Crucial Conversations for Getting Past No and Getting to Yes Krista Greear greeark@uw.edu Assistant Director, Disability Resources

Goals Communication tools from 3 books Case studies using principles

Audience Participation Where do we learn to communicate? Who is the best communicator you know? How do you want to improve your communication skills?

Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversation’s Claim “Root cause of many human problems lies in how people behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes emotional issues” 20 years of research 100,000 people 17 different organizations Get stuff done AND build relationship

What’s a Crucial Conversation? Raise of hand or voice, how many have experience this? How recently? Share with partner next to them.

Crucial Conversation: Faculty Letters “Hey Boss, I know we send Faculty Letters 1 week before classes start. But that’s not enough led time. Can we send Faculty Letters 1 month before classes start?” Faculty Notification Letter

What is the Fool’s Choice? 2 options (often both bad) “Or” Thinking Krista’s right OR boss is right.

Krista’s Fool’s Choice 1 week notice is right (Boss) 1 month notice is right (Krista) Krista’s right OR boss is right.

Pool of Shared Meaning Meaning = opinions, feelings, theories, experiences More information available to everyone involved, better decisions are made This is a problem for accommodations using media (documents, videos, audios).

Pools of Shared Meaning Krista Boss Faculty are frustrated that they were not told earlier about accessible media (documents, video, audio). Conversion takes a lot of time (100 pgs/hr for non-STEM and 10 pgs/hr for STEM). Faculty will forget or lose the email. Faculty will ask too many questions too early. Avoid making an exception to a procedure for a few accommodations.

Start With Heart Know what you want What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?

Start With (Krista’s) Heart What do I really want for myself? Want more time to convert materials. What do I really want for others? To receive quality materials. What do I really want for the relationship? Maintain a great working relationship.

Refuse the Fool’s Choice (Start with heart) Clarify what you really want Clarify what you don’t want Present your brain with more complex problem by combining the two Use AND instead of OR

Krista Refusing Fools Choice “Boss, I want to give faculty more notice so my team can provide quality materials to our students. I don’t want to make sending faculty letters unnecessarily uncomplicated. How do you think I can get the information I need sooner, and avoid the consequences that you forsee?”

How to See (Pending) Problems Moment conversation turns critical Signs people feel unsafe Mask Avoid Withdraw Control Label Attack Style Under Stress

Getting Past No

Breakthrough Strategy Don’t React Don’t Argue Don’t Reject Don’t Push Don’t Escalate

Crucial Conversation: Webinars Board member: “Many of our membership have so many needs, we can’t address them all in our fall/spring conferences. And conferences are expensive.” Krista: “Let’s use Zoom to provide more professional development opportunities for our statewide disability organization during the year.” Board member: “No. Virtual meetings are always a pain. Something always goes wrong.”

Don’t React (Go to the Balcony) Distance yourself from natural impulses and emotions Phone call Bathroom Step outside Buy time to think Pause Rewind the tape Ask for clarification How many of you wear your emotions on your face? How many of you have a poker face?

Krista’s Go to the Balcony “Let me check that I’m following. We’ve been discussing the need to provide more professional development opportunities for our membership. I suggested using webinars. You suggested that webinars are not as effective as in-person meetings. Did I get that right?” Deep breathe

Don’t Argue (Step to their Side) Listen to their grievance “Yes, please go on.” “Then what happened?” Paraphrase, ask for corrections Acknowledge their point/feelings Project confidence Agree where you can Accumulate yeses

Krista’s Step To Their Side “Can you share with me your reservations?” “Agreed, sometimes it can be frustrating to ensure that the microphone and camera are set up properly. That happened to me 2 weeks ago.” “Yes, I agree that face-to-face interaction is often easier than using technology.” Deep breathe Game time It’s hard to fight someone who agrees with you.

Don’t Reject (Reframe) “That’s interesting. Why do you want that? Help me understand the problem you are trying to solve.” Ask Why Why Not What If? What Makes That Fair? For Their Advice Turn it into a problem that you solve together.

Krista’s Reframe “I’d love to hear your thoughts. We discussed that our membership needs more professional development. We also discussed that more conferences is likely not financially feasible. How can we provide more opportunities and be respectful of member’s concerns about using technology and their budgets?” Deep breathe Game time It’s hard to fight someone who agrees with you.

Don’t Push (Build a Golden Bridge) Resistance Not their idea Unmet interests Fear of losing face Too much too fast Reframe a retreat from their position as an advance towards a better solution

Krista’s Golden Bridge “What do you think of this? Perhaps starting with Zoom webinar technology is too much. What about using phones for a voice conferencing session?” Deep breathe Game time It’s hard to fight someone who agrees with you.

Don’t Escalate (Use Power To Educate) Let them educate themselves “What do you think will happen if we don’t agree?” “What do you think I will do?” “What will you do?” Threat = what you will do to them Warning = what will happen

Krista’s Power to Educate “If you don’t think voice conferencing on the phone is a viable option, and using Zoom is not appealing, what do you think will happen if we don’t find some way to provide more professional development to our membership?” Deep breathe Game time It’s hard to fight someone who agrees with you.

Getting to Yes

Getting to Yes Truth’s Conflict is an inevitable – and useful – part of life. Few injustices are addressed without serious conflict. In the form of business competition, conflict helps create prosperity. Conflict is a reality. But it can also be a tool.

Getting to Yes Goal Challenge is not to eliminate conflict but to transform it. No to destructive, adversarial battling Yes to hard-headed, side-by-side problem-solving Conflict is a reality. But it can also be a tool.

Positional vs Principled Negotiating 1 SOFT HARD PRINCIPLED Participants are friends. Participants are adversaries. Participants are problem-solvers. The goal is agreement. The goal is victory. The goal is a wise outcome reached efficiently and amicably. Make concessions to cultivate the relationship. Demand concessions as a condition of the relationship. Separate the people from the problem. Be soft on the people and the problem. Be hard on the problem and the people. Be soft on the people, hard on the problem.

Positional vs Principled Negotiating 2 SOFT HARD PRINCIPLED Trust others. Distrust others. Proceed independent of trust. Change your position easily. Dig in to your position. Focus on interests, not positions. Make offers. Make threats. Explore interests. Disclose your bottom line. Mislead as to your bottom line. Avoid having a bottom line. Accept one-sided losses to reach agreement. Demand one-sided gains as the price of agreement. Invent options for mutual gain.

Positional vs Principled Negotiating 3 SOFT. HARD PRINCIPLED Search for the single answer: the one they will accept. Search for the single answer: the one you will accept. Develop multiple options to choose from: decide later. Insist on agreement. Insist on your position. Insist on using objective criteria. Try to avoid a contest of will. Try to win a contest of will. Try to reach a result based on standards independent of will. Yield to pressure. Apply pressure. Reason and be open to reasons; yield to principle, not pressure.

Crucial Conversation: Buy Remediation Tool Did a pilot with a remediation tool 1.5 years ago Tool has improved Looking to bring to UW Concerned about cost Academic Experience Design and Delivery, Disability Services, Accessible Technology Services in IT

Positional vs Principled Negotiating part 1 EXAMPLE Participants are problem-solvers. Not enemies. The goal is a wise outcome reached efficiently and amicably. Address the amount of inaccessible content on our campus. Separate the people from the problem. Check perceptions, emotion, and communication. Be soft on the people, hard on the problem. Be kind and insistent that a good solution is reached.

Positional vs Principled Negotiating part 2 EXAMPLE Proceed independent of trust. Don’t need to be best friends to do this. Just professional. Focus on interests, not positions. Are you willing to change your original position? Explore interests. Seek to understand them. Avoid having a bottom line. I don’t get to be right; WE get to be effective. Invent options for mutual gain. Brainstorming session.

Positional vs Principled Negotiating part 3 EXAMPLE Develop multiple options to choose from: decide later. Other tools; bringing it to one college instead of everyone as a start. Insist on using objective criteria. Compare to using human labor. Try to reach a result based on standards independent of will. What is the criteria we need in a campus-wide remediation tool? Reason and be open to reasons; yield to principle, not pressure. Keep pressure away and rationality forefront.

So What? What did you learn? What are you willing to do differently? What will you start (or stop) doing on Monday?

Thank you. Krista Greear greeark@uw. edu https://translator. microsoft