Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert Counselor Kay Granger Elementary Love and Logic Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D. Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert Counselor Kay Granger Elementary www.loveandlogic.com

“There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships.” -Charles Fay

Philosophy of Love and Logic Choice and freedom to make mistakes. Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion. Child takes responsibility of his/her actions. Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.

“Be involved in your kids education.” (We want you to hover them and punish them for bad grades.)

“We would like you to provide a warm, loving, supportive home for your child to go home to. One where they have feel a sense of purpose and belonging through jobs, roles, and responsibilities they fulfill in the family.”

Parenting Styles Helicopter Drill Sergeant Consultant

Helicopter As child sends the SOS flare, helicopter parents are ready and hovering nearby to swoop in and shield them from teachers, playmates, and peers. Message sent- “You can’t help yourself. I have to do it for you.”

Why is this not good? UNEQUIPPED for life Learning opportunities STOLE from them. In order to grow children must learn from their mistakes The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principal.

Drill Sergeant Commands Message Sent- “You can’t think. I have to think for you.”

Why is this not good? Children: Become DEPENDENT on their parents for the answers Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to do Do not learn how to make decisions- opportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them. Become followers … as they have been taught Anxiety = anger, more anxiety, and NO learning

Laissez-faire parents: Decide that children should raise themselves Believe that they should be their child’s friend Feel guilty and allow them to run free

Why is this not good? Children need rules and consequences to learn from Children are not adults and can not self-regulate Parents are parents, not friends

Consultant Shares alternatives Message sent- “You are capable and can make wise decisions. You are responsible.” Helicopters can’t hover forever and drill seargeants go horse.

Consultant Modeling Focus is relationship instead of task achievement Ask questions Stay Calm Choices and natural consequences.

Love and Logic “Love” allows kids to grow through their mistakes. “Logic” allows them to live with the consequences of their choices.

“Responsibility cannot be taught, it must be caught.” - Jim and Charles Fay Doggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!! Message to responsible child

“I am sure you will remember on your own, but if you don’t, you’ll sure learn from the experience.” Doggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!! Message to responsible child

Misbehaving Results from the child taking the only choice available to them in order to gain some control. Can lead to power struggles. Can be eliminated or maintained through choices.

Misbehavior Cycle

5 Questions: Is Love and Logic for you? Think of all the things you have tried in the past. Think of all the things the teachers have tried in the past. Are any of these showing long-term results? Can you think of anything else that makes sense that we could try?

#5 If everything else that makes sense has already been tried, maybe it’s time to try something that doesn’t appear to make sense.

Guide Child to Solve the Problem 5 Steps Show Empathy- “You must feel sad.” Send Power Message- “What will you do about it?” Offer Choices- “Would you like to hear what your sister tried?” Have child State Consequences- “How will that work?” Allow child to Solve the Problem

Power Struggle? Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead! You don’t love me anymore “I love you too much to argue” It is not fair “Maybe so…” You love her more than me “Mmmm…” You don’t care “I know…” Dad wouldn’t do that I am going to run away!” “I will love you wherever you live.”

Empathy Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to child’s misbehavior. One-liners: This must really hurt. This is so sad. That is really hard I am sorry you feel that way. I feel bad for you. Bummer It must be hard to feel so frustrated. I will love you wherever you live. I love you too much to argue. I argue between 5-5:30 am.

Let empathy and consequences do the teaching NOT sarcastic or condescending Keep it short, sweet and repetitive. Express your empathy before your anger or a consequence Delaying your consequence gives you time to think Use less words….lectures don’t work

Power Messages What are you going to do about it? Have you come up with anything so far? I am here to help. Just let me know what you decide to do about it.

Choices Children must control the problem. If they don’t, you could: Give choices: If child does not choose, be prepared to choose yourself Be sure to pick choices you can live with Allow the child to live with the consequences Children must control the problem. If they don’t, you could: Steal kids’ opportunities to learn Become overwhelmed with raising kids Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinner time

Ownership of the Problem Who’s problem is it? Am I upset because he’s upset? What happens to me personally? Am I twisting the problem to make it mine?

How to determine when it is not our problem… What is going to happen to me if that problem doesn’t get solved? If your answer is nothing, then it is the child’s problem. Allowing children to own the problem allows for them to find ways to solve their problem.

“In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why “In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why? ALLOW kids to struggle. Don’t steal that gift. Help them cope with challenges where they have to learn.” -Charles Fay The brain has its own built in reward system. That does

Choices- Phrasing Would you rather ______or______? What would be best for you: ______or______? Feel free to________ or ________. You can either ______or_______.

Opportunity for Thinking and Decision-Making Fighting Words “Get to work now!” Thinking Words “Feel free to go out as soon as you have cleaned your room.” OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES

“Lectures don’t work; kids don’t learn through lectures.” -Charles Fay

We would rather they THINK than FIGHT. -Jim and Charles Fay

GOLD Garbage or “Garbage”: Training you to ignore my words through nagging and lectures. Fighting invites disobedience. “Gold”: Teaching to you listen to my words. Get them THINKING! Describe what you are going to do or allow instead of telling THEM what to do.

“Garbage”: YOU WILL… “Gold”: I WILL… GOLD Garbage or This is how I am going to do things. You might want to pay attention.

“Times can be real tough and you have the opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can cope with them, I bet you can.”

“Kids learn better from what they tell THEMSELVES.” -Jim and Charles Fay

GOLD Garbage or “You are not going to talk to me that way!” “I will be glad to discuss this with you as soon as the arguing stops.”

GOLD Garbage or “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?” “If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times! Get that coat on!”

GOLD Garbage or “Told you not to spend all your money on toys that just break!” “Ooooh, you are out of money? Don’t worry, allowances come on Saturday.”

GOLD Garbage or “Get your clothes on……” “Time to get your clothes on!” “How many times do I have to tell you to get your clothes on! We are going to be late!” “Feel free to put your clothes on in the privacy of your room or in the car on the way to school.”

GOLD Garbage or “Would you rather play nicely in the living room or noisy in your room?” “SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you will go to your room! Adam is about to sing!”

GOLD Garbage or “You can either wash your clothes or spend your allowance to have the cleaners do it.” “I am NOT picking your clothes.”

GOLD Garbage or “You need to start respecting me.” “I will be happy to do nice things for you as soon as I feel respected and helped.”

GOLD Garbage or “Dinner is served until 7pm.” “Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get in here.” “Feel free to enjoy your next meal with the family as soon as the yard is mowed.”

GOLD Garbage or “Don’t you dare raise your voice at me.” “I will listen to your voice when it is calm like mine.”

GOLD Garbage or “You get to keep the toys that are picked up.” “Pick up your toys, now.” “Yes, you may watch T.V. when your toys are picked up.” “Love you too much to argue.” “So, what did I say?”

GOLD Garbage or Charles Fay believes that the fastest way to put a teenager in danger is to let them drive for free. “Hope you can drive one day. In this family, the only people who can afford it get to drive.”

Follow Through Now, you have to keep your word. It might be difficult. Do NOT show your disappointment or anger at their poor decision-making. Remember, the consequence should speak for itself.

Dream World “Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure now that I know you mean what you say. I appreciate your loving me enough to set limits.” NO! They run to their rooms, whine, talk back, guilt trips. Stand firm, stay calm, READ about what else you can do. Logan “Mom, did you learn this from one of those books? Sorry to tell you but it doesn’t work with kids. It just makes us mad.” “Hmmm… that’s interesting so what did I say?” “I love and respect time with you so much that I am not going to move an inch in this car until the gameboy is off!”

Let Consequences and Empathy do the Teaching Consequences allow: Child to be involved in the decision Child to hurt from the inside out Child to develop a new plan of reacting Parent to be friendly and helpful Child to see adult modeling problem-solving techniques Child to learn about real world consequences

“Kids need to think HARDER about their problems than the adults around them.” -Charles Fay

Punishment vs. Consequence Punishments allow: Adult to make decision Child is hurt from the outside in Child to pay for his past deed Adult to display anger Child to feel the imposition of power Child to learn about the imposition of power

Child Chooses Consequence “What are you going to do about it?” “How do you plan to solve the problem?”

The Teaching Value of a Consequence You will destroy the teaching value if you: Say, “This will teach you a lesson.” Display anger Explain the value of the consequence Threaten Talk too much Give in!

Immediate Consequence “Looks like today you decided to wait until we get in the car to eat your breakfast.” “It’s sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you won’t be driving until the damage is paid for.” “I’m sure glad you’re home. Why don’t you stick around tomorrow night so I don’t have to worry about you.” “Looks like you have decided to do your own laundry this weekend. Let me know if you need me to show you how.” “The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.”

Delayed Consequence When you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE! Delayed consequences: Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem. We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable. There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you can’t back up.

Delayed Consequence “I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ll let you know after dinner.” “This is so sad. I am going to have to do something about this. But not now, later. Try not to worry about it.” “I am too angry right now. I make better decisions when I am calm.”

“If a child causes a problems, it should be NO problem for the adult; but a BIG problem for the child.” -Charles Fay

TRAINING SESSIONS for building responsibility Give the child a task he can handle Hope the child “blows” it Let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the teaching Give the same task again Something that is reoccuring

STEP 1 Give the child a task he can handle

2. Hope the child blows it? Teaches a real world lesson Helps children find new solutions Gives children an opportunity to fail in a safe environment

3. Let empathy and consequences do the talking . . . Be empathetic before you share the bad news Empathy builds relationships Children must learn that mistakes hurt them - When the adult gets angry the message gets lost Children need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents anger Consequences allow the child to “own” the problem

4. Have them do the same task again Children learn from their mistakes Communicates to children that you trust them Says, “You are capable”

Let them fail . . . Gives them a chance to learn Helps them to understand that every action has a consequence, both good and bad Learns the lesson of decision making early so that harder decisions are easier later Learns the skills of decision making and problem solving

Learning at a time when it is an affordable price Little kids….little problems Big kids….bigger problems

Mean what you say, say what you mean Consistency is key If you don’t follow through your child takes on the “lottery” mentality If it is new, your child will test you

Sameness= LOVE The message you are sending: I love you enough to create a same and predictable environment. -Charles Fay

Primary focus of Love and Logic Is NOT to make kids behave and get good grades. Focus is on how to raise good PEOPLE, not people who LOOK GOOD. It is not about what they PRODUCE.

Primary focus of Love and Logic “The primary focus of parenting with Love and Logic is to dramatically increase the odds that kids will make good and healthy decisions when NO ONE is making them do it.” -Charles Fay

Assignment Think of a common argument that you get into with your child Write down how you usually handle this Write down your child’s response Think of a new “natural consequence” that you can try

Love and Logic Resources Conferences Workshops Books Videos www.loveandlogic.com

Teaching Children Responsibility Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Your children will win because they’ll learn to solve their own problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet life’s challenges. And you’ll win because you’ll establish healthy control—without resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting!

Unless you’ve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetime trust fund, they’re going to end up spending most of their adult lives working. Wouldn’t it be a great gift if your children grew up to enjoy work…rather than dread it? Bosses are desperate for employees who understand: The importance of personal responsibility How to remain positive when the going gets tough That success comes from hard work and determination…rather than handouts

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Prizes! One-liner Favorite heart quote or “Ah-ha moment”

This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy to use techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age ranges for Parents and Educators. Techniques for: Avoiding Power Struggles Homework Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

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