solution :  Say it simply.  Say it clearly.  Say it directly.  Use arguments hard to be weakened.  The neutral ‘ no ’:  Steady.  Uninflected.  Clear.

Use the Neutral ‘no’  Using it you concentrate on the business end of ‘no’, not the personal.  Most people give multiple no’s.  One to give hope and then gradually lose temper.  Stay with one ‘no’: the neutral ‘no’.  Neutral: “hard for me to say, hard for you to hear”.

Do’s and Don’ts  Stick to the issue, don’t get personal.  Know your triggers & control them.  Know when you get weak and practice the offensive.  Keep it simple!  Most messages include mixed info and emotion.  The other one sticks to their guns when using a harsh ‘no’.

Stay Strong!  Some people ask for forgiveness when saying ‘no’.  Easy for the other one to overlook the ‘no’.  Most people give a light ‘no’ and end with a heavy one.  Good solid ‘no’ at the beginning.  Never express that you know its hard to hear.  Those receiving the no will feel worse, knowing you might not care.  Avoid battlefronts : “I won’t give in; You lose !”

False Hope  Don’t give others False hope.  If your ‘no’ is on the edge, the other one will try harder.  PRACTICE!!! For 4 reasons : 1. To stay with the message. 2. So you don’t edit it on your feet. 3. So you know how staying with it feels like. 4. To know if you want to stay with it and not ‘ yes ’ it.

THANK YOU  Staying With No.