Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World Book written in 2000 Authors work in field of rehab of children Never habilitated in first place, studying what these kids were lacking to be successful they wrote the book instructing parents on what kids need as a foundation to become successful Children need more than love, protection developing academics, athletic and other talents Click

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World Parenting Job Description: Help a weak, dependent, incapable, needy infant become a strong, independent, capable, contributing adult. What is needed for them to become this kind of adult? A parents job is to …. What is needed They need what author calls 7 building blocks for developing capable young people

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World Seven Building Blocks Perceptions of personal capabilities Perceptions of personal significance Perceptions of personal influence Intrapersonal skills Interpersonal skills Systemic skills Judgment skills Notice the building blocks include 4 life skills and 3 perceptions. I want to discuss perceptions because they get little attention in parenting instruction and yet they are critical

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World What is needed for them to become strong, independent, capable , moral contributing adults? A strong perception… They must have confidence that they are capable, significant and influential over their life. This book is helpful in the fact that it makes the strong point that children need not only capabilities to succeed at life, they also need to believe they can succeed. So a parents job is to not only teach skills for them to grow but monitor their growing beliefs, by reinforcing correct beliefs and correcting wrong beliefs. Qualifier: This book says the belief in self is what is important and perceptions are neither true or false. As Christians we reject the belief that our children can be anything they want to be. We all are given natural abilities and lack some. We must be realistic. Sports stars. The word perception is important and a little different than belief because when we use the word belief we usually refer to what someone thinks.

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World Perception: we define personal perceptions as the conclusions we reach about ourselves and our lives as the result of thinking through experiences we have. Children are always drawing conclusions about themselves and the world around them. H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Raising Self- Reliant Children in a Self- Indulgent World p. 31 Secular view was we are born blank slates and whatever is written on us is what we become. Biblical view is that we are intelligent , free-will choosing agents that are impacted by what happens to us but we are not determined, we choose responses to experiences.

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World Conclusions are the result of Personality Age and stage of brain development How they are effected by an interaction and the intended motive they attach to the person they are interacting with. Learning your child’s personality will give you important insight into how they view the world and what conclusions they will draw Children’s brains are not undeveloped which means they are concrete and ego-centric. They only interpret things through the grid of it effects them and even at young ages they are formulating conclusions.

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World These conclusions are powerful whether they are true or not. They are often formulated in emotionally charged experiences and are reinforced in new experiences. Conclusions have both right and wrong , true and false beliefs. In counseling I often discover that perceptions are made in toddler years, responses are developed between 6-8 and by teen years it is more difficult to change perceptions. Once a perception is formulated it becomes a grid that new experiences are interpreted through. What follows are reactions to their perceptions. When the perception is negative children often develop survival strategies which are harmful. When perception is positive they can thrive developing the skills for success in life. Abby and Jamie change of plans and praise for good work!

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World For perceptions to be corrected They must be explored and understood The truth of a perception must be affirmed Life experiences that affirm the correct belief Secular psychology tells us that perceptions are neither right or wrong. But there is truth that comes from God and if He says something is true then it is whether feelings or circumstances or people tell us otherwise. We are have value. Value is not based on intelligence, beauty, athletic talent, etc. For you who still have young children, you have the opportunity to start out with positive interactions and teaching that can help them have the correct foundation.

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World What is your role in developing correct perceptions? Understand and monitor your child’s perceptions Understand how you are impacting your child’s conclusions Develop practices that enhance rather than hinder positive perceptions Every encounter is a learning moment.

Strong Perception of Capabilities Capable of facing problems and learning through challenges and experiences. “Because children are motivated to learn and perform from birth, they can come to view themselves as capable at a very young age” H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Raising Self- Reliant Children in a Self- Indulgent World p. 49 Ability to face new challenges and problems and figure out how to overcome or problem solve

Strong Perception of Capabilities Hinder Enhance Make assumptions that limit Rescue and Excuse Expect too much Negative teaching Ask questions of discovery (Check) Explore Celebrate Modeling

Strong Perception of Significance Capable of contributing in meaningful ways and believing that life has meaning and purpose. “ THE NEED TO BE NEEDED is often more powerful than the need to survive. H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Raising Self- Reliant Children in a Self- Indulgent World p. 75 Human beings are the only species that can be motivated to commit suicide by a perception that their life has no meaning, purpose or significance

Strong Perception of Significance Hinders Enhances Duties Orders Low expectations of children Meaningful Roles Collaboration Time Spent Traditions & Rituals Family Meetings Volunteer work

Strong Perceptions of Influence Capacity to understand that one’s actions and choices influence one’s life and hold one accountable. Understands that actions and choices matter, they have consequences and one does have significant control over life. Rather than believing they have little or no power to affect what they experience in life children with this ability reflect that their experiences and behavior frequently are a result of their internal decisions and choices.

Strong Perceptions of Influence Locus of control: External vs. Internal External: “People and circumstances control me” Internal: Their experiences, behavior and relationships frequently reflect their internal decisions and choices To develop their internal locus of control is critical for success There are 3 important practices

Strong Perceptions of Influence 3 Important parenting practices: Model personal influence: take responsibility for your own actions Mean what you say: follow through Set limits: have established and consistent rules and consequences for violation of the rules.

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World