Talking With Your Partner About Sexual Differences and Problems Addendum to Chapter 13 Talking With Your Partner About Sexual Differences and Problems

Why is it difficult to talk about sex? How many apply to you? Intercourse means “communication” Most people have talked about sex with their same-sex friends but not their partners Women do more self-disclose than men, but not by much All people need to express emotions and be able to communicate them Gender differences in communication styles Power differences affect communication

How can my partner and I get used to talking about sex? Discuss sexual topics that come up in the news Discuss why it is difficult to talk about sex Start with general sexual topics before moving toward talking about your sexual differences

Medically correct terms What if I am uncomfortable with the language of sex? What words should I use? Medically correct terms Common slang terms Private vocabulary Common slang terms used among men often don’t work for couples Medically correct terms are not very erotic Some couples develop a private vocabulary for body parts and behaviors

When (and where) should I try to talk to my partner? Try: Emotionally neutral time vs. during or right after sex Sexually neutral place vs. place where sex usually happens An emotionally neutral time vs. during or right after sex. Take time to calm down from when you have been feeling frustrated, angry or highly emotional before starting a discussion. If sex usually happens in the bedroom find another room in which to discuss sexual problems.

How should I approach my partner with concerns about our sexual relationship? Accentuate positive rather than negative Make use of positive reinforcement to encourage enjoyed behaviors Whenever possible, accentuate the positive rather than the negative. Make use of positive reinforcement to encourage behaviors that you enjoy. I like it when you… It really feels good when you…

Personal Reflections Suppose that you are unsure of your partner’s sexual desires and preferences, and you are unsure whether he or she is totally aware of yours. How might you communicate with one another? Suppose your desires and preferences are not exactly the same?

What if I think that my partner is to blame? Can I ever complain? Consider your motivation Express concerns in clear, specific manner Take responsibility for your own pleasure Tell your partner of your needs and desires Criticize behavior rather than character First, be sure that you have already expressed your concerns to your partner in a clear, specific manner. You must take responsibility for your own pleasure, and you can do this only if you tell your partner of your needs and desires. Before complaining, consider your motivation. Criticize behavior rather than character.

How should I express my needs and desires? Use “I Language” Be as specific as possible Use “I Language” – “I” followed by an expression of your own feelings, desires and thoughts Be as specific as possible. I would like you to hug me more often. I want you to kiss my breasts more gently when we make love. I like it when you stroke my penis firmly.

How can I find out about my partner’s desires and needs? Create environment of trust and understanding Self-disclose Encourage partner self-disclosure Ask open-ended questions Grant permission to talk about a particular topic By self-disclosing, you create an environment of trust and understanding, and most people will self-disclose in return. Ask questions that are open-ended. Give your partner permission to talk about a particular topic.

Is listening important? If so, how can I become a better listener? Show attentiveness with body language Use comments or paraphrase Try massage We show our attentiveness with body language. Make comments or paraphrase to make sure that you understand what your partner is trying to tell you. Massage strengthens relationships by promoting better communication. Listen to your partner’s responses as you massage him/her.

Personal Reflections Suppose you are in a long-term monogamous relationship that includes sexual relations. Your partner often does not take as much time during foreplay as you would like and does not spend much time holding and touching you afterwards. This often leaves you feeling frustrated. How would you go about correcting this situation? Be as specific as possible.

Is it possible to communicate nonverbally? What do you think? Touch is a very powerful means of nonverbal communication. It is very important for there to be agreement between the verbal and nonverbal aspects of communication.

Dealing with Anger and Conflict How would you complete the sentence? One of best predictors of long-term success in a relationship is manner in which couples ________. One of best predictors of long-term success in a relationship is manner in which couples handle their disagreements!

Dealing with Anger and Conflict Three common patterns: Mutual constructive communication Avoidance of communication Demand/ withdraw Three common patterns: Mutual constructive communication Avoidance of communication Demand/withdraw Men are more likely to withdraw if their partners are expressing negative emotions and complaints

When a partner bleeds… Flesh wounds vs. emotional wounds Best predictor of whether a relationship will survive is the ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction! Why do you think this works? Flesh wounds vs. emotional wounds When one partner bleeds and alerts his/her partner, the alerted partner usually responds by caretaking. When your partner “bleeds” the goal should be caretaking; anything that interferes with that will be self-destructive. Best predictor of whether a relationship will survive: ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.

Personal Reflections What communication style do you use when you are angry with your partner? Is it the best style for clearly conveying your emotions to your partner?

What if we cannot agree? People have differences of opinion and different preferences Good communication leads to understanding It is often helpful to agree to disagree