Helping Your Children Build Critical Life Skills Presenter: Nayeli Calle-Sousa, LCSW

Agenda How to support the development and practice of skills for: Frustration Tolerance Anxiety Management Problem Solving

Anatomy and Functions of the Brain

Learning Happens Within Relationships Modeling 01 Scaffolding 02 Practice 03

Scaffolding: Teaching a Baby How to Walk

Frustration Tolerance

Frustration Frustration: The feeling of being upset, annoyed, or disappointed especially because of being unable to change or achieve something Triggered when an individual perceives resistance to the fulfillment of their will or goal. Likely to increase when a will or goal is denied or blocked Frustration tolerance: The ability to withstand obstacles and stressful situations

Low Frustration Tolerance Low frustration tolerance: Inability to tolerate unpleasant feelings or stressful situations Focusing on immediate gratification rather than long term goals Seeking out easy solutions rather than difficult challenges Giving up easily Impatience Meltdowns when frustrated

Skills Needed to Tolerate Frustration Self-reflection Identify your feelings Identify intensity of feelings Understand your body’s reactions to frustration Coping Do something to reduce your frustration level Flexibility Adjust path towards goal or adjust goal

Teaching Frustration Tolerance Skills Help your child develop a feeling vocabulary 4 basic feelings: Sad, Mad, Happy, Scared When reading books or watching videos with your child have them identify the feelings of the characters Play Feelings Charades Help your child talk about “how much of a feeling” they’re experiencing Help your child identify the “clues” their body gives them

Teaching Frustration Tolerance Skills Validate your child’s feelings instead of dismissing You can validate feelings without condoning the behavior

Teaching Frustration Tolerance Skills Modeling Scaffolding Practice Talk about your own feelings Support emotional regulation Help your child verbalize their needs before responding right away Talk about your own “clues” Give suggestions or options if your child is stuck Allow your child to tackle challenges based on their current skill level Let your child see you overcome frustration Engage in coping skills with them Games: Chutes and Ladders Sorry Praise effort and not giving up instead of only praising success

Anxiety Management

Anxiety Anxiety A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about a pending event or an uncertain outcome. Normal reaction to situations that we might find challenging Beneficial: Keeps us alert in case of danger, helps us prepare and pay attention

Anxiety Disorder Anxiety disorders are different from normative anxiety Excessive fear and anxiety Persistent Out of proportion to the situation or age inappropriate Negatively impacts your functioning Avoidance is used as main coping tool

1 2 3 Traumatic Stress Emotionally Costly Stress Normative, Developmentally Appropriate Stress 2 Emotionally Costly Stress 3 Traumatic Stress

Anxiety Presentation in Children Avoidance Behaviors that seem oppositional or like “acting out.” Trouble Concentrating Increase in motor activity Irritability

Skills Needed to Manage Anxiety Self-reflection Identify your anxiety triggers: environmental and cognitive Identify intensity of anxiety Understand your body’s reactions to anxiety Coping First children learn to co-regulate Then they learn to self-regulate Use of body and senses for coping Cognitive coping

Anxiety Management Techniques for Parents Remind yourself to slow down You don’t have to have every solution or answer right away Stop and think: Am I responding to my child’s need or to my own anxiety? Try not to take your child’s behavior personally Be a behavior detective Diaphragmatic Breathing Mental Vacation

Teaching Anxiety Management Skills Modeling Scaffolding Practice Talk about what makes you nervous Validate their feelings of nervousness Engage in gradual exposure rather than complete avoidance Talk about what it means to be brave Engage in co-regulation Practice coping strategies when child is NOT anxious If you’re having a difficult moment with your child tell them you’re going to use a coping strategy and invite them to join you. Support their use of coping strategies Use Games: App called Triangle of Life Perfection Operation Let your child see you manage anxiety Create a “tool kit”

Problem Solving

Problem Solving Definition Having a goal but not knowing how to achieve it Encountering obstacles Experiencing a conflict Problem solving: Cognitive processing directed at finding solutions to difficult or complex issues Children will have difficulty developing this skill if adults solve all of their problems for them

Skills Needed to Problem Solve Two types of mental skills: Analytical: Using logic such as ordering, comparing, contrasting, evaluating, and selecting. Creative: Using your imagination to create a large range of ideas for solutions. Being flexible and original.

Steps Involved in Problem Solving Identify the problem Collect information Decide what is causing the problem Identify possible solutions Select a solution Create a plan to implement solution Test out your solution Review outcome

How Children and Adults Experience the Same Problem Problem for the Adult Attempted Solution for the Child

Teaching Problem Solving Skills Modeling Scaffolding Practice “Think out loud” when you are engaging in simple problem solving Ask your child for help in solving problems that you know will be easy for them Prompt your child to engage in problem solving when encountering an issue or conflict Let your child see you apply a solution that doesn’t work and try again Adjust level of support based on stress level of child Let them apply a possible solution even if you’re sure it won’t work (as long as safety is not an issue) Invite your child to think through a problem with you If your child is stuck or problem is very challenging for them, offer possible solutions and let them choose Games: ThinkFun: Logic and Problem Solving Games Function as a coach through conflict resolution

Problem Solving Games

Resources Wall Street Journal Article: The Right Way to Help Anxious Children https://www.wsj.com/article_email/the-right-way-for-parents-to-help-anxious-children- 1512755970-lMyQjAxMTA3NzA1OTAwODk1Wj/ The Beginning of Life Documentary streaming on Netflix